Thursday, December 29, 2011

New Year, New and....well, maybe just Improved A

The new year is right around the corner and with my track record for keeping up with New Years Resolutions...remember this back in 2010 . Epic fail. Seriously, who couldn't possibly accomplish "taking more naps"? Moi, that's who.

So this year, no resolution. I have however started trying to make some positive changes here in the end of 2011 that if I keep up great, if I don't, eh...I'll just hope good genetics look out for me as I age. One change, which I honestly can't believe has lasted damn near a month is no fast food during the week. Turns out, I haven't really even taken advantage of my weekend freedom and have only consumed one delicious Big Mac since Turkey Day. Are you ok? Perhaps I should have asked you to be sure you were sitting before providing such shocking news.

I have also tried to lay off red meat, and have been leaning on my good friend the turkey for a delicious substitute. That being said, yesterday I had to stop off at the Le Target Boutique to pick up a couple new lint (aka cat hair) rollers, so I just grabbed a wrap from their deli while I was there. I went with the turkey in a spinach wrap, had some cheese, lettuce, mayo and some diced tomatoes in there...or so I thought. Turns out, Le Target Bistro is a damn liar, because that wrap didn't have a single diced tomato in it. What it did have appeared to be roasted red peppers. Now, I'm a fan of the red pepper, but it's a food I like to be forewarned I will be consuming.

What followed was the worst heart burn I have ever experienced in my life. I was mid-way through teaching a CPR class when it hit. I honestly thought I might be having a heart attack. A number of thoughts passed through my mind...did I really do a good job teaching these people CPR, I'm not sure I was thorough enough maybe I should reiterate some things; is this what a heart attack feels like?; DAMN YOU LE TARGET BISTRO!!!!; this is maybe not my best set of students, if i make it one more hour without being rendered unconscious I have a chance; stop being a hypochondriac sissy, you can manage a little heartburn; I have a stethoscope in my car, can you take your own blood pressure?....seriously, this inner monologue went on for an hour until I was able to get my hands on some antacids, after which my "heart attack" was cured miraculously.

Anyway, moral of this story is...Big Macs are good for you....well maybe not, but at least you know the ingredients, aside from that delightful secret sauce.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Definitely just buying a ticket home next year

Skype is a wonderful invention if you enjoy not drinking by yourself on a Friday night. That is all it is good for.

So, this year I once again skyped with my family on Christmas morning (which to them is 1:40pm). Momma now has learned that she need not put her mouth directly on the microphone to speak to me, but she still has not grasped the concept of using your normal or "inside" voice. This shouldn't surprise me as her normal voice is louder than most, but she borders on yelling with the skype on. Once again I got taken on a walking tour of my childhood home, which I still don't understand as I spent the first 25 years of my life there and my sister once again gave my dad a gift with her face on it. One year it was stamps, this year it was M and M's. What can I say, it was Christmas as 'normal'....which is never quite normal.

I hope you and yours had as wonderful and merry Christmas as I did.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Is this place pager friendly? Cause I'm not getting a sig on my beeper

I was grabbing a ddp at a gas station last night after work still in uniform and the guy behind me said "How do you wear a pager?". I said while demonstrating, "It's really easy, you just clip it on your belt like this." He said, "No, no. I mean who still wears a pager in this day and age? Drug dealers don't even have them anymore." I said, "Well, I just drove my DeLorean here from the past."

What can I say, if I had a choice Mr. Gas Station Man I wouldn't be rocking a pager....but I do find some comfort in knowing the 13 year old version of me would have thought the 30 year old me was all that and a bag of chips.

Friday, December 2, 2011


My BMF and I were at dinner the other night and we were talking about families on television who were excited to spend the holidays together. I suggested they didn't exist in real life, complete with a reference to a conversation with Momma about her preparing to head off to the big family thanksgiving get-together and how I swear I heard a gun cock in the background. Now in reality that sound was more likely that of a beverage being cracked open, which brings me to the topic at hand. Tis the season....for cocktails.

Cookies and milk get left for Santa, White Russians for Momma. Getting liquored up goes hand in hand with the holidays, because if you can't get that warm fuzzy feeling from spending time with your loved ones, maybe a bit of nog with a splash or ten of rum can do it. Rum...I love rum. You know what I don't I hate vodka. When I drink it, I wake up and literally fell as if my skin is too small for my body. You know that scene in Men in Black where the alien is wearing the Edgar suit, yeah...its like that.

I feel like vodka is what they pour in people's eyes to make them talk. Yet, every shot that tastes good has vodka in it. Explain that to me? The only possible answer is, life isn't fair- A sentiment I heard from my parents on numerous childhood occasions. Vodka is unlike other alcohols. Take jager for example, it tastes like black liquorice. Did you ever notice what's left in the bottom of a jar of jelly beans? The black liquorice ones...cause they taste like shit. So, when you take a shot of jager your body knows it has ingested poison, because your taste buds tell your brain that you have just drank something that tastes like ass. Vodka is evil in that way, it tastes of nothing, thus takes on the characteristics of what it is mixed with. And shot ingredients taste like candy....thus vodka tastes like candy...and all the sudden I wake up feeling like I'm wearing a dry clean only A suit that had been inadvertently tossed into a dryer filled with rocks.

Happy Holidays, be sure to mind your P's and Q's