Thursday, December 31, 2009

A Resolution Worth Making

As we begin a new year many of us set out to make changes in our lives, or a “New Years Resolution”. Many resolutions deal with stopping a bad habit, or deal with improving one’s health in some way, perhaps by way of diet and/or exercise. Throughout the years I’ve made many a resolution, but it always seems that life gets in the way or at least I accept that as a viable excuse for not competing what I set out to do. This year, I’m making a commitment to do the impossible, hell I may even go beyond that to the place where the possible and the impossible meet, to the possimpible. This year I WILL make my resolution last more than 2 weeks.

Now I haven’t done any actual research on this but I’m practically a doctor so we’ll call this an educated guess. With roughly 6,692,030,277 people in the world (obviously this changes by the minute), about 50% make a New Year’s resolution. So basically, when the ball drops a total of 3,346,015,138 resolve to make a change. Well, perhaps not exactly when the ball drops, 3,346,015,138 people probably make out with a stranger when the ball drops but sometime the next day when they wake up from an alcohol induced haze they resolve to make a change. I’m basing the 50% on a number of confounding variables, for example: those kids on tv with the flies all over their faces probably have more to be concerned about than stopping biting their nails. Out of that number I would say roughly .00001% actually stick to their New Year’s resolution (somehow I feel like I’m being generous here), a total of 33,460. So essentially what I am saying is that in 2010 I will be one of the 33,460 people worldwide to actually stick to their New Year’s Resolution.

In closing I would like to wish each of you luck in joining me as a part of that elite 33,460, and showing the world, or at least 50% of it, that nothing and everything is possimpible. Challenge yourself this year. Wishing you and yours the Happiest of New Years!

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you what my New Year’s Resolution was….In 2010 I WILL take more naps.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

This is why I live in Florida..

Now that the Christmas holiday, all the bustle, and visitors have been and gone I just wanted to provide a brief synopsis and let you know how I made out with my “All I want for Christmas” list.

Christmas Eve is one of my favorite nights of the year, right behind any night that includes a theme party and my birthday of course. I guess this is because it has always been the night when my family got together to celebrate Christmas (Christmas morning was usually reserved for sleeping in and as we got older for nursing a hangover). I remember my huge catholic family all coming to our house for Christmas Eve and how it was one of the few times a year that my dad would uncover the pool table in our family room (never understood that but it made that night all the more special). As I got older I remember being the ‘bartender’ mixing up Tom Collins cocktails for my Momma and my aunts (and usually an extra one for me and The Gray Lining to sneak off and drink somewhere). I complain quite a bit about the cold weather that I grew up in but there is a certain amount of convenience and country charm to being able to leave all your beers and pops out on the porch to stay cold for drinkin’ (damn right I said drinkin’ and damn right I said pop, I'm talkin' about the country after all!).

While I grew up loving Christmas Eve in the blistery north, there is in fact a reason I moved here….year round summer. Ok, perhaps it’s not summer year round, those who don’t live here might tell you there is no season change, but when I woke up this morning I did the same sprint to the shower to get under the warmth of the hot water just like I did on cold northern mornings. My Christmas Eve in the past couple years has been a true Florida one, it has been spent around a beach bonfire, enjoying great food, and great friends, plus…I don’t have to sneak my Tom Collins or any other cocktails anymore, which is ver nice.

Christmas day was spent traditionally, opening presents and as it turns out those I hold dear did a pretty good job with my Christmas list.

All I want for Christmas is...

  • my cat to start covering up her dookies in the litter box

  • my arms/hands to be injured and after they heal to suddenly be an amazing guitar player...rookie of the year style. That would be absolutely funky butt lovin (that's for you Ten-Key Ninja)

  • an IU slanket - CHECK!

  • a personal chef

  • a Flowbee (for the Wayne's world fans a Suck Kut)

  • to win the lottery, i'd settle for a scratch off winner

  • black bamboo sheets, queen size SEMI-CHECK

  • extreme lipo dissolve

  • snuggle coupons - CHECK

  • No-Longer-Easy E's balls in my mouth (cake balls you dirty minded people) - CHECK

  • a Roomba

  • an IU football jersey - CHECK

  • a winning softball season for "I'd Hit That"

  • the deed to a beach house

  • a Buckingham Blues Bar t-shirt

  • for my best to acquire Michael Buble's best swimmers

  • cards from my favorites far away from where I am - CHECK

  • board games, board games, and maybe a couple more board games - CHECK

  • a pair of Heelys, and a gift certificate for my ER deductible following their first use

  • a merry day for those I love most and a merry day for me surrounded by those I adore - CHECK

For those items I didn’t come away with, there’s always my birthday! Merry Christmas to all, and to all peace out!

A's Yearbook

In an effort to help you get to know the wonderful individuals that are daily players in my life and in this blog, I thought I would introduce you to them ‘yearbook’ style.

Most Spirited:
The Gray Lining

I’ve quite literally known The Gray Lining my entire life; after all she is my baby sister. As odd as it is for siblings to be friends we have been the best of them for as long as I can remember. She and I share a bit more than the same crazy Momma, we both love tacky d├ęcor, theme parties, beers, kitties, and a well crafted party invitation.

I have no clue where to begin and end with The Gray Lining so I’ll just give you little taste of why I adore her so much. In college we lived together in the Knolls apartments next door to a lesbian couple. “The lesbians” (as we referred to them) had two adorable kitties. One day I was coming back from class and ran into the lesbians who had gotten another kitten. I came home and told The Gray Lining that they had gotten a kitten and they said to stop by to see it. Without a pause The Gray Lining said “Man those girls really love the pussy”.

The Gray Lining is one of the funniest people I have ever met, she continually amuses and astounds me with her wit. Some people can always find the silver lining in any situation; The Gray Lining can always find just that, the gray lining in any situation. Not quite the eternal optimist, but it’s all part of her charm and for that, the Gray Lining I award you “Most Spirited”. Congrats!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

All I want for Christmas is...

  • my cat to start covering up her dookies in the litter box
  • my arms/hands to be injured and after they heal to suddenly be an amazing guitar player...rookie of the year style. That would be absolutely funky butt lovin (that's for you Ten-Key Ninja)
  • an IU slanket
  • a personal chef
  • a Flowbee (for the Wayne's world fans a Suck Kut)
  • to win the lottery, i'd settle for a scratch off winner
  • black bamboo sheets, queen size
  • extreme lipo dissolve
  • snuggle coupons
  • No-Longer-Easy E's balls in my mouth (cake balls you dirty minded people)
  • a Roomba
  • an IU football jersey
  • a winning softball season for "I'd Hit That"
  • the deed to a beach house
  • a Buckingham Blues Bar t-shirt
  • for my best to acquire Michael Buble's best swimmers
  • cards from my favorites far away from where I am
  • board games, board games, and maybe a couple more board games
  • a pair of Heelys, and a gift certificate for my ER deductible following their first use
  • a merry day for those I love most and a merry day for me surrounded by those I adore

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good stiff cocktail come family time ;) Merry Christmas Eve Eve and Happy Holidays!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Guess who's back in the momma f'in mix

There are few things in my life that I adore as much as my family and friends, but one thing that comes close is my adoration for a finely crafted party invitation. I know most times it would be perfectly acceptable to send out an email or facebook evite to a party but something inside me beckons me to take it a step or two further. In regards to our New Years Eve party I think I may have taken it 26.2 miles worth of steps further.

This year we're geared up to have a 'throwback' party where guests may dress in attire from the past, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s....hell if they can come up with something from the 20s I say kudos to you sir or mam. The invite was done and redone and finally this is what I came up with. Inspired by a combination of Kris Kross (because they make me jump jump) and Salt-N-Pepa (pu-push it real good).

So, if you're around.... Get up on this! at our house to ring in the new year :)
To sweeten the pot, party favors will likely include DJ A's "Get up on this" Throwback Mix CDs.

Consequently I am wondering how much damage aside from the scar on my forehead (or fivehead) was done when I fell out of my dysfunctional high chair as a child.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Big ol dinosaur brains

Had a discussion regarding intelligence the other day with No-Longer-Easy-E and My BFF, which led to a phone call to Momma to find out my IQ test score from 5th grade. Turns out I've really taken a dookie on my potential.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Take 30 Boozey Bears and call me in the morning

Caught under the mistletoe!

This weekend started off unlike any other, meaning that it did not start with a cocktail in the shower. My Friday was consumed by helping the Kissy Faced Booty Shaker pack for her move which turned out to be not all that bad considering I did acquire 2 pieces of furniture (which I did not have to pick out of someone’s trash, score!), and making “drunk gummies”. “Drunk Gummies” or “Boozey Bears” as I like to call them are basically vodka soaked gummy bears. The recipe goes that you take a jar of gummy bears, fill it with vodka just below the top of the gummy bears and leave them overnight to sit and soak up the goodness. I was told this is an alternative to the jello shot and perfect for your lazy party thrower. Being that I am in fact a lazy party thrower I forewent the jello shots and made up a batch of “Boozey Bears” for our Ugly Christmas Sweater and Pajama Party Saturday night. After that it was a night cap or two and off to sleepy town I went.

Saturday morning I was up and at 'em to pick up My BFF from the airport for her weekend escape from cold Hotlanta weather. We spent most of the day being lazy, opening Christmas presents….molly did come away with a sweet IU slanket...

and of course preparing for the Ugly Christmas Sweater and Pajama Party. Friends came, drinks were had, games were played and a lot of Boozey Bears were consumed.


That's Holiday Spirit

My BFF, I adore her

No-Longer-Easy-E and The Future Mrs. My BMF

One thing was learned about Boozey Bears, they stick together and you’re going to eat 10 if you try to pick up just one, so unless you like blacking out I might stick with jello shots. But if you do like blacking out, give Boozey Bears a try, they were everything that I was promised before making them. That being said, if I ever make Boozey Bears again it might be a good idea if I wrote a know, just in case

Boozey Bears!

I'm very busy and important

First off my apologies for slacking here in blog word, but in true A fashion I have prepared a list of excuses to buy me time until I can actually get a post up.

  1. I was drinking.
  2. My BFF was in town.
  3. Someone re-arranged all the keys on my keyboard.
  4. I’ve been in Christmas shopping mode.
  5. I was out of milk.
  6. I tried to ship myself home for Christmas and I got lost in the mail.
  7. I was drunk.
  8. I was in nevernever land.
  9. I was tanning my translucent skin.
  10. Facebook consumes my life.
  11. I was hungover.
  12. Laundry.
  13. I was shopping for an ugly Christmas vest.
  14. I was doing a photoshoot with my cat.
  15. I was moving furniture.
  16. I was learning sign language. By the way, the sign for “honk honk” is not outstretched hands motioning as if you’re grabbing boobs.
  17. I was doing volunteer work.
  18. I was watching old episodes of Glee.
  19. I was playing shuffleboard.
  20. I was spinning my head right round, right round…like a record baby.

Friday, December 11, 2009

It adorns my tree

Yesterday I attended a work related holiday luncheon. Once a year all of my counterparts in the area get together to share what works, what doesn’t work, and to have a few ears, who actually can truly understand, listen to what ails ya work-wise. The holiday luncheon obviously includes lunch and a naughty elf ornament exchange. Essentially everyone brings a wrapped ornament and each person draws a number. Your number indicates in what order you get to pick your ornament. #1 has to start with a wrapped ornament but #2, 3, 4 and so forth can either pick a wrapped ornament or steal one from another person that you like. Last year I drew #1. In the end I left with the “worst ornament”, or so I claimed it to be. This turned into a big joke between the person who brought that ornament and me. This year I got #7, out of 8, so I was pumped that I might leave with one of the best ornaments!

It got to my turn and I stole an ornament from another girl, this particular ornament had already been stolen several times and what the pick of the litter…it said “1 day of coal, 364 days of naughty. I pick the naughty”, perfect for me right? I thought I was solid as the person who had #8 is more of a fan of cutesy ornaments than funny ones. Well, I could not have been more wrong, she stole that funny ornament right out from under me. (Did I mention the person who drew #8 is the person who brought the craptastic ornament that I ended up with last year?) I was left with the only remaining wrapped ornament, as I opened it laughter erupted, I am not the proud owner of an 8” glittery Christmas ball.

As it turns out the whole thing was rigged and I was intended to end up with this monstrosity as #8 was going to steal anything I had and leave me with the Christmas ball. All in all, my smile muscles got a huge workout and it was decided that next year we will have only one rule…only bring tacky Christmas ornaments, and then nobody and everybody is a winner. Nice!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

For Truth, For Justice, For 15 Bucks a Day

Today I performed one of the most important civic duties of a citizen, I was a juror. In short I was called to protect the rights and liberties of the litigants in in my county's court. The 20 minute video I was made to watch indicated that I was important and I am what makes this country great. It said a bunch more things but I got a little bored about half way through it.

After all the warm and fuzzies from the video, I performed my civic duty by sitting in a chair watching a movie on my i-touch for about an hour. Interrupting my movie was the first call for jurors for a case. As I sat there repeating my number over and over in my head and crossing my fingers until they turned white, I escaped the first group of 40 or so who were called. I took this movie break to have a look around at my fellow jurors. Apparently a number of people took the recommended attire of "business casual" to mean a camouflage button up paired with semi clean jeans. I then turned my movie back on and settled in for about another hour. At this point the formerly comfy chair could have really used a foot stool accompanying it. Round two came and went without my number being rung and as I thought, "I just might make it out of here", I looked around the room and noticed the number of remaining jurors was looking about at thin as My BMF's hair.

About an hour later another group of 12 or so was due to be called. I crossed my fingers just as tightly as possible and then, I heard it---2nd number called. Instead of the responding with "here" as instructed by the staff I provided a "F*CK, oh, I mean here", to which the gentleman behind me said "My sentiments exactly". I made my way up to the court room with my fellow jurors, stepped inside and took a seat on the benches. Surprisingly, this is the first time I've ever been inside a court room (I know, please take a moment to finish gasping). The judge provided us with more verbal pats on the back and thanked us for being there. She introduced the prosecutor, the defense, and the bailiffs, talked some more "bull spit, bull spit, bull spit", and then said the case that we had been waiting for all day was resolved and we were free at last, free at last.

After today I have some thoughts, and I'd love to provide you with a few....

1. There is nothing 'random' about the selection of jurors. I have been called twice since living in this state. I know at least 15 people who have lived here as long or longer than me and have never been called. I honestly believe they call people and if they show up, they get put on a list of responsible citizens who will actually show up for jury duty. There is no doubt in my mind that I will receive another summons in 366 days.

2. With the high level of unemployment (I believe my county is second in the nation) why don't they just excuse all those people with jobs, who are already contributing. I'm sure there are a hell of a lot of people who would wet themselves for the 15 dollars a day you get paid for jury duty.

3. No matter how old I get I will still get nervous in the presence of authority. I took one step in the court room and was nervous as hell, and I was supposed to be one of the people in the box seats bringing down the judgement on the criminals, not in a lick of trouble, and I found myself feeling nauseous and tearing a bit in my left eye (I know that is a weird reaction to nerves, but well, I'm a little bit weird).

In summation, jury duty is an experience and if you happen to have not been called yet, I will happily take your dl number and provide it to the clerk of court as a viable replacement for me next time around.

Monday, December 7, 2009

I’m a Gleek, what of it

This wed is the fall finale of Glee. I cannot begin to tell you how much this hurts my heart. Have you seen the show?!?

Truth be told in high school I would have probably been one of the kids who threw slushies in the faces of the glee club members but today, being a person with a much softer heart, and some maturity I am absolutely in love. This show is hilarious, has a plot line that pulls you in and makes you actually invested in the characters and it includes broadway music sung by actual broadway actors! Deep down I know I am half gay man and half 6 year old (the gay man in me is responsible for my deep felt appreciation of musicals, particular nature, and perfectly sculpted hair; the 6 year old picks out my clothes, is responsible for my inability to not laugh when someone says duty, and eating habits).

Alright, if you haven’t seen the show check out this promo --- And if you have seen it this is an amazing song from an absolutely amazing show (Wicked) I finally got to see this past year.

This post would not be complete unless I mention the actor who plays the teacher/glee club leader, Will Schuester. I think it was said best in the movie Knocked Up --

Allison- "I love your curly hair! It's great, do you use product or anything?"
Ben- "No...I use, uh, jew it's called"

The only thing I can attribute to my love for Will Shuester is his hair as I happen to know that the women in my family take a particular liking to anyone who uses that particular brand of product...we love us some jewish-fro's.

I don’t know what else to say…Glee I will miss you until we meet again in the spring. Until then I will rock out to your soundtrack in my car…I may be no Rachel Berry but I would still deserve a gold star next to my name after singing Don’t Stop Believing.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Charts are Fun!

In honor of the HIMYM Charts episode where Marshall made a pie chart of his favorite bars and a bar graph of his favorite pies I thought I would give you my own version....

Another brilliant idea brought to you by rum.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

I like to do drawrings

So this morning at about 4am I woke up and my neck was killing me. It took me all of about 2 seconds to realize it hurt like hell because my head was hanging off the edge of the bed. But it actually took about 30 seconds to realize I was sleeping like this...bear hugging the shit out of my pillow.

And no, I wasn't drinking last night. Weird, right?

That's what she said

Jeopardy had "That's what she said" as a category last night.


Tuesday, December 1, 2009

A's Yearbook

In an effort to help you get to know the wonderful individuals that are daily players in my life and in this blog, I thought I would introduce you to them ‘yearbook’ style.

Best Hair:

I had the great fortune of meeting Intern when she spent a summer in FMB as an intern at a large corporate pharmacy (I won't tell you the name of it as to not impede her likelihood of obtaining gainful employment but I will provide you with a puzzle that might help you figure it out: combine what gives your home some of its structural integrity and the color of A's sparkly eyes).

Initially I spoke to her on the phone before ever meeting her and to be truthful wasn't all that impressed and kinda thought she was a bi*ch. That phone call happened on memorial day weekend and sure enough by the end of those three days her and I bonded over sand covered McChickens and keg stands (which in my old age I can still hold longer than she can...that's why shes the Intern and I'm the Coach).

Fear and Loathing in FMB

That first summer turned into another summer internship and many many trips to FMB in between. I'm as pleased as punch that a blurry memorial day weekend turned into the fantastic friendship we have today. I'm truly blessed to have her in my life. She constantly amazes me with how deeply she cares about her friends and family. At times its difficult to have such a close friend when there is so much distance between you, but it never feels like she is all that far away. I adore the nights where we put each other on speakerphone so we can have a cocktail or ten together.

Intern's practically a doctor, which scares the bejesus out of me but honestly, when she's sober she's quite the smarty pants. Our summers in FMB included "porn Sundays", endless parties, beach days, big breakfasts, pool days, and bad decisions. One decision, which I'm calling the greatest drunken decision ever made, was an impromptu homemade haircut. For some reason, which I still can't figure out, she let me and Ten-Key Ninja loose with the clippers after I alone consumed a blender full of daiquiris during a long fourth of July day of celebrating. For that, Intern I award you "Best Hair". Congrats!

Almost stuck with the reverse mullet in the back, party in the front....but decided to keep cutting ;)