Thursday, March 1, 2012

Momma in da house

"If they call it snowbird season, why can't we shoot them?", is the question asked by locals each and every year just after the holidays wrap up and the blue hairs fly south for the winter. Among those blue hairs is the one and only, well my one and only, Momma, in town for 6 weeks. Thus far momma has been on the island for 10 days, and in that time I've began to learn a few things about the snowbirds, have been taking some "field notes" (aka typing stupid, confusing shit momma does/says into the notepad of my phone). Come along with me on this learning journey.

The snowbird, also known as the blue hair, is a particular sect of the human race native to the Midwest. It is primarily a carnivorous species, and thrives on early bird menus or cafeterias at assisted living facilities. When left to prepare its own meals it will instead eat whatever sweets are in its sights, such as cake for dinner. It has few natural predators due to its endearing immobility, and generous offerings of hard candies.

The snowbird varies in size, but is distinct in it's markings. Their exterior is leathery and dark in color and glistens from its ceaseless application of Australian Gold Dark Tanning Oil Accelerator. It seems snowbirds live in seasonal rentals or mooch off their children. They are notoriously habitual and seem to keep a routine consisting of the following: breakfast, cocktail, nap, tan, nap, cocktail, watching their idol and bachelor, and finally passing out. Snowbirds do not like to be awakened from their slumber and will either lash out or talk nonsense when it occurs.

Additionally, they appear to have poor eyesight without something they call "their readers". Their memory too seems to be lacking. I believe for this reason they do not like their surroundings changed. I noted this particular trait as Momma tripped over a newly acquired fire pit twice within a week long period. When the snowbird injures itself from a fall they vocalize through plaintive whines. They also prefer to have trips and falls blamed on their age and arthritis as opposed to their day drinking. General knowledge of first aid also seems to suffer as the snowbird ages, as they appear to not understand that hand sanitizer should not be used to clean an open, bleeding wound. For these and many more reasons it's believed their lifespan in the wild would be shorter than in captivity. We're only 10 days in folks, stay tuned for more momma updates and observations about snowbirds.


  1. Please start blogging again! I miss you!

    1. My apologies bout I pay my penance with a two-for?