Friday, April 13, 2012

Breakfast of champions...who like to sleep in

I love brunch, it combines a couple of my favorite things- waking up late and breakfast foods. I can't wrap my brain around morning people. I know these people, they are my friends, my co-workers, my momma. They provide reasoning such as "habit". These people allege that after waking up at an ungodly hour for work everyday for insert a copious amount of years here that they just can't sleep in. I have been at my "grown-up" job for 5 years 9 months and 26 days, and I can still sleep till a minimum of 10am on any given day. On a weekend, good luck getting me out of bed before noon unless someone arises to consciousness before I, and alerts me of activities such as brunch. Brunch is like a beautiful poem, except that I can understand it without having it explained to me. Generally, good brunch places follow some general rules.

Good brunch places:
  • Have a minimum of a 45 minute wait; you want a good sized line at your brunch place, this way you know they mean business, you know they serve cocktails, and you know people want to linger.
  • Are the size of an atm vestibule, bonus points if none of the chairs match.
  • Have servers who are eclectic. Last great brunch I had the pleasure of partaking in, I didn't know whether my server was a man or woman, to tell you the truth I still don't and I was there for around two hours....Best brunch I think I've ever eaten... french toast I would cut a bitch for.
  • Speaking of toast, it should be like a great kiss- french and in my mouth. They must serve some hybrid, culinary genius, thousand calorie version of french toast- fry it, stuff it, cram it, scatter it, cover it, smother it, I don't give a shit, do whatever you have to do...just make it fancy and put it in my mouth hole.
Wanna brunch, but don't know how? How about some tips....
  • Take your time, brunch is about starting your drunk in the am hours, continuing it into the early afternoon and having a hangover somewhere around the prevening/evening. You're going to want to drink rum, because it's delicious, but contrary to everything you've read on this blog rum isn't a morning beverage. Think more mimosa, screwdriver or bloody mary. Brunch based alcoholic drinks always have some type of 'healthy' flair to them, usually juice of some sort so you can masquerade your morning drinking as starting your morning off right with some vitamins.
  • Avoid the scone, not sure how this became a food but its essentially like a really really hard, crumbly, bad tasting donut thing. You'll recognize it because it resembles a petite, buttery, fluffy biscuit; but when you lift it, its brick like weight will tell its true tale. Put some bacon in your mouth instead. Bacon is amazing, so amazing in fact that when it cooks it makes its own applause. Better yet, see if they make some kinda fancy pants donut with maple bacon on the top of it. It's not trashy, bacon's all the rage right now, even hipsters are ironically eating it.
  • Try other people's food, don't ask, just get your fork right up in there. This is normal brunch behavior and they want you to do this (come on, you know you want it too). Then make lots of nummy nummy sounds which suggests you made a wrong decision, are inferior, and their food was better than yours (even if that is not at all true because you ordered french toast that made you tingle where you pee).
Damn, now I want brunch and it's 7pm.

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