Can I get an H!

So....I've been in a bit of a dry slump lately. Oh, what a difference a couple of letters in that sentence could make, if I had been in a bit of a dry hump instead of a slump I'd be relatively happy and not frustrated in the least, of course an sl instead of an h means some words for you to read right here on this fine soapbox I call my blog. Silver lining :)

As of late my life has been more like the Rebecca Black song about Friday as opposed to the Katy Perry song about Friday. Its been more of a "gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal, tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes after....wards". I mean I still don't want the weekend to end but it's no "Is this a hickie or a bruise, streaking in the park, skinny dipping in the dark whoa-oh-oah" kind of Friday night.

I'm not going to specify how long this dry slump has been, cause I'm classy. But since the beginning of the slump there has been no more than a little kissin', and I don't even know if I should count it. Like, if this person was a Christmas ornament, you would hang em on the back of the tree. Not the best looking, not something you want to display to your friends, but still made the cut...after a few glasses of nog. Maybe you put this particular ornament on the bottom of the tree in the back, near the electrical outlets, just in case there is a fire it would be the first to go. I guess I'm sayin, no one would miss it.

I can't complain too much, as I found out last night one of my friends hasn't started her ump with an H since 2010...that's a completely different year than we are currently in! Well, I'm out there looking for love, perhaps though in all the wrong places. Seeing as the last person I went on a 'date' with asked me I was super healthy because I ordered a green tea frappuccino, apparently if a beverage is green like a vegetable it must taste yucky and have lots of gross healthy vitamins in it. Is the logic lost on you? Yeah, me too. I also used the word sedentary, which in hindsight I realize is a 'big' word but a little advice, if you are on a date with someone and they use a word you don't understand you have a couple options: 1. decipher its meaning by the context in which it was used 2. react how they react (if they laugh then you laugh, etc) then look it up when you get home 3. ask them what it means. Two of those options are acceptable, one is not. If you can't figure out which one is not, then I'm super happy I've never been on a date with you.


Oh, as a side note I have a new favorite time waster...pinterest is out (not really, its still bad ace) and My Drunk Kitchen is in. Be still my hannah Hart (winky face emoticon). It's wonderful and fantastic and you will love it, promise.

Ripped from the headlines...and by headlines I mean my Gmail Chat

The following is an actual conversation which took place between the Ten Key Ninja and I. It lasted for over 20 minutes, I don't know what else to say. At least I didn't post the 10 minute conversation about 'planking' that took place afterwards.

me: have you ever taped your thumbs to your hands to see what it would be like to be a dinosaur

Ten Key Ninja: i can't say that i have. have you? are you doing it right now?

me: no, that would be weird. i'm a professional Ten Key Ninja

Ten Key Ninja: that would be weird :) so am I, but i never know what you're doing over there

me: true

Ten Key Ninja: it wouldn't shock me if you were sitting there, trying to type without thumbs. i just tried to type without using my thumbs...that space bar is a real bitch. you have to concentrate much harder

me: how about you step outside of your comfort zone and see what its like to be a dinosaur

Ten Key Ninja: doesn't necessarily mean my thumbs are taped together.. just not using them

me: i bet you just take your thumbs for granted

Ten Key Ninja: maybe you should try to be a dinosaur too

me: who says i haven’t, just not at work

Ten Key Ninja: i have a hard time believing you've sat at home and changed the tv channels or drank your cocktails, pretending to not have thumbs

me: well believe it baby. the tv is easy. cocktail, only if you have a straw

Ten Key Ninja: how about texting?

me: why are you so curious

Ten Key Ninja: oh..just getting a feel for what it's like to be a dinosaur

me: try it yourself if you're so curious. experience life Ten Key Ninja

Ten Key Ninja: you're right...everyone should really experience life, as an extinct creature

Ten Key Ninja: which dinosaur would you be...i mean, if you had to pick one

me: hm, thats a thinker. maybe like a Bagaceratops. cause its name is funny, it has a horn, and its nice. its hard to tell though

Ten Key Ninja: yeah..i would probably a triceratops or a velociraptor

me: those are mean

Ten Key Ninja: well if i'm going to be a dinosaur, i need to live a little. try something new, like being mean/aggressive

me: wow, dinosaur me and you would not be friends

Ten Key Ninja: dinosaur you would need dinosaur me for protection

me: i'd be chilling, hippie like dinosaur, eating some tree and you'd be spitting in people’s faces and blinding them so you could eat them. note my vast knowledge of dinosaurs comes from Jurassic Park I and II

Ten Key Ninja: sounds like it

me: i'm not entirely confident, that being said, that what i know is accurate

Ten Key Ninja: my first choice of dinosaur would be the triceratops. it was always my favorite

since the land before time. her name was sara and she was nice

me: land before time. i guess that is a better movie to think of

Ten Key Ninja: that's usually how i think of dinos

me: i like to think of my dinosaurs with big angel wings, singing lead vocals for lynyrd skynyrd, with like an angel band...and i'm in the front row and i'm hammered drunk. thats how i usually think of them, well that, or Jurassic park

Ten Key Ninja: :) if dinosaurs sang lead vocals, they would have to have one of those headset microphones

me: of course, like Brittany Spears

True True

Fun with Charts and Graphs!

Where'd I put that dream dictionary?

I think I need a new dream dictionary...mine moved to North Carolina. Ok, so my dream dictionary wasn't so much a book but a roommate, who loved to analyze my dreams. I can't count how many times I woke up confused, sad, happy, or with some type of ailment (typically from physically kicking or punching the wall in response to what was happening in my dream) and explained it detail by detail to No Longer Easy E while it was still a vivid memory. She was either insanely insightful or I am insanely gullible. Either way, thinking back about those moments releases a little dab of dopamine into my average sized brain.

As you can probably tell, I have some pretty realistic dreams. I remember a Friends episode once where Phoebe is mad at Ross but she can't remember why. Turns out he did something mean to her in her dream. I feel that, I often wake up (even from non Tylenol PM induced sleep) not sure if something actually happened or not. Now, don't get me wrong even though the dream about me being the Whooo version of Iron Man's sidekick felt real I was fully aware that I was not part of the Avengers. Sometimes though, even the most outlandish of dreams trick me....

I dreamed I met Ellen at her show and someone (whoever I was with at the show and had gotten me there) told her I had this amazingly hilarious laugh. So Ellen gets right up in my face and just says "laugh", she didn't even have a smile on her face, very stern and un-Ellen like actually. So I am so very nervous that I can only muster what I call my fake work laugh. Ellen looks at me, disappointed, kind of the same way the Tiger Woods does on Wii's Tiger Woods Golf game when I make the digital version of him shank one into the woods, and then she walks away. I cry. I woke up so sad, I'd missed my chance. It all seemed so real. Analyze that.

I don't play a doctor on tv, but I do play one in real life

In college I used to have anxiety attacks quite often, to a point where I considered getting medicated. Meds never came into the picture and over the years I learned to manage them myself. There were always particular triggers, most of them school related, a combination of lack of sleep and entirely too much stress to be the awesome person (academically speaking of course, no stress in just being plain awesome) that I am . Since college and becoming an 'adult' anxiety attacks have been few and far between and have only come on during very stressful times. That is, until about the past month. The anxiety attacks have been happening more frequently and as I've noticed their prevalence increasing I've been trying to figure out what's triggering them. The only thing I I have noticed is that they seem to correlate more often than not to playing angry birds.

Diagnosis- I'm allergic to angry birds. If I can muster the will power, angry birds will be joining the list of things I avoid due to allergies which include tide laundry detergent, crest toothpaste, and criticism.

All I want for Christmas is...

• Tuxedo to start covering up her dookies in the litter box
• the coordination to actually use my heeleys
  
• a waffle maker
  
• a white IU hat
  
• a Flowbee
  
• Taboo
  
• blue bamboo sheets, queen size
• extreme lipo dissolve
• a new domino set
  
• Easy E's balls in my mouth, I can't get enough of her delicious balls
  
• a Roomba
• the book "Seven Gothic Tales"
  
• a winning IU b-ball season
  
• Flavor Flav to learn how to use his claws
  
• someone to stain my entertainment center for me
  
• a merry day for those I love most

I'm not sure how my Christmas list will play out this year, pretty sure I'm not getting a flowbee, or a roomba but a girl can dream can't she? I am fairly sure that The Gray Lining got me a cat, which means that I need to find someone, fall in love, and get them to move in pronto according to my very own non-scientific, non-research based theory that the maximum allowable cat to person ratio is 2-1. You might be thinking, easier said than done- you would be correct, especially considering I have just recently warmed up to the idea of potentially dating. A year ago saying the word 'dating' would have been very quickly followed by just the tiniest bit of vom. I know, I had the same reaction to the thought of dating as most people have to two girls one cup. Don't judge. Typing the words "love", and "move in" just made me a little queasy, so to The Gray Lining, please take note that nowhere on my Christmas list will you find "another kitten", or "become a creepy cat lady".

Whatever is on your list this year, I hope it finds its way under your tree, and if you're like me and one of the boxes is meowing maybe forget to open that one. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good stiff cocktail. All of mine this wonderful holiday season :)

The first rule of fight club is...

I haven't been sleeping all that well as of late. More specifically I haven't drifted off to dreamland before the 2am hour all week. It seems as if I'm exhausted, but just can't fall asleep. I was telling The Gray Lining about my sleeping troubles and she thinks I might have insomnia, which worries her....not for any health reason, but because shes afraid I will start a fight club.

Here's to hoping many nights full of sleep are to follow because I think I just broke the first rule of fight club.

I walked into the party like I was walking onto a yacht…

I’ve decided I’m giving everyone life size cardboard cutouts of myself for their birthdays from now on. The KFBS was the first recipient.

I bet that song was about me.

You're pretty

In grad school I had an amazing professor named Lloyd Kolbe, google him, seriously this man is the shiznit. Not only does he have an amazing beard, he has made some pretty amazing accomplishments in the world of public health.

Aside from being a public health god, he was full of interesting ideas; such as the idea that no one is actually stupid. He was a large believer in the Howard Gardner theory of multiple intelligences. This theory developed in the early 80’s basically states that there are 7 intelligences. They consist of Linguistic intelligence, Logical-mathematical intelligence, Musical intelligence, Bodily-kinesthetic intelligence, Spatial intelligence, Interpersonal intelligence, and Intrapersonal intelligence. He later added Naturalist intelligence to his theory.
I always found it to be a great way of thinking as a teacher, especially as a teacher of a subject I always felt like students could excel at, if taught in the proper way, despite their intelligence (as in the traditional definition).

In the days you’ve known me I’m willing to bet each of you has done or said something “stupid” and I have undoubtedly told you how pretty you were or how great you personality is. According to this theory I was merely pointing your intelligence. You’re welcome.

So, I will happily use (and add to) Mr. Gardner’s theory and the next time you say something stupid don’t be surprised if I tell you how aesthetically intelligent or interpersonally intelligent you are.

Casting a movie is hard work

Being as this blog is eventually going to turn into a book and subsequently a major motion picture I thought it might be a good idea to start pondering who would play me, and those who play essential roles in my ramblings and tall tales.

Let’s start with the star of this flick, Me. According to The Gray Lining the ideal person to play me in a movie about my life is Wanda Sykes.

In a strange way I was flattered because Wanda Sykes is hilarious, I mean this woman has been ranked one of the 25 funniest people in America. However, I wonder if a 46 year old black woman would be best suited to play a 26 year old white country girl. I also received a suggestion of Natalie Portman, but was told by My BFF that she was too boring to play me. Honestly, I’m fairly confident that this particular suggestion came due to Portman’s willingness to shave her head for a role, and that she would probably rock a faux hawk pretty well. For the time being I’ll keep the casting call open.

To play My BFF was an easy choice…Joan Cusack.

Namely because My BFF said “just not Joan Cusack” and also because she is the ultimate best friend in any movie. When you read this Joan, holler at me and we’ll talk logistics.

The Gray Lining also has very particular ideas about who should play her in my movie. While she has selected a person almost twice my age to play me, she has deamed Evangeline Lilly to be the ideal person to play her.

Nice try The Gray Lining, but nay. You are a Zooey Deschanel whether you like it or not.

Evangeline Lilly is entirely too much of a bad ass to play you, but she may be the ideal actress to play The Future Mrs. My BFF/Rogue Hand. Congrats My BFF, on having a hot movie wife.

I need a good book

I have this issue wherein my brain moves very quickly from subject to subject (or worry to worry usually) causing stress. I call this “Busy Brain”. The stress caused by busy brain leads to adult onset acne and insomnia. The aforementioned items contribute to the annoyance of co-workers (because I am bitchy from lack of sleep), unhealthy eating habits (due to lunch time naps) and lack of ass-getting (acne). Those aforementioned items lead to more stress and the circle continues.

I have found two cures for busy brain. One is television, but for some reason there seems to be nothing on that I actually like. I am already up with the Kardashians, I have no more interest in what the girls are doing next door and there won’t be another House or SVU marathon on until Sunday. The other cure is reading. Usually I stick to memoirs (I know that makes me sound pretentious, so I will follow with the fact that my favorite all time book is Jimmy Buffetts autobiography), as novels usually don’t keep my interest long enough to actually finish them.

Last time I got the busy brain and lacked recommendations for a good read the skys opened up and God said “Let there be Twilight”, and it was so. I embarrassingly enough buried my nose in that young adult fiction and didn’t return to the world for an entire day. It was amazing and honestly why I depend on books to aid my escape from busy brain.

So, being that I have in fact read the entire Twilight series, that right I said it. I’m looking for anything as intriguing in the fiction realm or if you have a good memoir you might recommend let me know. Lots of thoughts bouncing around currently and busy brain is at a very active state, and quite frankly the money maker does not look too good with the adult onset acne.

A Resolution Worth Making

As we begin a new year many of us set out to make changes in our lives, or a “New Years Resolution”. Many resolutions deal with stopping a bad habit, or deal with improving one’s health in some way, perhaps by way of diet and/or exercise. Throughout the years I’ve made many a resolution, but it always seems that life gets in the way or at least I accept that as a viable excuse for not competing what I set out to do. This year, I’m making a commitment to do the impossible, hell I may even go beyond that to the place where the possible and the impossible meet, to the possimpible. This year I WILL make my resolution last more than 2 weeks.

Now I haven’t done any actual research on this but I’m practically a doctor so we’ll call this an educated guess. With roughly 6,692,030,277 people in the world (obviously this changes by the minute), about 50% make a New Year’s resolution. So basically, when the ball drops a total of 3,346,015,138 resolve to make a change. Well, perhaps not exactly when the ball drops, 3,346,015,138 people probably make out with a stranger when the ball drops but sometime the next day when they wake up from an alcohol induced haze they resolve to make a change. I’m basing the 50% on a number of confounding variables, for example: those kids on tv with the flies all over their faces probably have more to be concerned about than stopping biting their nails. Out of that number I would say roughly .00001% actually stick to their New Year’s resolution (somehow I feel like I’m being generous here), a total of 33,460. So essentially what I am saying is that in 2010 I will be one of the 33,460 people worldwide to actually stick to their New Year’s Resolution.

In closing I would like to wish each of you luck in joining me as a part of that elite 33,460, and showing the world, or at least 50% of it, that nothing and everything is possimpible. Challenge yourself this year. Wishing you and yours the Happiest of New Years!



Oh, I almost forgot to tell you what my New Year’s Resolution was….In 2010 I WILL take more naps.

Guess who's back in the momma f'in mix

There are few things in my life that I adore as much as my family and friends, but one thing that comes close is my adoration for a finely crafted party invitation. I know most times it would be perfectly acceptable to send out an email or facebook evite to a party but something inside me beckons me to take it a step or two further. In regards to our New Years Eve party I think I may have taken it 26.2 miles worth of steps further.

This year we're geared up to have a 'throwback' party where guests may dress in attire from the past, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s....hell if they can come up with something from the 20s I say kudos to you sir or mam. The invite was done and redone and finally this is what I came up with. Inspired by a combination of Kris Kross (because they make me jump jump) and Salt-N-Pepa (pu-push it real good).

So, if you're around.... Get up on this! at our house to ring in the new year :)

To sweeten the pot, party favors will likely include DJ A's "Get up on this" Throwback Mix CDs.

Consequently I am wondering how much damage aside from the scar on my forehead (or fivehead) was done when I fell out of my dysfunctional high chair as a child.

Charts are Fun!

In honor of the HIMYM Charts episode where Marshall made a pie chart of his favorite bars and a bar graph of his favorite pies I thought I would give you my own version....

Another brilliant idea brought to you by rum.

You can try to raise them right...

Becoming a parent today is daunting subject. In this day and age you have to worry about drugs, sex, violence on television and in video games all while working to make ends meet and put food on the table and a roof over their heads at the end of the day. The simple act of bringing home a newborn can be scary as hell.

I leap head first into motherhood, well actually I didn't really make the decision myself. It was a bit of a surprise to tell you the truth! :O

I came home from work one day thinking only about packing for an out-of-control trip to Costa Rica and found 2 pounds of fur sitting there waiting to call (or meow) me 'mom'. Just like most moms it took me less than two seconds to fall in love. After the initial shock, smiles, and snuggles...it hit me. There would be many sleepless nights to follow as she got used to her new surroundings, and I would have all the worries any mom has...will she make friends, will she make the right choices , will she be able to follow her dreams...the list is endless. I'm a natural worrier, so the role of mom came very easy to me.

Since Tux came into my life I have tried to raise her right...teach her to be good to others, not fall victim to peer pressure, to love her sister Angel. I have given her time, attention, acceptance and love. All in all, I believed I had raised a good natured, well-balanced cat.

Much to my dismay I opened up the America's Finest News Source, the Onion, today and in the local news I faced my worst fears when I saw this....

I like her hair…I wonder if the carpet matches her pubes

I am peter pan, I never want to grow up but lately the battle is getting harder. If there was some type of potion that I could drink and stay 25 forever I would chug that shit like I was thirteen and someone handled me a bottle of boones farm. That being said, I have been noticing that with age comes a lot of new things…

Let’s talk about the hair. Unlike the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, I do not derive my power from real or fictional dinosaurs, nor do I wear a color-coded battle suit made of spandex and a helmet (though a helmet would have proved useful on many occasions when intoxicated)… I derive my power from my hair. My hair doesn’t provide superhuman strength, or ability in hand-to-hand combat; but I often call on Power of Awesome Hair! in social situations.

You see, about a year and a half ago I cut off nearly 15 inches of blond hair. The result of that cut was the glory that is bestowed upon the eyes of those who interact with me each day. Since the cut, and going back to my natural darker hair color I have noticed quite a few gray hairs coming in. They are patchy at best and I keep them around because they make me look distinguished (and I secretly believe the old wives tale that if you pull one out that two will come back in its place). I’m sure genetics play a factor in the graying of my hair and I do look exactly like my Momma but I can’t seem to get a definitive answer from her on when she actually went gray. I believe two factors contribute to her inability to be able to answer this simple question. 1) She made the decision to start coloring her hair blond at the age of 19 and continued to dye it until about 6 years ago. So, what actual color was under that dye at age 30, 40, or 50 is a question that no one can answer. 2) Momma drinks.

I’m figuring I have about 5 to 7 years to still be able to call on Power of Awesome Hair! before I have to say goodbye to a piece of me that makes me more confident than I’ve ever been. But hey, at least I won’t get caught checking myself out in any and every reflective surface I pass by anymore. There’s always a silver lining ;)

Let’s just hope the silver lining isn’t around my head too soon.

Photo from Halloween preparation...this year I'm going as a really old version of myself (aka: Momma)

Cut Footloose

If 80's clothing has to come back I want 80's dancing to come back too. It would be awesome to actually be a good dancer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhZU5G6qFqE

Corn fed

Recently I’ve been noticing an influx of tv shows based in Indiana. Growing up, I knew Indiana was disinteresting not only because of the corn fields that surrounded my house but also because everything I watched on the picture box in the living room showed far more interesting places, like the mystical Bayside High School in California. Up until recently I truly believed Cali to be a state that was full of tanned beautiful people and sunshiney year round, apparently that is not the case and I should have a) used common sense and b) paid more attention in geography. Oh, and Baywatch- don’t think you’re getting off the hook here; my warped view of life on the west coast can’t solely be blamed on Saved by the Bell.

NBC and ABC both have shows depicting life in made-up Indiana towns--Parks and Recreation is based in Pawnee, Indiana which allegedly is somewhere 90 miles outside of Indianapolis—The Middle is based in Orson, Indiana. I think it’s about time that kids in California get a view of the Midwest on a national tv network. Granted, those cali kids probably caught an episode or two of Hang Time in the late nineties but that likely just led them to believe that in Indiana it was commonplace for a girl to be able to join a boys high school basketball team.



Anywho, shout out to NBC and ABC for providing an honest look at what life is actually like in the Midwest—a little backwards, roads that lead to the middle of nowhere, and lots of corn. Maybe if they would have left Saved by the Bell based at a high school in Indianapolis the world wouldn’t have had to wait for some honesty, maybe I wouldn’t have had grandiose illusions of California, or maybe I would have read more because the lives of Slater, Zach, Kelly and the rest of the gang would have been a little less interesting at JFK High instead of Bayside.