Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Over the years I've learned that its quite a gamble to partake in other family's Holiday celebrations. Several years ago we got the call that Christmas was canceled due to a snow storm that blew in just two days before Christmas. This left The Gray Lining and I over an hour from my parents house with no plans for the holiday. This was the first time I accepted an invite from a friend, and what I swore would be my last. It may not seem that terrible, but being stuck in a snow storm with the an friend's extended family watching home movies for 6 hours was far from the Christmas I knew and loved...our kind of Christmas meant beer stayed cold outside on the porch, pool games were played, at least one person went to midnight mass with a buzz, and undoubtedly my dad (this only happens once a year) got poop faced and reminded me that the ability to drunkenly ramble about topics no normal person discusses was in fact hereditary.
Since that time I have went back on my pledge to avoid spending Christmas with another family out of lack of other options, always thinking that this time around it would be fantastic. Sometimes I despise my optimistic "the glass is half full of egg nog" attitude. After my last optimistic Christmas attempt (The year I call "A Very Jewish Christmas") you would think I would have turned down the invite as quickly as it was delivered, but alas I did not and for once it worked. Thank you to my adoptive family this Christmas, for making sure my glass was never half full but always full, for the laughter, for bearing with me even when I thought my mom had finally lost it and just wrapped stuff she found in the house to give me for Christmas, but mostly for inviting me into your home and making my 'home' feel not so far away.
After my very Irish Christmas I got home just a quick as holiday traffic would let Bruce drive to skype with the family as they opened presents. No one in my family had ever used skype before which made for an interesting experience...for the first 5 minutes they either did not have a microphone hooked up or they had it muted. I realized this, they did not. Once we finally got sound going Momma felt it was necessary to put her mouth directly on the microphone to speak to me, or if I could get her to back away from the computer she insisted on yelling. I tried to communicate to her that I could hear not only her if she spoke at a normal volume but also every person in the room whether they were 2 or 10 feet away. My attempts at communication were thwarted by my inability to talk over her. Over the course of the two hour skyping experience I got left alone to talk to the wall by everyone in my family twice, got taken on a walking tour of my childhood home (as if it were the first time I'd ever seen it decorated for Christmas), and sang a Christmas carol so my dad could do a sound check.
In the end, despite technical and Momma difficulties, I have a feeling skyping will become a regular thing at the homestead. In years past I have called the fam on Christmas as they've opened presents but there is little replacement for being able to see momma's eyes well up when she opened my gift, or see The Gray Lining stick her tongue out when Momma tells her to quiet down so she can talk to her favorite. My apologies to all that have asked for not video taping this skype experience, I'm sure it would have gone viral in seconds and momma could have been famous...but then again I'm not sure the world is ready for that.
I hope you and yours had as wonderful and merry Christmas as I did.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
- Tuxedo to start covering up her dookies in the litter box
- the coordination to actually use my heeleys
- a waffle maker
- a white IU hat
- a Flowbee
- blue bamboo sheets, queen size
- extreme lipo dissolve
- a new domino set
- Easy E's balls in my mouth, I can't get enough of her delicious balls
- a Roomba
- the book "Seven Gothic Tales"
- a winning IU b-ball season
- Flavor Flav to learn how to use his claws
- someone to stain my entertainment center for me
- a merry day for those I love most
I'm not sure how my Christmas list will play out this year, pretty sure I'm not getting a flowbee, or a roomba but a girl can dream can't she? I am fairly sure that The Gray Lining got me a cat, which means that I need to find someone, fall in love, and get them to move in pronto according to my very own non-scientific, non-research based theory that the maximum allowable cat to person ratio is 2-1. You might be thinking, easier said than done- you would be correct, especially considering I have just recently warmed up to the idea of potentially dating. A year ago saying the word 'dating' would have been very quickly followed by just the tiniest bit of vom. I know, I had the same reaction to the thought of dating as most people have to two girls one cup. Don't judge. Typing the words "love", and "move in" just made me a little queasy, so to The Gray Lining, please take note that nowhere on my Christmas list will you find "another kitten", or "become a creepy cat lady".
Whatever is on your list this year, I hope it finds its way under your tree, and if you're like me and one of the boxes is meowing maybe forget to open that one. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good stiff cocktail. All of mine this wonderful holiday season :)
Thursday, December 16, 2010
While browsing around Borders looking for my next best read, as I all too often do on my lunch hour, I stumbled upon this little gem.
Browsing quickly turned to buying, and it was off to find a steelers snuggie to complete this perfect gift for My BMF and Mrs. My BMF. So, if you find yourself in these last days before christmas wondering just what would be the perfect gift for a couple in your life...you're welcome. Happy Slanket shopping my friends.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
As a side note, I'm pretty sure its going to snow in SWFL today.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
This year we went with the theme of tacky ornaments, after last years ab workout from laughing so much. One of my favorite co-workers and consequently the same girl who purchased the giant glittery ball last year did not disappoint and of course I once again ended up with her ornament. I think it will go marvelously on the tree next to last years 'prize'.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
The comedic ensemble of Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade and Rob Schneider = two hours and $1 I will never get back. Previews, f-in previews.
Through no choosing of my own, I am apparently a Florida State Fan.
Momma and John F were lying. Money does grow on trees...well maybe not, but def on tomato plants cause I found a penny in the pot. Makes me wonder if that whole thing about them not being able to see to drive with the overhead light on in the car was true or not.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
This year we were again -1, as Dirty Sierra Nevada Hoodie spent his holiday in SF. I did however have a good look around the garage for his lone flip flop so we could get toasty and chuck it into the ocean that way at least his spirit would be with us. Alas, the flip flop was MIA. Probably best it wasn't located as polluting the ocean that I adore so much is not really something anyone should do, especially considering that if the flip flop was anything like DSNH himself or his clothing it was probably a bit 'un-washed'.
Aside from the lack of DSNH it was Thanksgiving business as usual, meaning multiple trips to the beach, multiple trips to the bars, enough food to make me gain more than a few lbs over the course of the week, and as a direct result of number two on that list another thanksgiving day morning spent panicking because we woke up entirely too late. This year also included a trip to the "shake-shake", or for those of you from around these parts, "pantyfleas" (which apparently is pretty common on the night before thanksgiving as several of my friends reported similar Thanksgiving Eve stories), The Gray Lining falling asleep from either too much beers or too much foods multiple times (seems with age not only comes wisdom but also earlier bed times), and what Patty Cakes was referring to as "Mustache Thanksgiving" (or what I like to call "facial hair that makes parents pull their children close to them").
Per the thanksgiving tradition, thanks were given by those in attendance and per blog tradition I will say what my little heart is thankful for this year.
1. Always topping the list- My Momma. She's never afraid to speak her mind, and always the first to provide a compliment about the most obscure features on someone (thanks to her I am confident that both my and The Gray Lining's foreheads are in fact gorgeous). She loves unconditionally, takes such joy in the simple things in life, and genuinely enjoys spending time with her kids, and grand kittens. She see's people for the person they are, not the labels others put on them because that is just "how momma rolls". I'm truly thankful for you everyday.
2. The dessert concoction created by Imperial on Thanksgiving. Here's the thing, I love pumpkin, and I have yet to find something flavored like pumpkin that I don't adore. This brilliant man took Pumpkin Spice Egg Nog, Pumpkin Pie Ice Cream, and Rum, mixed them all together. It was legen.......i hope you're not lactose intolerant because you will never be able to enjoy this phenomenally delicious treat....dary.
3. The Gray Lining and Patty Cakes. I'm thankful that every year I get to spend my one of my favorite holidays with my family. While I do make it to Chicago several times a year it has been quite some time since I've been "home" to the ville and it means the world too me that they take the time off work to fly south (granted I partially think its because I have a beach house).
4. Friends that are really family. You make my heart smile every day. Always there to support me, tell me when I'm being an idiot, and sometimes encourage me to be an idiot because you know the end result will make me happy.
5. My babies, Tuxedo Sassy Pantalones and Flavor Flav. I don't know how I made it without you. Tuxedo I am especially thankful that you have taken a likening and welcomed Flav into our home. I know it must have been hard on you but you are a wonderful big sister now and you have a tiny fuzzy toy to play with now! Flav you are my snuggler and a fantastic one at that. I'm happy we survived thanksgiving without you ending up in Patty Cakes luggage cause I don't know what I would do without you to wake me up with a toe bite every morning.
Ok, this is obviously nowhere near an exhaustive list, but I think I hit the big ones. Also, I don't know how I end up talking about the most important things in my life every year and somehow a type of food makes it into the mix. Eh, whatever, its my life don't judge.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
I'm in love, with .4 lbs of fuzz, and his name is Flavor Flav and unlike his namesake he is as handsome as can be. Last Thursday my secretary and her two teary eyed daughters handed over the most adorable bundle of blue eyed fur, and we made our way home. Needless to say Tuxedo was none too happy about the addition of a kitten to our home, and with her tiny brain seemed utterly confused as to what it was doing walking around her house. Five days, a hundred fights, and roughly 15 kitten scratches later, I spent last night sleeping in my bed with two cats who didn't remotely look like they wanted to kill each other. It was bliss.
I love kittens, they melt my heart in about .2 seconds. I can understand how people aren't cat people, but I can't fathom how someone can't love a kitten. He is perfect and wonderful and everyday when my secretary asks me if I want to take one of his brothers or sisters home too I have to remind myself that the maximum allowable cat to person ratio is two to one. I'm seriously considering getting into a committed relationship so I can have another kitten without becoming the creepy cat lady.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
"You're like that guy snoochie from that MTV show." - Patty Cakes poorly referencing The Situation's (from the jersey shore) fascination with his abs to my fascination with my hair.
"Shocking this is a lesbian wedding, there's a f#cking Uhaul parked outside." B-Ru
"You know what I call it, a second goalie"- A describing how Nonnie's beard is something that could keep him from scoring with a girl at the wedding
"I hope someone takes me home today."- Nonnie first thing in the morning after waking up in the nautically themed orphanage type room we stayed in.
" 'The Gray Lining is awesome', Direct quote from everyone at the wedding."- The Gray Lining when I asked her if she could remember any quotes from the wedding weekend.
I didn't shart, my butt reverbed" - Nonnie after he very well may have sharted. Just sayin', he took a shower right after that.
Monday, November 1, 2010
My BFF and I have always described each other as like luggage. Because once you get a good set of luggage you keep it forever. Over time luggage can show some wear and tear, but that happens when it is with you through all of life's journeys. You take it with you when traveling to places that bring you so much joy and happiness and its with you when traveling for reasons that break your heart.
I've adored being a part of the journey My BFF and Mrs. My BFF/Rouge Hand celebrated on Saturday. From the day My BFF met Mrs. My BFF/Rouge Hand, something was different. Although I think I'm normally good with the words I find it impossible to describe. What I do know is that from the moment they became friends until the moment they finally became more than that, I did not have a conversation with My BFF that didn't include Mrs. My BFF's name.
Buddy, you are the hall the my oates, the pb to my j, my best friend, my family, and my favorite set of luggage. It was an amazing experience to be a part of your wedding day, and I couldn't be happier that you found someone who so perfectly suits you to spend the rest of your days with. Congrats and all of mine to the blissfully happy couple!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Due to the nuptials of My BFF and The Future Mrs. My BFF/Rouge Hand falling on the Eve of All Hallows Eve, I had to get my Halloween celebration on a week early which didn't bother me at all but I do think it confused more than a few people at the drinking establishment we regularly visit. This years costume was decided too long ago to remember, and I'm not completely sure what made me decide to go as a man, let alone a man with mutton chops (I'm assuming my reasoning had something to do with a constant need to acquire laughter) but I went as the Wolverine. Along with the wolverine we had a butt pirate, a race horse and robin sparkles just to mention a few. It may not have been Halloween but it certainly felt that way....until next year.
I can now say I know what the wolverine felt like when he first got his claws. It was confusing and I almost jabbed my own eye out about 15 times.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Trying to figure out who's supposed to supply the broom for the the brides to jump over. I'm not sure if it's something the bridesmaids do, or if the venue provides it. Also wondering since only one of them is actually from the south, if a swiffer would be more appropriate?
Thursday, October 21, 2010
When trying to win tickets on the radio, listen to the actual radio. Don't listen to the internet feed of the station....there is a time delay, and you will not win anything.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Every couple of days I call My BFF to yell the number of days until her wedding, scream wheeeewwww and ask just how excited she is. This (what has become a) ritual is not always met with the exact amount of enthusiasm I would like. Turns out weddings are stressful. They (you know them) say the devil is in the details, and the devil is in full force my friends. I figure, when it comes down to it, the only people that know something is "missing" are the ones who planned the thing. Everyone else is just living it up and celebrating two of their friends getting hitched.
In the end, the wedding and the subsequent reception are really just a huge party. I mean I throw parties all the time, in just a week I am throwing a house re-warming, but you won't see people flying from other states and for some other countries to celebrate me getting new furniture, that type of a commitment to par-tay only arises when two people decide to spend their lives together. In my world, the wedding and the reception should be stress free, after all its one night, a lot of cocktails, and fuzzy memory banks.
What you should be stressing about is the next 20, 40, or 50+ (depending on if you treat your body like a temple or a tent) years. It's called marriage, and you're in it for the long haul buddy. Stress about that ;)
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
I don't know if the brides have selected a ring bearer for the ceremony but Tuxedo volunteered her services if need be. She is experienced in carrying things on her back, after her recent stint as a race horse.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
Trying to decide how I'm going to do my hair for the wedding. I think I have it ruled down to three options.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Last night I was watching Dancing with the Stars (possible thing to be embarrassed about #1) because a. there was nothing else on tv and b. i wanted to see just how bad The Situation danced. My viewing was intermittent as I've been trying to catch up on laundry after being without a washer since August 9th but I did happen to pass by the tv just as they were interviewing Sarah Palin. I paused because quite frankly that lady says some messed up shit and gives me quite the laugh every once in a while. What caught my attention was not her stories of hunting moosen or waving at Russians, but her attire. You see pretty recently I picked up this sweet leather jacket, along with a few compliments on my hipness.
Turns out Sarah Palin and I do our shopping at the same store (possible thing to be embarrassed about #2)
Or maybe Ms. Sarah Palin should be embarrassed about shopping at the same store as someone in their 20's.
Oh also, am I the only one who is wondering if The Situation has smooshed Taledega or Daytona (or whatever her name is) Palin yet?
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
After finding out that no one else was coming in their Halloween costume to the rehearsal dinner, even though I was apparently still welcome to, I took some time and picked out the perfect outfit.
Yes it is a velvet tuxedo, and yes it is beautiful.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Ah, the past five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes...I've said goodbye, said hello, loved, drank a glass or two of hater-aid (and rum), hugged, laughed till my cheeks hurt, kissed (probably more than I should have), and lived the best way I know how.
While living the minutes of the past year there weren't many times where I took pause, or thought about how a moment was shaping my life. Perhaps I should more often, seems there is no time like the present. Come take a walk with me....
~ This year I felt for the first time what it was like to love someone the moment I met them, a feat that is not easy for this girl. I've held more than a fair share of friend's newborns in my arms but this year I held a niece and when the nurse asked if I was My BMF's sister, it felt about right. ~ I talked entirely too much about my hair and it's level of awesomeness. ~ I said goodbye to more than one friend, but now know that a goodbye is necessary to say hello when we meet again, which for friends is inevitable. ~ I got mistaken for Ellen Degeneres by a 3 year old. ~ I gained a brother, one who can take a punch and party with me till the sun comes up. ~ I made entirely too many graphs and drawrings. ~ I introduced you to quite simply the greatest group of friends and family that ever were. ~ I discovered again and again why I heart living in the south. ~ In a moment of insanity I took a cross country road trip where I saw my first real life western mountain and became a badass snowboarder. ~ I exposed my clumsiness. ~ With a smile and tears on my face I pronounced a couple man and wife. ~
In between the 'big' moments there was laughter, tears, theme parties, occasional work, fights, celebrations, apologies and cocktails. It has been a pretty nice little year in my life. I hope you have enjoyed seeing it through my eyes.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
I've never been to a wedding in the South before so I googled Southern Weddings. This is what came up.
My BFF didn't mention it but according to South Carolina state law, the bridesmaid's would be required to wear either a Hunter's Orange hat or vest. Guess its time to hit up Bass Pro Shop.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
In the mean time I've decided to live my own "self help book" because its true, I really can't afford the luxury of negative feelings and a new couch, and this girl has got to have a comfy place to sit and watch her stories.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
With the wedding on the eve of All Hallows Eve, thwarting any chance of yours truly attending a Halloween party, I've suggested to the brides that the rehearsal dinner be done in costume. I will be attending as Wolverine.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Change is hard, and anyone who knows me knows I can easily admit to being a bit co-dependent. Though typically used with a negative connotation, I simply just like to be entertained, have someone to comment to about something that just happened on tv or something stupid one of our friends did, and ultimately and don't really enjoy being constantly afforded silence to be with my thoughts.
In that light, I have kept myself pretty busy with a lot of re-organizing, DIYing and wholly making my new, be it quieter, house a home.
My first project was painting a bookcase I acquired from the Kissy Faced Booty Shaker. It was a very light wood colored, simple bookcase which I immediately knew needed to become more 'my style'. I decided on brown for the outside and yellow (to match the couch!) on the inside of the shelves.
In just three short days, and what seemed like 10 coats of paint later I finally finished....that was until I got my coffee table and end tables I ordered in the mail. Though I still loved them upon actual sight, the picture on the interweb of them led me to believe they were a lighter dark brown. So....with this new development I decided I best change back into my paint covered clothes and re-do the brown on the outside of the bookcase or it would have no chance of matching my new furniture. So...three more additional days later I finally, finally finished.
Finishing up the bookcase put me at Thursday of this week. Due to the tv lineup, which includes Rookie Blue (starring none-other than the girl from Stick It), I looked for a project that could be completed while I sat my tiny behind on the couch and watched a girl with too much rock for one hand kick bad guys asses. I settled on a DIY clock project; I haven't really known what time it was when I was in the living room for about three weeks now so that in combination with the tv schedule, it seemed like perfect timing (yes, there was a pun intended).
For something that sounded really simple to make it actually took me about an hour and a half.....but what resulted was perfectly perfect for someone such as myself who only likes one thing more than beer. Pretty simple: clock parts, some pretty paisley fabric, a empty six pack, glue gun, and double sided tape.
DIY 6-pack Clock
What tonight has in store for me I do not know, but I'll find a project, I'm confident of that. What worries me is what I'm going to do with my time when I run out of things to do.
Making some progress....
Friday, August 20, 2010
No one got married (at least that they can remember), no one went to jail, no one got slipped a roofie (or a floorie, or a rappie), and against all odds the four best friends that anyone could have made it safely home to their respective states in relatively unscathed bodies. And that my friends is Vegas in a nutshell.
For the extended version, which includes never heard before outtakes and the truth about what happened in Vegas not only not staying there, but ending up on the interweb via my blog please continue to read.
The truth about Vegas is that it is meant for the young at heart and the young at body….the place where Vegas and I butt heads is that I am only the former. Turns out a three hour time difference makes A sleepy tired at around midnight Vegas time and her desire to head on over to sleepy town greatly outweighs her desire to gamble and go to un-sa un-sa clubs (but then again, my desire to get a root canal outweighs my desire to go to un-sa un-sa clubs).
When I wasn’t going to bed before the buffets and clubs even opened up for the night I was trying to gamble. Trying is the operative word here. Here’s the thing, I’m not really a gambler. First off, in order to win money in a casino you have to be willing to lose money in a casino and quite frankly I’m just not willing. Secondly, gambling makes me nauseous. When I was a child my Momma was HUGE into bingo and it always looked so fun and exciting with the intense looks on the blue hairs' faces, cigs hanging out of their mouths, and the elation when they got to scream BINGO!!!! It truly looked like something I wanted to get all up in. As an adult I went once with Momma to Bingo. What I experienced was feeling like I was going to vom for about two hours. That’s when I learned that gambling makes me nervous. The aforementioned pukey feelings led me and The Gray Lining to mucho time spent setting up shop at the penny slots and waiting for the cocktail waitress to find us and bring us ‘free’ drinks. The way I figure it, I only spent about twenty to forty dollars a day on gambling which lead to free cocktails and consequently quite the buzz, so really I bested Vegas in that aspect as marathon drinking usually doesn’t result in a twenty dollar bar tab. Put one in the win column for A!
I will say this for Vegas, its beautiful and shiny and you can have a girl delivered to your front door in less than 20 minutes, basically all the things you read and hear about. What I didn't realize was that in order to 'see' Vegas I would have to step outside of the casino into what can only be described as a giant hooker filled, sparkly oven with free cocktails. They must call it sin city because it is actually where the devil resides, hell. The heat, my god the heat. I live in a tropical location, I moved there because I despise cold and I'm perfectly content having the thermostat in my house set to 79 degrees....but this, this was heat like I had never experienced. Never in my life had I felt a breeze that made you hotter. When outside your skin tingled as if your body was being cooked by not the sun but just by the air. I actually used sun screen at the pool and still was the proud owner of a sunburn after only 10 minutes in the squelching heat. On top of that, its the desert, and my friends, the desert is dry. This was no bueno for my humidity loving skin and by day 5 both The Gray Lining and I were suffering from nose bleeds.
Speaking of heat, do you know what happens when people get hot? They sweat. The ungodly heat caused some chemical reaction in the shoes of Satans Spawn and what resulted was the unbearable stench of pickled cheese emitting from his feet. By day three the smell filled our room, by day four SS threw away all of his socks as they were clearly not salvageable. The Gray Lining and I became concerned that the maids might report us to code enforcement for running a pickled cheese manufacturing business out of a hotel room.
While I could probably go on for days about this trip I'll just round this out with a list of things I learned while in Vegas.
1. If you come home from the bar at 6am, climb over the barrier to the hotel pool and fall asleep on a pool chair, hotel security is "happy" to escort you back to your room.
2. Gambling is no longer a game for SS.
3. You actually can lose weight on a vacation, that is if you walk the entire Vegas strip and completely dehydrate yourself.
4. SS could use some type of medical intervention for his foot odor problem. Shit, scientists might even want to study it.
5. 5 days is too long to stay in Vegas.
6. The Gray Lining and I are 'Sunday Hot' in Vegas, as it was the only day we were given free passes to the "exclusive club" at the pool.
7. 60 year olds, with a bit of work done, are also 'Sunday Hot" in Vegas.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Sin City with The Gray Lining, Patty Cakes and Satan's Spawn until next Tuesday!
Monday, August 9, 2010
I wish I could perfectly describe the amount of joy, laughter, and love that was shared Saturday as my BMF married his sweetheart. It was a wedding like no other I had ever been to. Thrown by family and friends, small, simple, beautiful. Forty of those closest to the bride and groom gathered at sunset with their toes in the sand to be a part of a day they will forever remember. I had the honor and privilege of viewing the wedding from a different angle than other guests; as the officiant. Long before he put a ring on it, My BMF and Mrs. My BMF asked me that when the day came if I would utilize my Online Ordination I got while trying to avoid studying for a test in college at their wedding. Naturally, I happy and excitedly obliged.
It could not have been more perfect, as if mother nature knew what was happening, she provided us a beautiful sunset, a day without rain and a nice breeze to cool us off. I, as well as most of the guests, made it until Mrs. My BMF began her vows before the water works started, through her words, her smile, and her tears we all felt how true her love was and how much it meant to be able for her to marry the man from her dreams. My BMF spoke with such feeling and adoration, but did not disappoint as his vows ended with a quote from Mr. Brad Paisley. And by a quote I mean a note, as he serenaded her with "What I can't see is how I'm ever gonna love you more, but I've said that before...".
I will remember and cherish forever the day I got to pronounce them husband and wife and officially add another sister to my family. Congrats Mr. and Mrs. My BMF! All of mine.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Several months ago the Gray Lining put up a Google share calendar so we could track our training progress and I have to say I was pretty diligent about getting several miles in 3-4 times a week. I know that isn't top physical form but for a lady of leisure like myself I was as pleased as punch. Even though I was in much better shape than this time last year I don't think there is possibly a way I could have trained to run a race in the Midwest, while living in south Florida. See, in the Midwest there are these things called hills. We don't possess those. Well, let me take that back, I know of one hill. I see it when I'm driving to work everyday. So I guess the only possible way I could have prepared myself for the hell that was the Muddy Buddy Chicago was to go out to our hill and run up and down it repetitively.
The race started off well, me on the bike and The Gray Lining running. I was feeling pretty good and passing people like it was my job, confident that my mountain biking skills were far superior to those around me as I saw the rough terrain cause a couple wrecks. All in all about about a half mile into the race I thought "Two Girls One Bike" were going to make this Muddy Buddy their biotch. About a quarter mile left in my initial biking leg I came upon a mud pit, about 8 feet wide and 12 feet long. Race volunteers instructed the bikers to carry their bikes through the pit which left me about ankle deep in mud and about knee deep in water. While focusing on not falling the thought that I had to finish the remainder of the 5 miles with shoes weighed down by mud and water didn't even enter my mind. Don't worry, that thought quickly made its way into my consciousness as I dumped my bike off at the first obstacle and started on my mile run.
After that it was Bike, Run, and Bike again with a few wall climbs and army crawls tossed in between before I met up with The Gray Lining to finish out the last quarter mile of the race. What happened next is etched in my brain and as it turns out etched in my flesh. Once again the race volunteers instructed us to pick up our bicycles and to hop into what can only be described as a ditch filled with water run off from a horse/cow pasture. Imagine that lovely smell. All was well until I went from knee deep in the poo water to thigh deep in the poo water. Apparently the ditch came complete with what seemed to be underwater pot holes. With the weight of the bike on my back and no available hands to use to stop my forward momentum my shins bared the brunt of my entire weight + the weight of our 1994 10 ten speed as they smacked into the concrete edge of the underwater pot hole. Thankfully some other racer pulled the bike off me, as The Gray Lining continued for the finish. After realizing amid my screams that I was injured The Gray Lining came back to assist with the bicycle while I hobbled through the remainder of the ditch bleeding, battered, and covered in poo water.
As with any Muddy Buddy the race finished with a crawl through a mud pit and a run to the finish. It wasn't pretty and it certainly wasn't graceful, but we completed the race in 1 hour and 9 minutes. Overall, I will call it a success and only had one request for next year...that The Gray Lining and I compete on flat land next year in the Sunshine State.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
At this point its looking like I might be moving into a box. If you need my new address it will be P.O. Box, FL. Thats it, just PO Box, well I suppose if I move into a box next to someone else it might be PO Box on the Left, FL. Well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
I did find one place that is within my price range, one problem...Its 500 sq. feet. I'm not sure how this works, 500 sq feet is tiny. Tiny like as in it has a combo sink/toilet. Assuming it has a separate bedroom as it was not listed as a studio how would one fit a queen size bed in it? I might have to downgrade to a twin bed, which is fine for me, but that isn't going to help when I have visitors over. I'll have to be like "Hey there, welcome to where the magic happens. Yeah, that's right, its a twin. Hope you like to snuggle". P I M P.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
As promised a run down of the Redneck Games and Hillbilly Bash, otherwise known as the celebration of the third anniversary of my 26th Birthday. On this fine day I learned a few things, and I would be just as pleased as punch to share them with you.
1. Turns out when invited to a Hillbilly Bash everything you need can be picked up on your way to the party with one quick stop to Walmart. Which is phenomenal considering those I hold near and dear to my heart aren't what you call 'planners'.
2. Not even SLBDJT can make jorts look sexy.
3. Men's camouflage shorts provide ample space to store multiple Smirnoff Ice.
4. No Longer Easy E has a huge bladder...she can sit in a kiddie pool in our driveway drinkin' beers all day and never have to get up to go the bathroom.
5. My friends love me and care about my physical well-being enough to not set up a slip and slide in the backyard after I have been celebrating the demise of my youth all. damn. day.
6. SLBDJT believes it to be appropriate to not only go to the bar, but to also ride in a cab seconds after going swimming in jorts.
As a whole the day was filled with a multitude of "Icings", more than a few odd looks from the neighbors, and great times shared with great friends.
It ended just a quickly as it began and when I woke up in the afternoon I found a yard that brought me back to memories of my younger years in the midwest. I couldn't have asked for a better way to celebrate the third anniversary of my 26th!
Friday, June 25, 2010
I also picked up a 6 pack of Smirnoff Ice...guess we'll find out what party goers actually read this fine blog and bring a blocker tomorrow.
Updates from the birthday bash to follow!
Thursday, June 24, 2010
I think yesterday the meteorologist may have accidentally made an upward hand gesture when he should have made a downward hand gesture, because at about 10 till 5 the skys opened up over our sleepy little town and dumped some buckets on us. Amazingly enough, had I worked 3 miles to the north, south, eat or west of the building I actually work in, I would have thought that weather man really knew his stuff...but alas I do not. I made a mad dash out of the building hopping, unsuccessfully i might add, over puddle after puddle, jumped in my car and assessed the damage. Wet shoes, wet socks, every square inch of my drivers side was rain spotted. It was almost as if the rain was not coming from the sky but being shot out of a giant squirt gun as the horizontal rain peppered Bruce's drivers side window. I drove home white knuckled, butt scooted up to the front of the seat so I was sitting about as close to the windshield as Momma, squinting out the white lines and hugging as close to them as possible. Ten minutes later I began to see the sunshine Florida is famous for and I was able to ease back into a normal, more comfortable driving position, or what my momma calls, 'laying down while driving'. It occurred to me at this point that in the 2 years and 11 months that I've owned Bruce, I haven't changed the windshield wipers. Being the detective that I am I deduced that this is in fact the reason the rain is not so much wiped from my windshield when I drive, but more smeared across it.
One quick stop at Walmart later and I not only purchased a couple new blades but also learned that these should technically be changed every six months, or at the very least once a year. Who knew. The weather man says no rain today so I don't know if I'll get to try them out but you never know.
Monday, June 21, 2010
After arriving to our very own Kapua suite we had a quick dinner and headed to the resort tiki bar. It wasn't long before we found out that the tiki bar we had set up shop at was closing at 11pm. Shortly after assessing our situation, No Longer Easy E and SLBDJT took this early closing time as a cue to make it a cocktail night instead of a beer night. Not much longer after that decision was made a group of guys on vacation from Texas arrived and proceeded to convince, through promise of a large monetary gain, the bartender to stay open until around 3 am. Suddenly the aforementioned decision appeared to be not the correct one.
We learned a couple things over the course of the evening....
1. I reaffirmed the fact that accents mesmerize me.
b. SLBDJT needs more 'man friends'.
3. That we should always have a Smirnoff Ice on our person.
I know what you're thinking...obviously, obviously, and what?!? That's right, after this weekend I'm pretty sure SLBDJT is carrying a lukewarm Smirnoff Ice in his suit jacket today at work. Ok, maybe not at work but he probably has one under the seat of his car so he can be ready in case another bro tries to "ice him". Apparently, there is a new drinking game sweeping our fine nation...one in which you pull a Smirnoff Ice out of your pocket, hand it to your bro and he then gets down on one knee like the b*#ch he is and chugs it. The only thing that can save you from being "Iced" is to also carry a Smirnoff Ice around with you and when you are presented with a Smirnoff Ice (aka Iced) you pull out your very own Smirnoff and block it. At that point the person who tried to Ice you has to chug both of them.
This may be the dumbest thing I have ever heard of, and I'm fairly confident that either some frat hole or perhaps Smirnoff themselves in some brilliant marketing scheme came up with it. Have you ever drank Smirnoff ice? Maybe when you were 14? I swear you can't order one of those things and not get carded, yet there were 15 grown men buying it like it was going out of style and Icing each other.
The moral of this story is....after watching the hilarity of this unfold, and seeing SLBDJT get Iced, I might pick up a six pack....really, I got dared to bong one of those things once in college....after that experience I definitely see a strong need to carry a blocker.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
This year something changed...evolution takes years. I mean, if the appendix takes centuries to go from being an integral cog in our digestive system to what is now an tiny pouch that serves no purpose but to periodically burst and almost kill us, then a group of misfits who would be eligible for winning nothing aside from best team name could win a championship...if given enough time.
Perhaps we evolved, perhaps it was a fluke, perhaps the moon was aligned just right..I mean hell, the Blackhawks won a championship the same night. What I do know is that every once in a while the sky opens up and a beautiful beam of sunshine lands on shit.
Congrats "I'd Hit That", it was a landmark season.
Your's in coaching omnipotence,
Friday, June 4, 2010
Here's to hoping many nights full of sleep are to follow because I think I just broke the first rule of fight club.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Here's a short clip of my all time favorite winner, Rebecca Sealfon. She embodies badassness (at least in the spelling world), even though she denied my friend request on facebook.
A short note to No Longer Easy E....I am deeply saddened that we will not be able to continue our tradition of the Scripps National Spelling Bee Drinking game this year due to our conflicting travel schedules. Even though the game as it originated only made us feel stupid, it blossomed into a wonderful evening where you don't have to be able to spell to be a winner, you just be able to look at a kid and guess if they can spell. Perhaps next year we can do it over skype, if you're not too busy trying to be a doctor.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
After a week of Mommy, Daddy and AJ time to themselves I figured it was about time to go snuggle the tiniest member of my extended family....that was until two people in my office told me they had the pox. Adult chicken pox to be specific. I was under the belief that once you itched your ass off as a child you were forever free from a round two. I was wrong. Apparently adult chicken pox is hard to diagnose if it is round two for you and no doctor or health department would say you definitely had them, only that you might. They are apparently milder and look more like very tiny, hardly itchy bug bites. With this news and the discovery of some mildly itchy spots on my back, which very likely came from a camping trip the weekend prior but went unnoticed, I said my first out of hospital hello to little A from a distance of 10 feet and through the germ fighting barrier of a screened door. Better safe than sorry right???
After a quarantined week symptom free Little A and I finally got to have our faux hawks unite. After snuggling down in the rocking chair we took a bit to stare at how dangerously good looking the other is. Then we practiced saying our names "Aaaaaaaaa", I also let her know that I will qualify "Aaaaahhhhhh". Finally we had a nice discussion about how while in Aunt A's arms there will be no pukies and no poopies. We had a minor disagreement about the later. Being that Little A is not exactly talking she 'voiced' her disagreement with a shart. Its amazing how something so tiny, and so wonderfully perfect can make such a crude and disgusting noise and smell. I honestly felt her bottom half shake.
Later in the visit after Little A had her 50th meal of the day she started making what is known as 'poopie faces'. I guess when she normally makes this face a poop is on deck and its on its way out pronto. This poo however wasn't expedited so the baby was passed to me, as I apparently make the poopies come.
Couldn't I be the one who makes the baby stop crying?
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Def. makes you sound more intelligent.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Case in point----
Kissy Faced Booty Shaker: "I think I have carpal tunnel"
A: "From playing pacman?"
Kissy Faced Booty Shaker: "On google. Yes"
A: "and you just made my blog"
Thursday, May 13, 2010
I suppose I have always been a late bloomer. I didn’t lose all my baby teeth until I was fifteen, my first kiss came in eighth grade, my bra size until the age of 22 was literally “Nearly an A”, and at the ripe old age of 28 I am teething. While I’m not sure if teething is the appropriate term for getting your first wisdom tooth, I am sure that it hurts like a biznatch. Consequently I would adore one of those little ring things you freeze and then num num on, or what I have been told the adult form of one of those is, vicodin. I have neither.
It might be the short stature, my attire which is comparable to that of a 15 year old boy, or the baby face that has somehow avoided skin damage even though I refuse to use sunscreen, but with my 29th (shudder) birthday looming I still get mistaken for an 18 year old. People say that someday I would take being mistaken for much younger than I am as a compliment. Truth be told, at times it is an annoyance but for the most part I have never minded it and have truly enjoyed my ‘youth’ and will continue to enjoy it for as long as it lasts. I really do nothing to hold on to it, no visits to the fountain, no makeup to cover emerging wrinkles, no trips to the salon to cover up the grays. What is it from that Kenny Chesney song, “You treat your body like a temple, I treat mine like a tent.”? That pretty much sums it up.The fact of the matter is that I don’t feel older, at least mentally, and I like to think that has something to do with my often mistaken youth. I still enjoy the same things that I always have. Monday my lunch menu consisted of a lunchable, a brownie, a snack size bag of Doritos, and a pack of fruit snacks. Yes, I realize I was lacking a Capri sun, but Momma doesn’t pack my lunch anymore and I forgot it in the fridge. I spent last Sunday at the water park, shooting out of water slides into a pool which I'm sure was filled with a bunch of 8 year old's urine, only taking a break to suck down a blue raspberry Icee. I adore naps, and love recess, granted they call it physical training (P.T.) but playing basketball at work is recess to me. Basically, I'm a huge believer that you're as young as you feel. So next month, do me a favor and wish me a happy 26th.
Seriously? That squash is huge!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
Welcome to the world Little A! It seems as if we have been waiting for you forever. I know we've had some chats but I've probably sounded more like Charlie Brown's teacher (I know you won't get that reference because you're too young but someday you will watch A Charlie Brown Christmas and you'll be with me) than anything else while you were in your mom's belly. So... I thought I might start you off right with some words of wisdom, Aunt A style. I figure you'll probably be a follower on my blog pretty soon assuming you have inherited your moms big ol' dinosaur brains. Enjoy little one. All of mine.
When you drink way way way too much, and you will, (hopefully a long, long, long time from now) never eat one of your favorite foods, you will get sick and forever associate that food with that night and you will never want to eat it again.
While I think it’s right and true for one to pick their own political affiliation, I loved you before you were even born, and I want to carry that love for you for all of time. Thus, you are a democrat.
Your parents are not always going to be right, but when it comes to you they will be thinking with their hearts most of the time. Don’t wait until you are in your 20’s to realize what fantastic people they are.
Never start smoking, I know it looks cool and everything, but you’ll regret it later.
I know you’ll think he’s a big dork but your dad is one of the funniest and most charismatic people I’ve ever met. Take that from him and it will take you far in life, in work, in love, and in friendships.
Be a cat person.
Have your dad teach you how to change a tire yourself, and then have your mom teach you to bat your pretty eyes so you’ll never actually have to do it yourself.
Play a sport because you want to and because you love it, not because it’s what others want you to do. Aka- no matter what your dad (or mom) says you do not have to ride dirt bikes, or play lacrosse unless you love it.
Bitches be crazy.
Make mistakes, jump off roofs, and get dirty when you’re young enough for your heart to heal quickly, when you’re bones are still bendy, and when you still have your parents to wash your clothes for you.
What makes you different and maybe even weird as a kid will be what makes people think you are amazing as you become an adult. Embrace your differences; whether it’s your unique name, a tulip shaped nose, or your quirky laugh.
When you love someone tell them every chance you get.
Try to be happy 95% of the time. All but that 5% of the time you can find a silver lining, you might just have to look a bit harder than others are willing to.
Go away for college, preferably to the public Harvard of the midwest, just sayin' IU is a good choice no matter what your State loving mom says.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
They call it a cone of uncertainty for a reason. Today officially puts Little A two days late. I’m patiently awaiting the birth of my very first niece, though I’m not so sure that My BMF and The Future Mrs. My BMF are waiting patiently, perhaps waiting in quite the opposite fashion. The nursery is ready, car seats have been properly installed by a well trained professional, and The Future Mrs. My BMF is looking a little weary from carrying around what appears to be an overinflated basketball in the front of her shirt. Although I’m practically a doctor and perfectly qualified to deliver should she decide to come in an emergency fashion at tonight’s softball game, I have no idea when Little A is actually going to show her pretty face to the world, what I do have are some theories on why she is taking her sweet time.
- Her dad is super loud and she doesn’t want to hear him at full volume.
- She hears those yappy dogs, and she is a cat person.
- She doesn’t want to get left on the top of the car by her dad as he drives off from the hospital, it seems much safer in the confines of the tummy.
- Due to a lack of motor function , general room to contort her body in such a small place, and hair product she is having a hard time styling her hair into a mini faux hawk for her first pictures. The vanity gene is pretty strong, or so I’ve heard.
- Like her parents she arrives at a party that starts at 8pm at 10pm.
- She realizes her mom is one of those cute pregnant moms, so she's just helping her stay pregnant a little longer.
- She doesn't really like the color pink and she doesn't want to wear all those clothes in her closet.
- She’s waiting for her mom to learn how to spell her name.
- It is actually an overinflated basketball in The Future Mrs. My BMF’s shirt and we’ve all been duped.
- For her name her parents have picked out a derivative of April, her to-be birth month, in Spanish (Abril), but she would prefer a derivative of May in Spanish (Mayo), like Mayonnaise, or Maybelline.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
A year ago, Tux(edo) Sassy Pantalones came bounding into this world and a short two months later she became the apple of my eye, the Hall to my Oates, the other pea to join my pod. Tux has her moments that make all her annoying traits fade quickly away and if you are ever lucky enough to be the first person to pick her up right after she wakes up from a cat nap and enjoy the 30 seconds of love you get before she realizes that someone is holding her, you'll know just what I'm talking about. You'll forget about her lack of tact that leaves drop-you-with-one-sniff poos uncovered in the litter box, and focus on how she picks up her stuffed sheep and carries it around with her, even when that stuffed animal was as big as she was. You'll forget about her drinking from the bathroom sink at the exact moment you need a sip of water to rinse the toothpaste out of your mouth, and focus on how funny it is when she Criss Angel's you just as you are spitting out your toothpaste into what was an empty sink onto what is now a toothpaste covered kitty. You'll forget about the terror you see in your overweight cat Angel's eyes as Tux enters 'attack mode', and focus on the two lbs that your overweight cat Angel has lost from all the wrestling matches and how much easier she is to pick up and how much less you have to tell her that 'big is beautiful'.