Wednesday, March 31, 2010
While on the site, I clicked on the Heelys link just to see what they had. Honestly I have wanted a pair of these for years but could never justify spending 50 to 60 bones on a pair of shollerskates, I’m ridiculous, but not quite that level of ridiculous. Plus if you really wanted to talk about total cost you would have to add in my ER deductible, so basically we are talking about a $160 dollar pair of shollerskates. Honestly, you could probably buy a slightly used kidney for $160 on the black market or at the very least an asian baby. I digress. Much to my elation I stumbled upon a pair of Heelys for 22.75! SOLD!
Here I am four days later with no more coordination than that of asian baby, or any baby for that matter, and unwrapping a size 8 concussion. Here’s to short lines at the ER, wish me luck!
Monday, March 29, 2010
Last week, I had the brilliant idea to pull No-Longer-Easy-E’s rollerblades out of the back of the garage and to strap them onto the feet of my 61 year old mother. I won’t lie; she put up a bit of resistance at first, but quickly realized that a broken hip would secure her a much longer stay in sunny Florida; as she was slated to leave on a jet plane back to the blistery north the following day.
As I climbed past the random assortment of cob web covered sporting goods we have sitting in our garage, I nearly knocked over momma’s beach bicycle which I have been meaning to put training wheels on. My pause to stabilize the bike should have provided enough time to think back to her describing the not one, but two separate wrecks she has had on it….and in turn to realize her lack of stability on a bicycle might just transfer to rollerblades. Nay. I continued my progression to the back of our cluttered garage and within ten minutes I was attempting haphazardly to pull her out of her beach chair and get her up on 8 wheels.
I don't know that she ever actually rollerbladed that day, it was more like a guided tour of my driveway on wheels; pushing and sometimes pulling interrupted by noises like "whoooooo!", intermittent cursing, and flailing arms reminiscent of a someone who doesn't know how to swim getting tossed in the deep end.
In the end there was only one close call. After which I was yelled at for pinching the back of her arm when deep down we both know she should have been thanking me for saving her from a broken hip and fractured skull. But hey, who am I to complain, the next day she was off to the airport with both femurs moving just how they should be in perfectly sound hips.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
No-Longer-Easy-E found a purple piece of confetti shaped like a man's genitals on the floor of her room last night.
The question....where did it come from?!?
Was it tracked in or was it left by a visitor?
Who has the motive?!?
Suspects that can be placed at the scene include:
No-Longer-Easy E's Shoe: Lacks a brain to have a motive, but also has no control over whether things stick to it or not.
Lumberjack: Her name is Lumberjack, she might be scared to even touch something shaped like the male genitalia.
Tree-Hugging-Sister-of-Lumberjack: Not to be ruled out, opposite of sister, love for trees and everything 'wood'.
Too-Old-For-A-Lip-Ring: Too much interest in the Tree Hugger to plan the placement of the item in question.
The Bearded One: Sense of humor which rivals a 6 year old, not to be ruled out.
MILF Magnet: Is roommate and bff to The Bearded One, likely accomplice.
SLBDJT: Usually is rendered unconscious by around 10pm, could use comma like state as an alibi.
Katrainwreck: Due to hormone levels during pregnancy she has recently had a general lack of interest in male genitalia. Solid alibi.
My BMF: Much like the Bearded One, his sense of humor puts him in question, yet his lack of motor skills while near No-Longer-Easy-E's room provides question.
Kissy Faced Booty Shaker: Had access to area, but lacked motor skills much like My BMF.
Momma: Enjoys shiny things including confetti, inappropriate jokes and items shaped like the item in question. Also had access to the area while no one was around.
The case has yet to be solved but the top suspects include: Momma, The Bearded One, Tree-Hugging-Sister-of-Lumberjack, and No-Longer-Easy-E's Shoe.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
I met My BFF during my (1st) senior year of college. My BFF and The Gray Lining had speech class together and as it turned out My BFF and I also had Nutrition together. Now, even though we did have a class together we had never seen each other there due to my unique ability to fall asleep in a tiny lecture hall seat while still holding my pencil up as if I were taking notes---a pair of sunglasses and I would have had some real Weekend at Bernies convincing shit there.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
I never had a hard time saying I love you. I like the yucky love stuff, which is odd because I tend to surround myself with people who don’t so much enjoy it. Nonetheless, I’m a lover not a fighter, and not just because most 6 year olds could kick my ass (yeah, I can only do 14 pushups in one minute). Truth be told, I don’t love easily, but when I do get to the point where a relationship has evolved and is filled with trust, communication, and the happiness that love brings, I feel like it’s important to tell a person you love them every chance you get. That being said…
Beer, I adore you. I want to write you poems and send flowers to your office. I want to stand outside your window, hold my stereo above my head and blast love songs all night. I want to throw pebbles at your window when you’re grounded, and stick love notes in your locker. In a word the feelings that I have for you could be summed up simply by ‘love’. Just thought you should know.
Happy St. Patty’s Day everyone, and Happy Florida Anniversary to No-Longer-Easy-E.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Here's the thing, I don't live on a farm and require the extra daylight to pick my crop, nor as Ben intended am I saving money on candles. I actually grew up in a state that never participated in Day Light Savings time and honestly, now living in a state that does participate, not really seeing much difference aside from the fact that one day a year I wake up exhausted.
I know I'm not the only person in the world suffering this morning as my office was basically zombieland up until about 1 o'clock. Today, there was no discussion of the fun things people did on their weekend off, only blank stares at computer screens or in some cases at the wall. I popped out of my exhaustion induced haze only after using my lunch hour to take a nap in my car, another person said f it and went home, and two others actually forgot about the time change all together because they only use cell phones as clocks and just plain didn't understand why they were so tired.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
As a side note...I can not get it out of my head, catchy song singing little bastard. That song is like waffle house, you know you shouldn't like it....but you do. I haven't felt like this since I couldn't stop singing about Jordin Sparks's Tattoo.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
While taking the aforementioned interweb classes this week I saw a slide that just made me laugh out loud and I thought I would share. From a course on epidemiology:
Below is a list of actual chief complaints collected from participating hospital systems:
-Stuck bead in nose
-Fish hook in ear
-Fell and laid in yard for a couple hours
-Fell onto cactus
-Right foot pain, dropped turkey (2 days before Thanksgiving)
-Run over by golf cart
-Odd behavior after eating fresh peaches
-Blue plate special
-Talking to dead people
I’m not so sure what exactly I was supposed to learn from that, perhaps that it is quite difficult to determine whether there is an epidemic or outbreak of a certain disease when this is what is actually reported by people. However, I can confidently say what I did learn is that people are hilarious and god made a lot of them aesthetically intelligent.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Ten Key Ninja and Patty Cakes
Both Ten Key Ninja and Patty Cakes are accountants in the bright lights big city of Chicago. They dress up to go to work and ten key all day (at least that’s what I think). For that, Ten Key Ninja and Patty Cakes I award you “Most Likely to Succeed”. Congrats!
Monday, March 1, 2010
As you may have read recently, the Kissy Faced Booty Shaker decided to take a big leap and move all the way across the country to a little town called Los Angeles to take up residence with her honey whom we will call “Furry Chopra”. This being said, I offered to make the trip with her to her new residence because I apparently have nothing better to do with my vacation time, have an undiagnosed mental condition and enjoy sitting on my behind in a car for 10 hours a day. Truth be told, taking a cross country road trip has been a desire of mine, though I hadn’t thought about it in years….so perhaps I should say taking a cross country road trip was a desire of the younger, more able bodied A. Nonetheless, an older, more distinguished (aka: gray haired) version of A woke up last Sunday morning with a hangover the size of Texas (I can verify that as I have actually seen the size of Texas with my own pretty green eyes), got in a car, and drove 3,000 miles to L.A. with the KFBS and all her worldly possessions.
It was hashed out that if we were to take a road trip it would be a true road trip: lots of stops, lots of junk food, lots of photos with the “world’s largest fill in the blank”, restaurants we’ve never heard of, and being sucked into every tourist trap imaginable.
The first stop on the trip after a painstaking (remember the size of texas here) 12 hours in the car was New Orleans. It was everything I imagined it to be….streets full of drunk people even though it was a Sunday night, the smell of vom and beer left over from mardi gras which had wrapped up the week prior, beads, and delicious tummy tearing up cajun food. I will without a doubt be making a trip back to take in a little more of the New Orleans life.