Thursday, December 29, 2011

New Year, New and....well, maybe just Improved A

The new year is right around the corner and with my track record for keeping up with New Years Resolutions...remember this back in 2010 . Epic fail. Seriously, who couldn't possibly accomplish "taking more naps"? Moi, that's who.

So this year, no resolution. I have however started trying to make some positive changes here in the end of 2011 that if I keep up great, if I don't, eh...I'll just hope good genetics look out for me as I age. One change, which I honestly can't believe has lasted damn near a month is no fast food during the week. Turns out, I haven't really even taken advantage of my weekend freedom and have only consumed one delicious Big Mac since Turkey Day. Are you ok? Perhaps I should have asked you to be sure you were sitting before providing such shocking news.

I have also tried to lay off red meat, and have been leaning on my good friend the turkey for a delicious substitute. That being said, yesterday I had to stop off at the Le Target Boutique to pick up a couple new lint (aka cat hair) rollers, so I just grabbed a wrap from their deli while I was there. I went with the turkey in a spinach wrap, had some cheese, lettuce, mayo and some diced tomatoes in there...or so I thought. Turns out, Le Target Bistro is a damn liar, because that wrap didn't have a single diced tomato in it. What it did have appeared to be roasted red peppers. Now, I'm a fan of the red pepper, but it's a food I like to be forewarned I will be consuming.

What followed was the worst heart burn I have ever experienced in my life. I was mid-way through teaching a CPR class when it hit. I honestly thought I might be having a heart attack. A number of thoughts passed through my mind...did I really do a good job teaching these people CPR, I'm not sure I was thorough enough maybe I should reiterate some things; is this what a heart attack feels like?; DAMN YOU LE TARGET BISTRO!!!!; this is maybe not my best set of students, if i make it one more hour without being rendered unconscious I have a chance; stop being a hypochondriac sissy, you can manage a little heartburn; I have a stethoscope in my car, can you take your own blood pressure?....seriously, this inner monologue went on for an hour until I was able to get my hands on some antacids, after which my "heart attack" was cured miraculously.

Anyway, moral of this story is...Big Macs are good for you....well maybe not, but at least you know the ingredients, aside from that delightful secret sauce.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Definitely just buying a ticket home next year

Skype is a wonderful invention if you enjoy not drinking by yourself on a Friday night. That is all it is good for.

So, this year I once again skyped with my family on Christmas morning (which to them is 1:40pm). Momma now has learned that she need not put her mouth directly on the microphone to speak to me, but she still has not grasped the concept of using your normal or "inside" voice. This shouldn't surprise me as her normal voice is louder than most, but she borders on yelling with the skype on. Once again I got taken on a walking tour of my childhood home, which I still don't understand as I spent the first 25 years of my life there and my sister once again gave my dad a gift with her face on it. One year it was stamps, this year it was M and M's. What can I say, it was Christmas as 'normal'....which is never quite normal.

I hope you and yours had as wonderful and merry Christmas as I did.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Is this place pager friendly? Cause I'm not getting a sig on my beeper

I was grabbing a ddp at a gas station last night after work still in uniform and the guy behind me said "How do you wear a pager?". I said while demonstrating, "It's really easy, you just clip it on your belt like this." He said, "No, no. I mean who still wears a pager in this day and age? Drug dealers don't even have them anymore." I said, "Well, I just drove my DeLorean here from the past."

What can I say, if I had a choice Mr. Gas Station Man I wouldn't be rocking a pager....but I do find some comfort in knowing the 13 year old version of me would have thought the 30 year old me was all that and a bag of chips.

Friday, December 2, 2011


My BMF and I were at dinner the other night and we were talking about families on television who were excited to spend the holidays together. I suggested they didn't exist in real life, complete with a reference to a conversation with Momma about her preparing to head off to the big family thanksgiving get-together and how I swear I heard a gun cock in the background. Now in reality that sound was more likely that of a beverage being cracked open, which brings me to the topic at hand. Tis the season....for cocktails.

Cookies and milk get left for Santa, White Russians for Momma. Getting liquored up goes hand in hand with the holidays, because if you can't get that warm fuzzy feeling from spending time with your loved ones, maybe a bit of nog with a splash or ten of rum can do it. Rum...I love rum. You know what I don't I hate vodka. When I drink it, I wake up and literally fell as if my skin is too small for my body. You know that scene in Men in Black where the alien is wearing the Edgar suit, yeah...its like that.

I feel like vodka is what they pour in people's eyes to make them talk. Yet, every shot that tastes good has vodka in it. Explain that to me? The only possible answer is, life isn't fair- A sentiment I heard from my parents on numerous childhood occasions. Vodka is unlike other alcohols. Take jager for example, it tastes like black liquorice. Did you ever notice what's left in the bottom of a jar of jelly beans? The black liquorice ones...cause they taste like shit. So, when you take a shot of jager your body knows it has ingested poison, because your taste buds tell your brain that you have just drank something that tastes like ass. Vodka is evil in that way, it tastes of nothing, thus takes on the characteristics of what it is mixed with. And shot ingredients taste like candy....thus vodka tastes like candy...and all the sudden I wake up feeling like I'm wearing a dry clean only A suit that had been inadvertently tossed into a dryer filled with rocks.

Happy Holidays, be sure to mind your P's and Q's

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Gobble Gobble

It's the time of the year that I give thanks for all the wonderful things in my life, so in no particular order here are a few.

First off, I am so very thankful for my family. They are truly one of a kind. My baby sis, who you know as the Gray Lining, never fails to astound me with random phone calls revealing her next huge money making idea. I'm come to respond with nothing more than "I don't really see any way that could fail" no matter the complexity, insanity, or improbability of success that surrounds it. If any one of these ideas comes to fruition, I'll be right behind her. Though sometimes standing behind her means I might have to move to Indiana and become a Head Cheese Developer. Upside: how awesome would that business card be. Downside: It's Indiana, but that story is for another day.

Turkey, oh how I love thee. Plus it wouldn't be a true I'm thankful list unless I mentioned food. For the first time this year I believe that I will wake up Thanksgiving morning and my turkey will actually be fully thawed. Not one Thanksgiving has passed that I have not spent the better part of Thanksgiving morning trying to pry the neck from its icy grave. In the past I have almost resorted to tossing the turkey in the dryer on a nice little permanent press cycle to defrost it, yet have resisted. However, this year, no more insane "I wish I possessed a much larger microwave thoughts", because I'm feeling completely prepared.

I am thankful for friends that have become my family. I'm blessed in this way, being so far from my family family. Throughout this past year I have needed to lean very hard, and they have truly been there to keep me from tumbling over.

I am also thankful for raspberries when nothing else seems sweet, and kitties who fill my house with both fur and love. I'm truly blessed. Happy Turkey Day :)

Friday, November 18, 2011

Until then, anyone want a guest spot?

I am full of ennui, hence the lack of posts. I can promise you this, I'll try my best to get excrement faced or something this weekend so I'll have something stupid to write about in the coming days.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Boo! It's scary how awesome Halloween is.

I don't know why it surprises people when I say Halloween is my favorite holiday...cause it's bad ace. It only makes me believe they really haven't thought through how just incredibly bad ace Halloween is. So per usual, I'm here to help ya out.

My reasons for loving it so are 8 fold...

1. Candy. It's free, as in people just give it to you.
2. No familial obligations. No dinners, or religious ceremonies for that matter, for your parents to insist on you attending.
3. Dressing like an idiot. It's a giant theme party. Love.
4. Prize money. No other holiday affords the opportunity to win cash prizes. Except for Easter when my Gee-Ga used to put some change in the hidden plastic eggs.
5. Getting ham-a-lam-a-ding-donged with your friends. Encouraged. That's not coffee in the picture's my 3rd shot of the night.

6. Eye-Candy. Granted there is also some eye-broccoli out there, but people typically utilize this holiday to wear as little clothing as possible.
7. Pumpkin everything. Carving, Lattes, Icecreams, pies, cookies, muffins, candies, cakes. He loves pumpkin so much he's making out with this one.

8. Animals in costumes. Redic cute.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Peanut Butter Jelly Time

Confession. I've never eaten Nutella.

Chocolate-Hazelnut, seems like a dream team of peanut butter-jelly proportions but something about the name puts a hitch in my gitty-up. I can't move past it, which is a shame cause it sounds like candy you spread on bread.

Speaking of ill-named spreads I've never eaten, lets talk vegemite. Does anyone actually eat that shit? I'm 90% sure the only way vegemite stays on the market is by an endless domino effect of people saying "This is so disgusting, you have to try it. No, seriously spread some of this semi-edible dark brown shit paste on this piece of bread and I bet you can't help but puke."

Consequently, the domino effect word of mouth marketing campaign is so ingenious I will probably try vegemite long before I ever crack open a jar of nutella.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011


Once during college a number of students began protesting (insert random cause here), which entailed them taking their round the clock stand by camping out in front of the student union. It wasn't long before the protesters started looking more like the homeless than students. Not because the students went unbathed for their cause but because the homeless recognized an opportunity and capitalized on it. Twas brilliant. Turns out, it is not cool to sleep outdoors say on a sidewalk or bench if you're simply homeless. You may catch a couple hours of shut-eye but it won't be long before you're nudged by one of the boys in blue and told to keep moving, but if you're protesting something, you can set up tents and bbq grills, and stay for months.

Pretty sure that's what's going on with Occupy Wall Street.

I like to live my life in general by this rule

Thursday, October 13, 2011

The Bucket List

I don't have a bucket list, mainly because I despise being on a bandwagon. Like bands, hate wagons. Not really, I neutral on the wagon front.

Regardless, a number of my friends do subscribe to lists of the bucket variety to guide them in different endeavors and adventures in life. This blog is about 1 friend and #47 (totally made up that number for effect) on her list. More than that, this blog is about living your dreams, this blog my friends is about tamales.

Grossed out? Yeah, you'll have that.

According to the TenKeyNinja she knocked off numero 47 wed night when her softball team went undefeated. In celebration her team sponsor bought them a bag of chicken tamales from the blue cooler tamale guy.

Perhaps I should give you a little background. Apparently in the windy city of Chicago there are a number of entrepreneurs, who frequent bars around the hours that people will be drunk enough to eat just about anything, selling tamales out of coolers. They are pretty well-known and typically referred to by the color of their cooler e.g. blue cooler tamale guy, or red cooler tamale guy. The joke has been tossed around that the tamales are prepared by these gentlemen's mass their bathtubs. Little too close to the truth me thinks, funny nonetheless. Alrighty, back to scratching 4-7 of the list.

Apparently the TenKeyNinja ate two tamales, found them delicious for something made in a bathtub and as of 1:35pm Eastern Standard time on Thursday has not gotten violently ill. Winning! Seems like the Ten Key Ninja is sold, "Conclusion: Blue cooler tamale guy is legit. As for red cooler tamale guy, we will have to see. But, last night I learned blue and red cooler tamale guy are cousins, so it's quite possible their supply comes from the same bathtub."

Congrats on #47 TenKeyNinja, oh also on #16 (additionally fabricated). Apparently she gets to mark two things off the old Bucket List this week as on Sunday she "Ran in a Marathon". Don't get it twisted, note the word is key.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

DIY Chalkboard Globe

Apparently October is the official birthday month of my friend/family circle. Though I'm not typically one to exaggerate, I may be a little guilty here. Alas 5 birthdays and 1 anniversary, certainly seems like a lot to take on in one single month. Don't worry, I'll power through. The first of the 5 has come and gone and because mom always said homemade gifts were best I started this project early hoping to have it done early...ah the best laid plans. Turns out starting this project two weeks out was a great idea, but lets start from the jump.

I saw the idea for a chalkboard globe on Pinterest, shocking I know, and figured I could easily tackle this project and come out with a quality item for well under the several hundred dollar price tag I found online. Turns out I was wrong. Lets break down the budget....
Chalkboard paint: $2.19 (already owned from previous project) = $0
White paint: @ $2.00 (already owned from previous project) = $0
Globe: $5.00 (purchased by momma at a thrift store, thus free to me) =$0
Oil Rubbed Bronze spray paint: $7.88 (already owned from previous project) = $0
Time: $400.00 (estimated 10 hours at $40 per hour, my time is very valuable) = $400.00
Total cost of the project = $400.00

Lets get to the how to's....
First I painted a line around all the continents as well as any islands that I deemed big enough to count (turns out I did not think Hawaii was big enough to count and thus does not exist in chalkboard globe world...oops!). I didn't worry too much about perfection here, I just wanted to have a line to generally go by after I covered the globe in chalkboard paint.

Next I put down three coats of chalkboard paint, I tended to paint closely, and at times over the white line. The really fantastic camera phone photo below is after the 2nd coat.

Next I retraced the continents with white paint. Obviously the most tedious part of the project. About halfway through this portion I developed claw like qualities to my hand. It was in a word, unpleasant.

Final step was to paint the base and the axis. For this I went with Rustoleum Oil Rubbed Bronze Spray Paint, mainly because I love it and while the standard goldish axis color does give it an older/antiquey feel I thought the ORB gave it a monochromatic and cleaner look....and ultimately looked more like something which would be valued at $400 (winky face emoticon).

Guess there is nothing left to say but....tada!

Monday, October 3, 2011

What does my car say about me?

I was out at a friends house Saturday night for a small get-together. Out of the nine people there I knew one, and from what I could gather most of the people in attendance were in just about the same situation, having been invited by a friend who knew the hostess. Basically, we could have utilized some name tags. About a half hour after the last of the guests arrived, they posed a question. "Who drives the Element?" I volunteer myself up, and the asking couple proceeded to congratulate each other, providing figurative pats on the back coupled with a few "we were right's" and "we called its".

Honestly, I didn't really know what to make of this. I sat there for a few seconds wondering if I should be insulted or happy for being recognized as a consumer who takes safety ratings into consideration when purchasing a car, all the while second guessing my outfit choice. I was perplexed, so I asked "What kind of person drives an Element that you picked me out of the crowd?" Without waiting for an answer I rattled off several possibilities, a habit I have long had, and definitely need to work on. "Do I look like a person who likes to be able to put their bike in their car? Is it because I look outdoorsy? Its my flip flops isn't it?" I was just short of asking if it had anything to do with the fact that I often forgo store bought antiperspirant for the natural antiperspirant found in lime juice. Lucky I quickly remembered I had just met these people and they had no idea I was a bit granola.

I never got an answer, which I'm confident directly correlated to my inability to shut my mouth and just listen for an answer to my original question, and the remaining seven people laughing at what I thought might make me look like an Element driver. It kind of made me wonder if I would have ever been picked out as Gene's owner (the 2003 pink Geo Prism)....God I hope not. Don't get me wrong, I loved that car but what would the owner of Gene look like- I would ascertain they would look, first and foremost, poor. I bet you're wondering what your car says about you.

Just a final thought, but maybe it was the outfit. I was wearing a pair of chinos with hemp flip flops and a shirt with the state of Indiana outlined on it which read "home grown". On the way out I checked out the other cars, one of which was a brand new mustang with racing stripes and I thought to myself, I'm not sure why but I'm happy they thought I was Bruce's owner.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Thursday, September 8, 2011

DIY Wrapping Paper

Have I mentioned my love affair with pintrest recently? After transfering photos to canvas in this little project where I lost my epidermis and what I'm sure was 3/4 of my dermis I thought I'd try something a little easier and it just so happened I had Patty Cakes and The Grey Lining's birthdays coming up.

Ta-Da! Crossword puzzle wrapping paper!

Did that deserve a ta-da? I'm beginning to think I should reserve those for things more exciting than paper but I'm going to go with it for now. Here's what I came up with, an 81/2 by 11 sheet which covers both birthdays and Christmas depending on which you chose to circle. To save you the time and monotony of making your own there is a link to the file below. After all...sharing is caring.

Click here for the full 8.5x11 google doc of this.

A few other words were intentionally put in there just for poops and gigs but after getting her present The Grey Lining pointed out an very hilarious yet unintentional one...can you find "poop out it"?

Happy gifting :)