A's Yearbook

In an effort to help you get to know the wonderful individuals that are daily players in my life and in this blog, I thought I would introduce you to them ‘yearbook’ style.

Best Butt:
My BFF

I met My BFF during my (1st) senior year of college. My BFF and The Gray Lining had speech class together and as it turned out My BFF and I also had Nutrition together. Now, even though we did have a class together we had never seen each other there due to my unique ability to fall asleep in a tiny lecture hall seat while still holding my pencil up as if I were taking notes---a pair of sunglasses and I would have had some real Weekend at Bernies convincing shit there.

With most people it’s hard to define or nail down the moment when you became friends, harder to determine when you became best friends and probably harder still to put a moment on when you became family. With My BFF I know exactly when we became friends, or at least exactly when I knew we were meant to be friends. We went to go see a movie and in the preview someone said “Delaware”, out of nowhere My BFF quoted Wayne’s World “Delaware, we’re in Delaware”. Seems simple and almost idiotic but as The Grey Lining and I drove home that night we were both like…She’s perfectly weird, this friendship will certainly blossom. I can’t pin point when she became my best friend or when I stopped seeing her as a friend and just simply as family. Maybe there wasn’t a moment but a series of them; good times and shitty times that we somehow made it through and she became like luggage (you buy a set and you’re done, no one throws out luggage).

My BFF, though completely adorable and somehow managing to become cuter with age, alleges that she is in possession of a butt. No one has seen this mythical booty, and I think a call to Myth Busters may be in order. To be honest, I’m not sure how her pants actually stay up, for she is made of a back which turns into a seriously long set of sticks. However, I’ll hold off on the call to the myth buster guys and let her delusion live on, after all she is family. For the booty that you claim to have My BFF, I award you Best Butt. Congrats.

A's Yearbook

Most Likely to Succeed
Ten Key Ninja and Patty Cakes

Ten Key Ninja

I met Ten Key Ninja through Intern about a year ago. She is a regular visitor to FMB and consequently Intern’s personal travel agent. We hope she will one day be a full time resident of the sunshiny state but until then she will be ten-keying like a pro in the blistery north. She enjoys comedy shows, diy cosmetology, and travel.

Patty Cakes

Patty Cakes is the newest edition to my family after marrying The Gray Lining in September. He is the brother I always wanted and I couldn’t make a better match for The Gray Lining. If this little tid-bit from their pre-wedding dance lessons isn’t a metaphor for their marriage then I don’t know what is….The Gray Lining was continuously told to not lead and let Patty Cakes be ‘the man’.

Both Ten Key Ninja and Patty Cakes are accountants in the bright lights big city of Chicago. They dress up to go to work and ten key all day (at least that’s what I think). For that, Ten Key Ninja and Patty Cakes I award you “Most Likely to Succeed”. Congrats!

A's Yearbook

In an effort to help you get to know the wonderful individuals that are daily players in my life and in this blog, I thought I would introduce you to them ‘yearbook’ style.

This one is in honor of a special day coming up....Happy Birthday KFBS! I hope it is the most wonderful of days filled with lots of "J's"!

Most Likely to Fall up the Stairs:

Kissy Faced Booty Shaker

I met the Kissy Faced Booty Shaker (KFBS) in a very different way than most of my friends…oddly enough I have Craigslist to thank for her presence in my life. Pause what you’re thinking so I can tell you that I found her in the Community section under people looking to play on a softball team. She played softball for the University of Phoenix Online in college and has been a wonderful addition to “I’d Hit That”.

At first it seemed she was just going to be just another softball teammate but I guess we fed her and gave her beer or something and she never left. Funny how strays do that ;) All joking aside the KFBS fit so well into my life it’s as if she has always been around, a kind of comfortable familiarity existed very quickly.

@ the KFBS's Birthday Wig Party, note the idiot in the background with the giant blond afro...yeah, that's the author of this fine blog

If I had to describe The KFBS in one word it would be not be graceful. I would say on average she probably falls or at the very least stumbles 4.7 times a week. Let’s put it this way, she makes me look like a ballerina. Oddly enough the only time she seems to have a great deal of coordination is when she is kissy face booty dancing (hence the name). For your lack of grace and the hilarity it brings I award you Kissy Faced Booty Shaker, “Most Likely To Fall Up The Stairs”. Congrats!

JJ working on his kissy faced booty shaking, the Kissy Faced Booty Shaker does not approve.

A's Yearbook

I'm off to cold-lanta tomorrow to visit with My BFF, The Future Mrs. My BFF/Rogue-Hand, and The Gray Lining so I thought I would leave you with a post that is sure to provide days of entertainment until I return from the long MLK holiday weekend. Until Tuesday, happy MLK day and enjoy this post about one of my most favorite people in the world. P.S. My Momma is cooler than your Momma %-)


In an effort to help you get to know the wonderful individuals that are daily players in my life and in this blog, I thought I would introduce you to them ‘yearbook’ style.

Most Hours Slept in Class:
Momma

After retiring from life as an elementary school teacher she contemplated firefighting but decided that would interrupt her intense napping and cocktail schedule.

Momma, as her name suggests, is my mom. I am what I am, good and bad, largely thanks to her (complaints can be sent directly to Momma). She is a regular visitor to FMB and has recently informed me that she will be staying an additional 2 weeks each time she visits. Her last visit lasted one and a half months, so this trip will be two months. By my calculations (you may want to check with Ten Key Ninja or Patty-Cakes for accuracy on this) she will be living here full time in about 4 and half years. Hopefully full incontinence or insanity won’t be an issue for about 15 years.

Momma and The Kissy Faced Booty Shaker....Momma might actually be asleep here...its hard to tell.

You’ve already had a small intro to momma so I’ll keep this brief. This woman is sassy, classy, and still kickin' assy after 61 years. Momma is known not only for her wildly outrageous clothing and foul mouth but also for the ability to sleep walk, talk, drink and smoke. That’s correct, I said sleep smoke. For that, Momma I award you “Most Hours Slept in Class”. Congrats!

A's Yearbook

In an effort to help you get to know the wonderful individuals that are daily players in my life and in this blog, I thought I would introduce you to them ‘yearbook’ style.

Most Spirited:
The Gray Lining

I’ve quite literally known The Gray Lining my entire life; after all she is my baby sister. As odd as it is for siblings to be friends we have been the best of them for as long as I can remember. She and I share a bit more than the same crazy Momma, we both love tacky décor, theme parties, beers, kitties, and a well crafted party invitation.

I have no clue where to begin and end with The Gray Lining so I’ll just give you little taste of why I adore her so much. In college we lived together in the Knolls apartments next door to a lesbian couple. “The lesbians” (as we referred to them) had two adorable kitties. One day I was coming back from class and ran into the lesbians who had gotten another kitten. I came home and told The Gray Lining that they had gotten a kitten and they said to stop by to see it. Without a pause The Gray Lining said “Man those girls really love the pussy”.

The Gray Lining is one of the funniest people I have ever met, she continually amuses and astounds me with her wit. Some people can always find the silver lining in any situation; The Gray Lining can always find just that, the gray lining in any situation. Not quite the eternal optimist, but it’s all part of her charm and for that, the Gray Lining I award you “Most Spirited”. Congrats!

A's Yearbook

In an effort to help you get to know the wonderful individuals that are daily players in my life and in this blog, I thought I would introduce you to them ‘yearbook’ style.

Best Hair:

Intern

I had the great fortune of meeting Intern when she spent a summer in FMB as an intern at a large corporate pharmacy (I won't tell you the name of it as to not impede her likelihood of obtaining gainful employment but I will provide you with a puzzle that might help you figure it out: combine what gives your home some of its structural integrity and the color of A's sparkly eyes).

Initially I spoke to her on the phone before ever meeting her and to be truthful wasn't all that impressed and kinda thought she was a bi*ch. That phone call happened on memorial day weekend and sure enough by the end of those three days her and I bonded over sand covered McChickens and keg stands (which in my old age I can still hold longer than she can...that's why shes the Intern and I'm the Coach).

Fear and Loathing in FMB

That first summer turned into another summer internship and many many trips to FMB in between. I'm as pleased as punch that a blurry memorial day weekend turned into the fantastic friendship we have today. I'm truly blessed to have her in my life. She constantly amazes me with how deeply she cares about her friends and family. At times its difficult to have such a close friend when there is so much distance between you, but it never feels like she is all that far away. I adore the nights where we put each other on speakerphone so we can have a cocktail or ten together.

Intern's practically a doctor, which scares the bejesus out of me but honestly, when she's sober she's quite the smarty pants. Our summers in FMB included "porn Sundays", endless parties, beach days, big breakfasts, pool days, and bad decisions. One decision, which I'm calling the greatest drunken decision ever made, was an impromptu homemade haircut. For some reason, which I still can't figure out, she let me and Ten-Key Ninja loose with the clippers after I alone consumed a blender full of daiquiris during a long fourth of July day of celebrating. For that, Intern I award you "Best Hair". Congrats!

YES!

Almost stuck with the reverse mullet here....business in the back, party in the front....but decided to keep cutting ;)

A's Yearbook

In an effort to help you get to know the wonderful individuals that are daily players in my life and in this blog, I thought I would introduce you to them ‘yearbook’ style.

Class Clown

My BMF (Best Male Friend)

I met My BMF about two and a half years ago through SLBDJT. I was introduced to a married very calm version of My BMF, but he very quickly turned into a single erratic version of My BMF (personally I adore the latter of the two). My BMF moved to FMB and lived there for about a year before meeting and falling in love with Katrainwreck and they are currently expecting “Little A” next summer!

I will spare the readers the tales of My BMF’s single life and his army of skanks out of respect to the future Mrs. My BMF, but I will say that the year he lived on FMB provided me with a lifetime’s full of ridiculous and hilarious memories and a friend I will have until the day I kick it.

His ADD combined with a pure kid-like happiness for life’s simplest things make everyday an adventure, whether you’re having a hooters hotdog, making an ass out of yourself at a themed party or dumpster diving. If I were to ever have surgery I’m confident I could forego the anesthesia and just have him there to talk and distract me and I wouldn’t feel a bit of pain. For that, My BMF I award you “Class Clown”. Congrats.

A's Yearbook

In an effort to help you get to know the wonderful individuals that are daily players in my life and in this blog, I'm introducing them to you ‘yearbook’ style. Hope you enjoy!

Best Dressed:

No-Longer-Easy-E

I met No-Longer-Easy-E in grad school at IU and eventually moved down to FMB with her. In school No-Longer-Easy-E was always the first to be up for a party or a trip to the bar so naturally her and I made fast friends.

While the average 7 year old is a fan of the wet-willy, No-Longer-Easy-E prefers the dry-willy. She finds it to be less gross and ultimately a lot creepier. I do not think I attended a graduate-level course where No-Longer-Easy-E’s finger did not find its way into my ear canal at least once a week. As a side note: she is correct, it is less gross and absolutely creepier. I have had fleeting thoughts that my success in grad school may be directly attributed to my professors believing I had torettees syndrome (due to me violently shaking and jerking away from No-Longer-Easy-E every time she dry-willyed me) and feeling sorry for me.

Above: No-Longer-Easy-E caught in the act...

classic dual dry-willy

No-Longer-Easy-E and I have been roomies for three and half years, she has broken our hammock (ask her about it, it’s a great story!), been a wonderful step mom to Tux, and is no stranger to fashion. She is best known for owning several tiny vests and summer scarves. For that, No-Longer-Easy-E I award you “Best Dressed”. Congrats!

A's Yearbook...

In an effort to help you get to know the wonderful individuals that are daily players in my life and in this blog, I thought I would introduce you to them ‘yearbook’ style. Hope you enjoy!

Biggest Flirt:

Sweet Little Baby Doll JT (SLBDJT)

Let’s start from the beginning…. I met SLBDJT about three years ago through a friend’s gf. My first real memory of SLBDJT consists of him waking me up at an ungodly hour (aka. prior to noon on a Saturday after a Friday full of libation consumption), after me telling him very nicely that I did not wake up that early on a Saturday he continued to pester me until I agree to ride down to times square with him via scooter and bicycle (there was a parade occurring this weekend so the road was blocked). I was not a fan of him at this juncture but after recovering from a hangover I found him to be quite loveable. SLBDJT is adorable, has awesome hair, and a giggle that makes me smile every time I hear it.


SLBDJT is known for uncontrollable flirting after the consumption of shots of any kind. If his flirtation is turned in your direction you have only a few quick seconds to react and withdraw yourself from the situation before he begins to “rabbit” you. If you escape quickly enough his attention will be turned to the next female in closest proximity. You have been warned. For the rabbit, SLBDJT I award you “Biggest Flirt”. Congrats!