A Resolution Worth Making

As we begin a new year many of us set out to make changes in our lives, or a “New Years Resolution”. Many resolutions deal with stopping a bad habit, or deal with improving one’s health in some way, perhaps by way of diet and/or exercise. Throughout the years I’ve made many a resolution, but it always seems that life gets in the way or at least I accept that as a viable excuse for not competing what I set out to do. This year, I’m making a commitment to do the impossible, hell I may even go beyond that to the place where the possible and the impossible meet, to the possimpible. This year I WILL make my resolution last more than 2 weeks.

Now I haven’t done any actual research on this but I’m practically a doctor so we’ll call this an educated guess. With roughly 6,692,030,277 people in the world (obviously this changes by the minute), about 50% make a New Year’s resolution. So basically, when the ball drops a total of 3,346,015,138 resolve to make a change. Well, perhaps not exactly when the ball drops, 3,346,015,138 people probably make out with a stranger when the ball drops but sometime the next day when they wake up from an alcohol induced haze they resolve to make a change. I’m basing the 50% on a number of confounding variables, for example: those kids on tv with the flies all over their faces probably have more to be concerned about than stopping biting their nails. Out of that number I would say roughly .00001% actually stick to their New Year’s resolution (somehow I feel like I’m being generous here), a total of 33,460. So essentially what I am saying is that in 2010 I will be one of the 33,460 people worldwide to actually stick to their New Year’s Resolution.

In closing I would like to wish each of you luck in joining me as a part of that elite 33,460, and showing the world, or at least 50% of it, that nothing and everything is possimpible. Challenge yourself this year. Wishing you and yours the Happiest of New Years!



Oh, I almost forgot to tell you what my New Year’s Resolution was….In 2010 I WILL take more naps.

This is why I live in Florida..

Now that the Christmas holiday, all the bustle, and visitors have been and gone I just wanted to provide a brief synopsis and let you know how I made out with my “All I want for Christmas” list.

Christmas Eve is one of my favorite nights of the year, right behind any night that includes a theme party and my birthday of course. I guess this is because it has always been the night when my family got together to celebrate Christmas (Christmas morning was usually reserved for sleeping in and as we got older for nursing a hangover). I remember my huge catholic family all coming to our house for Christmas Eve and how it was one of the few times a year that my dad would uncover the pool table in our family room (never understood that but it made that night all the more special). As I got older I remember being the ‘bartender’ mixing up Tom Collins cocktails for my Momma and my aunts (and usually an extra one for me and The Gray Lining to sneak off and drink somewhere). I complain quite a bit about the cold weather that I grew up in but there is a certain amount of convenience and country charm to being able to leave all your beers and pops out on the porch to stay cold for drinkin’ (damn right I said drinkin’ and damn right I said pop, I'm talkin' about the country after all!).

While I grew up loving Christmas Eve in the blistery north, there is in fact a reason I moved here….year round summer. Ok, perhaps it’s not summer year round, those who don’t live here might tell you there is no season change, but when I woke up this morning I did the same sprint to the shower to get under the warmth of the hot water just like I did on cold northern mornings. My Christmas Eve in the past couple years has been a true Florida one, it has been spent around a beach bonfire, enjoying great food, and great friends, plus…I don’t have to sneak my Tom Collins or any other cocktails anymore, which is ver nice.

Christmas day was spent traditionally, opening presents and as it turns out those I hold dear did a pretty good job with my Christmas list.

All I want for Christmas is...

• my cat to start covering up her dookies in the litter box


• my arms/hands to be injured and after they heal to suddenly be an amazing guitar player...rookie of the year style. That would be absolutely funky butt lovin (that's for you Ten-Key Ninja)


• an IU slanket - CHECK!


• a personal chef


• a Flowbee (for the Wayne's world fans a Suck Kut)


• to win the lottery, i'd settle for a scratch off winner


• black bamboo sheets, queen size SEMI-CHECK


• extreme lipo dissolve


• snuggle coupons - CHECK


• No-Longer-Easy E's balls in my mouth (cake balls you dirty minded people) - CHECK


• a Roomba


• an IU football jersey - CHECK


• a winning softball season for "I'd Hit That"


• the deed to a beach house


• a Buckingham Blues Bar t-shirt


• for my best to acquire Michael Buble's best swimmers


• cards from my favorites far away from where I am - CHECK


• board games, board games, and maybe a couple more board games - CHECK


• a pair of Heelys, and a gift certificate for my ER deductible following their first use


• a merry day for those I love most and a merry day for me surrounded by those I adore - CHECK
  
  

For those items I didn’t come away with, there’s always my birthday! Merry Christmas to all, and to all peace out!

A's Yearbook

In an effort to help you get to know the wonderful individuals that are daily players in my life and in this blog, I thought I would introduce you to them ‘yearbook’ style.

Most Spirited:
The Gray Lining

I’ve quite literally known The Gray Lining my entire life; after all she is my baby sister. As odd as it is for siblings to be friends we have been the best of them for as long as I can remember. She and I share a bit more than the same crazy Momma, we both love tacky décor, theme parties, beers, kitties, and a well crafted party invitation.

I have no clue where to begin and end with The Gray Lining so I’ll just give you little taste of why I adore her so much. In college we lived together in the Knolls apartments next door to a lesbian couple. “The lesbians” (as we referred to them) had two adorable kitties. One day I was coming back from class and ran into the lesbians who had gotten another kitten. I came home and told The Gray Lining that they had gotten a kitten and they said to stop by to see it. Without a pause The Gray Lining said “Man those girls really love the pussy”.

The Gray Lining is one of the funniest people I have ever met, she continually amuses and astounds me with her wit. Some people can always find the silver lining in any situation; The Gray Lining can always find just that, the gray lining in any situation. Not quite the eternal optimist, but it’s all part of her charm and for that, the Gray Lining I award you “Most Spirited”. Congrats!

All I want for Christmas is...

• my cat to start covering up her dookies in the litter box
• my arms/hands to be injured and after they heal to suddenly be an amazing guitar player...rookie of the year style. That would be absolutely funky butt lovin (that's for you Ten-Key Ninja)
• an IU slanket
• a personal chef
• a Flowbee (for the Wayne's world fans a Suck Kut)
• to win the lottery, i'd settle for a scratch off winner
• black bamboo sheets, queen size
• extreme lipo dissolve
• snuggle coupons
• No-Longer-Easy E's balls in my mouth (cake balls you dirty minded people)
• a Roomba
• an IU football jersey
• a winning softball season for "I'd Hit That"
• the deed to a beach house
• a Buckingham Blues Bar t-shirt
• for my best to acquire Michael Buble's best swimmers
• cards from my favorites far away from where I am
• board games, board games, and maybe a couple more board games
• a pair of Heelys, and a gift certificate for my ER deductible following their first use
• a merry day for those I love most and a merry day for me surrounded by those I adore

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good stiff cocktail come family time ;) Merry Christmas Eve Eve and Happy Holidays!

Guess who's back in the momma f'in mix

There are few things in my life that I adore as much as my family and friends, but one thing that comes close is my adoration for a finely crafted party invitation. I know most times it would be perfectly acceptable to send out an email or facebook evite to a party but something inside me beckons me to take it a step or two further. In regards to our New Years Eve party I think I may have taken it 26.2 miles worth of steps further.

This year we're geared up to have a 'throwback' party where guests may dress in attire from the past, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s....hell if they can come up with something from the 20s I say kudos to you sir or mam. The invite was done and redone and finally this is what I came up with. Inspired by a combination of Kris Kross (because they make me jump jump) and Salt-N-Pepa (pu-push it real good).

So, if you're around.... Get up on this! at our house to ring in the new year :)

To sweeten the pot, party favors will likely include DJ A's "Get up on this" Throwback Mix CDs.

Consequently I am wondering how much damage aside from the scar on my forehead (or fivehead) was done when I fell out of my dysfunctional high chair as a child.

Big ol dinosaur brains

Had a discussion regarding intelligence the other day with No-Longer-Easy-E and My BFF, which led to a phone call to Momma to find out my IQ test score from 5th grade. Turns out I've really taken a dookie on my potential.

Take 30 Boozey Bears and call me in the morning

Caught under the mistletoe!

This weekend started off unlike any other, meaning that it did not start with a cocktail in the shower. My Friday was consumed by helping the Kissy Faced Booty Shaker pack for her move which turned out to be not all that bad considering I did acquire 2 pieces of furniture (which I did not have to pick out of someone’s trash, score!), and making “drunk gummies”. “Drunk Gummies” or “Boozey Bears” as I like to call them are basically vodka soaked gummy bears. The recipe goes that you take a jar of gummy bears, fill it with vodka just below the top of the gummy bears and leave them overnight to sit and soak up the goodness. I was told this is an alternative to the jello shot and perfect for your lazy party thrower. Being that I am in fact a lazy party thrower I forewent the jello shots and made up a batch of “Boozey Bears” for our Ugly Christmas Sweater and Pajama Party Saturday night. After that it was a night cap or two and off to sleepy town I went.

Saturday morning I was up and at 'em to pick up My BFF from the airport for her weekend escape from cold Hotlanta weather. We spent most of the day being lazy, opening Christmas presents….molly did come away with a sweet IU slanket...



and of course preparing for the Ugly Christmas Sweater and Pajama Party. Friends came, drinks were had, games were played and a lot of Boozey Bears were consumed.

My BMF, MY BFF, and SLBDJT

That's Holiday Spirit

My BFF, I adore her

No-Longer-Easy-E and The Future Mrs. My BMF

One thing was learned about Boozey Bears, they stick together and you’re going to eat 10 if you try to pick up just one, so unless you like blacking out I might stick with jello shots. But if you do like blacking out, give Boozey Bears a try, they were everything that I was promised before making them. That being said, if I ever make Boozey Bears again it might be a good idea if I wrote a will...you know, just in case

Boozey Bears!

I'm very busy and important

First off my apologies for slacking here in blog word, but in true A fashion I have prepared a list of excuses to buy me time until I can actually get a post up.

1. I was drinking.
2. My BFF was in town.
3. Someone re-arranged all the keys on my keyboard.
4. I’ve been in Christmas shopping mode.
5. I was out of milk.
6. I tried to ship myself home for Christmas and I got lost in the mail.
7. I was drunk.
8. I was in nevernever land.
9. I was tanning my translucent skin.
10. Facebook consumes my life.
11. I was hungover.
12. Laundry.
13. I was shopping for an ugly Christmas vest.
14. I was doing a photoshoot with my cat.
15. I was moving furniture.
16. I was learning sign language. By the way, the sign for “honk honk” is not outstretched hands motioning as if you’re grabbing boobs.
17. I was doing volunteer work.
18. I was watching old episodes of Glee.
19. I was playing shuffleboard.
20. I was spinning my head right round, right round…like a record baby.

It adorns my tree

Yesterday I attended a work related holiday luncheon. Once a year all of my counterparts in the area get together to share what works, what doesn’t work, and to have a few ears, who actually can truly understand, listen to what ails ya work-wise. The holiday luncheon obviously includes lunch and a naughty elf ornament exchange. Essentially everyone brings a wrapped ornament and each person draws a number. Your number indicates in what order you get to pick your ornament. #1 has to start with a wrapped ornament but #2, 3, 4 and so forth can either pick a wrapped ornament or steal one from another person that you like. Last year I drew #1. In the end I left with the “worst ornament”, or so I claimed it to be. This turned into a big joke between the person who brought that ornament and me. This year I got #7, out of 8, so I was pumped that I might leave with one of the best ornaments!

It got to my turn and I stole an ornament from another girl, this particular ornament had already been stolen several times and what the pick of the litter…it said “1 day of coal, 364 days of naughty. I pick the naughty”, perfect for me right? I thought I was solid as the person who had #8 is more of a fan of cutesy ornaments than funny ones. Well, I could not have been more wrong, she stole that funny ornament right out from under me. (Did I mention the person who drew #8 is the person who brought the craptastic ornament that I ended up with last year?) I was left with the only remaining wrapped ornament, as I opened it laughter erupted, I am not the proud owner of an 8” glittery Christmas ball.

As it turns out the whole thing was rigged and I was intended to end up with this monstrosity as #8 was going to steal anything I had and leave me with the Christmas ball. All in all, my smile muscles got a huge workout and it was decided that next year we will have only one rule…only bring tacky Christmas ornaments, and then nobody and everybody is a winner. Nice!

For Truth, For Justice, For 15 Bucks a Day

Today I performed one of the most important civic duties of a citizen, I was a juror. In short I was called to protect the rights and liberties of the litigants in in my county's court. The 20 minute video I was made to watch indicated that I was important and I am what makes this country great. It said a bunch more things but I got a little bored about half way through it.

After all the warm and fuzzies from the video, I performed my civic duty by sitting in a chair watching a movie on my i-touch for about an hour. Interrupting my movie was the first call for jurors for a case. As I sat there repeating my number over and over in my head and crossing my fingers until they turned white, I escaped the first group of 40 or so who were called. I took this movie break to have a look around at my fellow jurors. Apparently a number of people took the recommended attire of "business casual" to mean a camouflage button up paired with semi clean jeans. I then turned my movie back on and settled in for about another hour. At this point the formerly comfy chair could have really used a foot stool accompanying it. Round two came and went without my number being rung and as I thought, "I just might make it out of here", I looked around the room and noticed the number of remaining jurors was looking about at thin as My BMF's hair.

About an hour later another group of 12 or so was due to be called. I crossed my fingers just as tightly as possible and then, I heard it---2nd number called. Instead of the responding with "here" as instructed by the staff I provided a "F*CK, oh, I mean here", to which the gentleman behind me said "My sentiments exactly". I made my way up to the court room with my fellow jurors, stepped inside and took a seat on the benches. Surprisingly, this is the first time I've ever been inside a court room (I know, please take a moment to finish gasping). The judge provided us with more verbal pats on the back and thanked us for being there. She introduced the prosecutor, the defense, and the bailiffs, talked some more "bull spit, bull spit, bull spit", and then said the case that we had been waiting for all day was resolved and we were free at last, free at last.

After today I have some thoughts, and I'd love to provide you with a few....

1. There is nothing 'random' about the selection of jurors. I have been called twice since living in this state. I know at least 15 people who have lived here as long or longer than me and have never been called. I honestly believe they call people and if they show up, they get put on a list of responsible citizens who will actually show up for jury duty. There is no doubt in my mind that I will receive another summons in 366 days.

2. With the high level of unemployment (I believe my county is second in the nation) why don't they just excuse all those people with jobs, who are already contributing. I'm sure there are a hell of a lot of people who would wet themselves for the 15 dollars a day you get paid for jury duty.

3. No matter how old I get I will still get nervous in the presence of authority. I took one step in the court room and was nervous as hell, and I was supposed to be one of the people in the box seats bringing down the judgement on the criminals, not in a lick of trouble, and I found myself feeling nauseous and tearing a bit in my left eye (I know that is a weird reaction to nerves, but well, I'm a little bit weird).


In summation, jury duty is an experience and if you happen to have not been called yet, I will happily take your dl number and provide it to the clerk of court as a viable replacement for me next time around.

I’m a Gleek, what of it

This wed is the fall finale of Glee. I cannot begin to tell you how much this hurts my heart. Have you seen the show?!?

Truth be told in high school I would have probably been one of the kids who threw slushies in the faces of the glee club members but today, being a person with a much softer heart, and some maturity I am absolutely in love. This show is hilarious, has a plot line that pulls you in and makes you actually invested in the characters and it includes broadway music sung by actual broadway actors! Deep down I know I am half gay man and half 6 year old (the gay man in me is responsible for my deep felt appreciation of musicals, particular nature, and perfectly sculpted hair; the 6 year old picks out my clothes, is responsible for my inability to not laugh when someone says duty, and eating habits).

Alright, if you haven’t seen the show check out this promo --- And if you have seen it this is an amazing song from an absolutely amazing show (Wicked) I finally got to see this past year.

This post would not be complete unless I mention the actor who plays the teacher/glee club leader, Will Schuester. I think it was said best in the movie Knocked Up --

Allison- "I love your curly hair! It's great, do you use product or anything?"
Ben- "No...I use, uh, jew it's called"

The only thing I can attribute to my love for Will Shuester is his hair as I happen to know that the women in my family take a particular liking to anyone who uses that particular brand of product...we love us some jewish-fro's.

I don’t know what else to say…Glee I will miss you until we meet again in the spring. Until then I will rock out to your soundtrack in my car…I may be no Rachel Berry but I would still deserve a gold star next to my name after singing Don’t Stop Believing.

Charts are Fun!

In honor of the HIMYM Charts episode where Marshall made a pie chart of his favorite bars and a bar graph of his favorite pies I thought I would give you my own version....

Another brilliant idea brought to you by rum.

I like to do drawrings

So this morning at about 4am I woke up and my neck was killing me. It took me all of about 2 seconds to realize it hurt like hell because my head was hanging off the edge of the bed. But it actually took about 30 seconds to realize I was sleeping like this...bear hugging the shit out of my pillow.

And no, I wasn't drinking last night. Weird, right?

That's what she said

Jeopardy had "That's what she said" as a category last night.

Awesome.

A's Yearbook

In an effort to help you get to know the wonderful individuals that are daily players in my life and in this blog, I thought I would introduce you to them ‘yearbook’ style.

Best Hair:

Intern

I had the great fortune of meeting Intern when she spent a summer in FMB as an intern at a large corporate pharmacy (I won't tell you the name of it as to not impede her likelihood of obtaining gainful employment but I will provide you with a puzzle that might help you figure it out: combine what gives your home some of its structural integrity and the color of A's sparkly eyes).

Initially I spoke to her on the phone before ever meeting her and to be truthful wasn't all that impressed and kinda thought she was a bi*ch. That phone call happened on memorial day weekend and sure enough by the end of those three days her and I bonded over sand covered McChickens and keg stands (which in my old age I can still hold longer than she can...that's why shes the Intern and I'm the Coach).

Fear and Loathing in FMB

That first summer turned into another summer internship and many many trips to FMB in between. I'm as pleased as punch that a blurry memorial day weekend turned into the fantastic friendship we have today. I'm truly blessed to have her in my life. She constantly amazes me with how deeply she cares about her friends and family. At times its difficult to have such a close friend when there is so much distance between you, but it never feels like she is all that far away. I adore the nights where we put each other on speakerphone so we can have a cocktail or ten together.

Intern's practically a doctor, which scares the bejesus out of me but honestly, when she's sober she's quite the smarty pants. Our summers in FMB included "porn Sundays", endless parties, beach days, big breakfasts, pool days, and bad decisions. One decision, which I'm calling the greatest drunken decision ever made, was an impromptu homemade haircut. For some reason, which I still can't figure out, she let me and Ten-Key Ninja loose with the clippers after I alone consumed a blender full of daiquiris during a long fourth of July day of celebrating. For that, Intern I award you "Best Hair". Congrats!

YES!

Almost stuck with the reverse mullet here....business in the back, party in the front....but decided to keep cutting ;)

Oh, the weather outside is weather...

Its beginning to look, or at least feel, a lot like Christmas and a lot like my vaca is coming to an end...but what a wonderful vacation it was. This year's turkey day was spend with The Gray Lining and Patty Cakes, being that I actually live where we choose to spent the Thanksgiving holiday The Gray Lining and Patty Cakes agreed to make my vacation feel more like a vacation by spending 2 days down in Key West.

The Duo arrived in FMB at about 11:30pm last Saturday night and Dramamine in hand it was off to jump the boat to Key West at 7 Sunday morning. The ride down was fairly uneventful but as always KW was home to the making of memories and the scene of stories meant to share.

Lucky for The Gray Lining and I, Patty Cakes did not learn until day two of the trip that there are no open container laws in KW, but that didn't stop us from partaking in a multitude of adult beverages beginning about a half hour after we stepped foot off the boat. The libations began at the Schooner Wharf Bar where Michael McCloud was playing which always makes for a nice afternoon. Begin fresh off the boat and not able to check into our hotel room Patty Cakes found it necessary to visit the bathroom at the bar...wherein he found a nice little surprise awaiting him on the toilet seat. This would not have been a problem except that this trip to the bathroom was a necessity. What to do, was the topic of conversation for most of our afternoon. The Gray Lining said the obvious answer was the let the wait staff know, Patty Cakes didn't want to ruin our waiters afternoon so that option got vetoed. My solution- take one the plastic forks provided for our meal, get my sharpie out of my bag, write "Turd Fork" and "Turd Removal Device- Patent Pending" on it, and give it to Patty Cakes to 'nudge" the turd off the toilet. I apologize if anyone is or was eating as they read this, but if you know me, then you know that poo is not ever an inappropriate topic of conversation. I can't help but giggle when I think of the person who cleans the bathroom finding a fork, with poo on it sitting next to the plunger that reads "Turd Fork". Priceless.

Of course time was spent at Tiny Bar and we hit up the normal touristy destinations such as the Southernmost point, according to Key West, we did not get to visit what Patty Cakes actually thinks is the Southernmost point, a big metal tower that he believed was further south. In the blink of an eye the trip was over and it was back on the boat home to fmb for Turkey Day. The boat provided for some entertainment in the form of people watching. We played a game we called "Drunk or Boat?", it basically consists of watching people try to walk and deciding whether their poor balance was brought on by the boat or by the booze. Additionally Patty Cakes came back from the bathroom at one point with tp hanging out the back of his pants which was awesomely hilarious and spurred this little gem---A: "Don't worry Patty Cakes, it happens to the best of us." The Gray Lining: "Really?" A: "Well it happens to the best of us that it happens to."

Turkey dinner was fantastic, and The Gary Lining and Patty Cakes are sadly back off to the blistery north. All and all, it was a great vacation and I will patiently await Thanksgiving dinner deliciousness and a visit from my family next year.

You know what I love more than beer?!? Festivals of beer!

You know you drink a lot when three separate people text you to tell you that the Beer Festival got rescheduled.

Winner, Winner, Turkey Dinner

I am about 36 hours away from the arrival of The Gray Lining and Patty Cakes for the Thanksgiving Holiday, and if this year’s visit turns out anything like last year’s visit then anything I might possibly post on the interweb would probably be incoherent. So…I figured I would go ahead and give a pre-emptive Thanksgiving post.

Giving Thanks for Power Hour

Dirty-Sierra-Nevada-Hoodie giving thanks for beer pong and A giving thanks that Dirty SNH is light.

This is the 2nd Thanksgiving that I will be spending with The Gray Lining and Patty Cakes, at least the 2nd one as “adults”. We had a fantastic beach holiday last year and decided to make this a tradition of sorts. I know this tradition will probably fade over time, or at least change to some degree when The Gray Lining and Patty Cakes have a gaggle of cupcakes (cupcakes is what The Gray Lining has decided to call their future children, consequently I almost had a heart attack when talking to The Gray Lining on the phone the other day after she told me that she and Patty Cakes just got done making cupcakes…. I recovered after I realized she was talking about those of the baking variety). But until tiny versions of The Gray Lining and Patty Cakes come along for me spoil, I will cherish the small tradition that we have.

The Feast was Glorious! (above: damn yankees don't know that the kind of coconuts that grow on our tree are the ones you don't eat)

I will say that this holiday will be spent without the 4th member of our little tradition, Dirty SNH. However, he will be fed-exing us “one (1) sandal to complete the pair that was left in A's garage and one (1) bungee cord that is not currently mangled in a bike chain.” to complete our holiday. I suppose a back story on that would be helpful---Last year the sea was angry one night…or perhaps Dirty SNH was angry at the sea, nonetheless at about 2 am after a day and night full of drinking he decided to throw his flip flop into the ocean. The other flip flops remains, to this day, in my garage without it’s fellow. Moreover, a bungee cord was severely mangled by a bicycle chain on a late night trip to waffle house. When told this story was quite fuzzy, but it involved a box cutter and no hash browns.

Dirty-Sierra-Nevada-Hoodie proudly displaying his favorite attire.

Part of our tradition includes going around the table before dinner and sharing what you’re thankful for…so, here is (not an exhaustive) list of what I am thankful for this fine Thanksgiving.

• My momma~ She rarely wears FUBU anymore but she’s still the most rockin’ 60 year old I have ever met. I’m lucky to have a momma that cares about me so damn much and one that I can stand enough to let her live with me for months on end. I’m thankful for her every day.
  
• Tux Sassy Pantalones~ She is my baby and my fuzzy alarm clock. I always find it amazing that I can so quickly love a kitten. It takes me years to trust and love another person but something about a fuzzball just turns me to mush.
  
• My ‘family’~ This year I got the brother I had always wanted in Patty Cakes ;) and next year I will be adding a sister to my family by way of the Flewis nuptials. My family seems to get just a little bit bigger every year. I guess, I’m just one of the one’s lucky enough to have friends I can call family.
  
• Thanksgiving dinner ~ I am thankful for you and all your deliciousness. I love you deeply and let’s not forget your sides, oh and your desserts, I adore them as well.

As I said, this list is no where close to exhaustive but I've been very busy and important trying to get everything ready workwise so our tradition can continue this year...back with more tall tales in about a week. Until then, its off to try to drink ever beer in Key West and FMB for A, The Gray Lining, and Patty Cakes.

You can try to raise them right...

Becoming a parent today is daunting subject. In this day and age you have to worry about drugs, sex, violence on television and in video games all while working to make ends meet and put food on the table and a roof over their heads at the end of the day. The simple act of bringing home a newborn can be scary as hell.

I leap head first into motherhood, well actually I didn't really make the decision myself. It was a bit of a surprise to tell you the truth! :O

I came home from work one day thinking only about packing for an out-of-control trip to Costa Rica and found 2 pounds of fur sitting there waiting to call (or meow) me 'mom'. Just like most moms it took me less than two seconds to fall in love. After the initial shock, smiles, and snuggles...it hit me. There would be many sleepless nights to follow as she got used to her new surroundings, and I would have all the worries any mom has...will she make friends, will she make the right choices , will she be able to follow her dreams...the list is endless. I'm a natural worrier, so the role of mom came very easy to me.

Since Tux came into my life I have tried to raise her right...teach her to be good to others, not fall victim to peer pressure, to love her sister Angel. I have given her time, attention, acceptance and love. All in all, I believed I had raised a good natured, well-balanced cat.

Much to my dismay I opened up the America's Finest News Source, the Onion, today and in the local news I faced my worst fears when I saw this....

Zach Brown Band, Ribfest and Natural Selection

The bad news is that it’s Monday, the good news is that I had a great weekend that was topped off by a trip to St. Pete to see the Zach Brown Band. The show was fantastic and if you ever get a chance to go see them I wouldn’t recommend passing it up. That in it’s self would have made for a great weekend but to add a little cherry to my country music cake the show went down at Rib Fest.

There was food, and by food I mean meats covered in bbq sauce as far as the eye could see. We settled on “Desperado’s” delicious bbq for several reasons 1. Awesome song. 2. Medium line- probably means good food, but I wouldn’t have to wait so long I would end up covering the Kissy Faced Booty Shakers arm in bbq sauce and eating it instead. 3. They’re bbq sauce was dispensed out of big Gatorade coolers, that’s just awesome. In the medium sized line we devised a plan of action, divide and conquer. I was to get a full slab of ribs, the Kissy Faced Booty Shaker was to order up half a chicken, and Sweet Little Baby Doll JT was going to round us out with a huge pile of pulled pork. Orders were placed and it was off to the Gatorade coolers to cover our respective meats in the sauce of our choosing. Sounds simple enough, had our first stop not been the beer tent. Beer cup held soundly by my pearly whites I managed to snag not one but two types of sauce. What happened next was disgusting. I ate at around 1:30 and wasn’t really hungry again until about 10pm, it was a massacre. You know what is awesome about ribs?!? They are their own fork.

In the end it turns out our selection process led us to picking the 2nd place finisher in both sauce and ribs so kudos to Desperado’s and kudos to us!

There was also pre-show entertainment in the form of people watching. We arrived early to get a prime spot for the show and as the day went on people worthy of watching filled in around us. A favorite was the redneck just a few spots away from us. He was there for a nap and the show.

Words can’t describe this gem so I won’t even try. I’ll let the picture say as many words as it wants to. What I will say is a just a little something about natural selection. Natural selection is a gift that just keeps giving. It’s hard to tell if it’s just that inbred genes aren’t all that strong, or if the lack of boot and tack stores on every corner are making it harder for this “breed” to survive in the current environment. Maybe it’s a combo of the two, but whatever heritable traits that I and all the clean, educated people possess that are making people like this one tooth wonder slowly but surely disappear I’m a fan of. Evolution, I heart you, you’re favorite.

And you thought rum only made me make bad decisions...

So, like all great ideas this one began with rum...well to be truthful it probably really began with mass amounts of beer since this story really began a while back...but that will all make sense in a bit.

This Friday evening began like any other, well not quite like any other because it didn't begin with a glass of sailor sitting on the beer shelf in my shower---sorry, I digress, back to the point---on this particular Friday I am planted firmly on the couch, glass of sailor next to me and a dvr full of this week's best television. With No Longer Easy E commandeering the television and weeding through this week's episodes of Oprah, I've been forced to find other ways to entertain myself, thus the rum induced great idea (and you thought rum only made me make bad decisions).

So I'm thinking, I have rum, a phone, and a computer. There are a plethora of options here. I can drunk dial, drunk text, drunk gmail chat, drunk facebook chat, see how much rum my computer can absorb before dying, see how much rum my phone can absorb before dying or....I can finally share with the world something that has brought me so much joy.

You see, over the course of the past several years I have shared cocktails, heart to hearts, laughter, beers, life stories, tears, and more cocktails with a friend I hold close to my heart, Intern. I have woken up after many of the nights filled with all the aforementioned things wishing I had it all on video or at least just audio recorded so I could laugh till I cried all over again. I don't have any A/V records of those nights but I do have the next best thing...I have several saved voicemails that I received when my friend and I had a thousand miles between us.

Is it all making sense now?!?...tonight began with rum....but those messages ladies and gents, those began with beer...mass amounts of beer consumed by none other than my favorite future doctor.

What follows is a message from Intern transcribed exactly from my voicemail. It has brought me happiness on days I've found myself a bit down, and made me laugh so much I would swear she was right next to me even though we were states apart. I hope you enjoy just as much as I have :)


"Coach, I have alcohol poisoning. (moan followed by a long pause) I dressed up as Sally O'Malley last night and did a lot of kicking, stretching and kicking and then I puked in the parking lot and then I passed out hugging the toilet when we got home. I woke up the morning in a tank top and my desert rose pants. (long pause) I wore my dance pants (dramatic pause) CAUSE I LIKE-A TO DANCE! I featured the camel toe. I made out with like three guys last night....allegedly. I think I'm still drunk. Alright, good talk." ~Intern

I want to punch him in his pre-pubescent douche beard

Driving to work this morning I heard something disturbing. Spencer and Heidi wrote a book. It’s called “How to Be Famous: Our Guide to Looking the Part, Playing the Press and Becoming a Tabloid Fixture”. I didn’t know Heidi could read, let alone pen a book. Spencer is obviously the brains of this twosome--- but smart enough to write a book, I’m still struggling with that thought process. What’s more disturbing than the two of the world’s dumbest and most annoying television personalities writing a book is the fact that that they will probably sell a million copies of this book. With chapters like ‘How to grow a pre-pubescent douche beard and have it photographed’ and ‘Planning multiple weddings’, I can even see why people might run out and drop $19.99, I mean I am way too often tempted to purchase celebrity smut in the grocery line. Despite my love of everything borders and everything celebrity smut, I for one won’t be contributing to their 3rd wedding fund by purchasing this turd in paperback form.

A's Yearbook

In an effort to help you get to know the wonderful individuals that are daily players in my life and in this blog, I thought I would introduce you to them ‘yearbook’ style.

Class Clown

My BMF (Best Male Friend)

I met My BMF about two and a half years ago through SLBDJT. I was introduced to a married very calm version of My BMF, but he very quickly turned into a single erratic version of My BMF (personally I adore the latter of the two). My BMF moved to FMB and lived there for about a year before meeting and falling in love with Katrainwreck and they are currently expecting “Little A” next summer!

I will spare the readers the tales of My BMF’s single life and his army of skanks out of respect to the future Mrs. My BMF, but I will say that the year he lived on FMB provided me with a lifetime’s full of ridiculous and hilarious memories and a friend I will have until the day I kick it.

His ADD combined with a pure kid-like happiness for life’s simplest things make everyday an adventure, whether you’re having a hooters hotdog, making an ass out of yourself at a themed party or dumpster diving. If I were to ever have surgery I’m confident I could forego the anesthesia and just have him there to talk and distract me and I wouldn’t feel a bit of pain. For that, My BMF I award you “Class Clown”. Congrats.

The 3rd Annual Amazing Race Fort Myers Beach

This weekend was the 2009 Amazing Race Fort Myers Beach, an annual event in its 3rd year. For those of you not too familiar with the Amazing Race, it is a two hour photo scavenger hunt that requires teams of two to make their way around Fort Myers Beach performing sometimes difficult, sometimes hilarious, and sometimes just plain silly tasks. The winner gets nothing but bragging rights and a buzz but it is always a great time and has allotted many of us the opportunity to see parts of the beach we otherwise wouldn’t or just plain don’t take the time to normally appreciate.

Here’s a little sampling of this year’s tasks:

Got Game....play a game at the new arcade.

(As it turns out the new arcade was not open but that didn't stop Sweet Little Baby Doll JT from showing he's got game.)

Read all about it...find the Island Sandpaper and check out the back page girl- get a stranger to recreat the scene and pose.

Motion of the Ocean...Hula hoop out in front of Hooters

Get a Leg Up...Find five people to join one of your teammates in a chorus line-high kicks and all!

And a personal favorite....

I like mine "All the Way"...order a hash brown smothered and covered and if they don't have that, enjoy a beer at the Surf Club's new location.

The winner was crowned (that was A & E by the way!), and the party continued at our house with rounds of survivor flippy cup and beer pong. Needless to say this old lady was in bed by 10, and Sunday was spent recovering from an Amazing Amazing Race Fort Myers Beach.

Dear Florida,

I've spent the past week working in the blistery north, Maryland to be exact. Before I left my boss went on and on about how great of times he had spent here taking classes. You name it he said it--the beautiful campus, the local drinking establishments, the fall colors, the people. Honestly the way he described it you'd think I was off to Disney World or something and for the most part I was looking forward to my trip despite the fact that Maryland happens to be about 40 or 50 degrees colder than sunny florida.

Heres what I didn't take into account.....my boss has two screaming children and a wife who nags him.....I DO NOT.

I love my life, I love my friends, I LOVE my DVR, I love playing softball and volleyball, I love my bed, I LOVE warm weather. This place is his escape, I don't need an escape, my life is sweet as hell and I don't know why I left it to go freeze my yaya's off and sleep in a twin bed everynight in a dorm room. Sure, its a resume builder but eventually I'm going to run out of room on that thing anyway right?

So....

Dear Florida,

I am sorry if I take you and the joy that you bring to my life for granted. You are favorite. Oh, and if you get a chance please let the people that fill my life with happiness know that I love them too. I appreciate it.

Best Regards,

A

Let’s welcome to the stage….

You remember that scene in Varsity Blues when the football players go to the strip club and see their teacher Miss Davis dancing? She comes out lookin all business in her suit, with a chalkboard that reads Sex Education and proceeds to take off her clothes to Van Halen’s Hot for Teacher all the while playing up that naughty teacher bit like it’s her job (well technically it is her job). That is stripping; taking your clothes off in an effort to obtain money from strangers.

I don’t know if they exist elsewhere in the world but I’ll be damned if I’ve ever been to an actual strip club. Stripping is not coming on to the stage wearing a bikini, taking off the top portion of the bikini to reveal pasties and subsequently rolling around on the floor for 3-5 minutes. Strippers, I appreciate that you are intoxicated and probably high off of a drug I’ve never even heard of, but you’ve been letting your patrons down. They want themes; they want naughty teachers and nurses. They do not want “Let’s welcome to the stage a dirty crack whore with a snaggle tooth”. That’s not a theme, that’s you. The day after Halloween all the costumes stores sell things for 50-70% off, get your "boyfriend" to buy you that eightball and drop a few bucks on a pair of ears and a tail. Hell, if you want go get fancy pick up a Little Bo Peep costume (if the old whore at the Clermont Lounge in the ATL can pull it off you can too!). Have the DJ blast Cat Scratch Fever, put on your ears and tail, get on stage and strip them off for the people. The people want it; Nay…they demand it.


Shout out to Sweet Little Baby Doll JT and Look Imperial for inspiring this post by their weekly trips to a local gentleman's club.

I like her hair…I wonder if the carpet matches her pubes

I am peter pan, I never want to grow up but lately the battle is getting harder. If there was some type of potion that I could drink and stay 25 forever I would chug that shit like I was thirteen and someone handled me a bottle of boones farm. That being said, I have been noticing that with age comes a lot of new things…

Let’s talk about the hair. Unlike the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, I do not derive my power from real or fictional dinosaurs, nor do I wear a color-coded battle suit made of spandex and a helmet (though a helmet would have proved useful on many occasions when intoxicated)… I derive my power from my hair. My hair doesn’t provide superhuman strength, or ability in hand-to-hand combat; but I often call on Power of Awesome Hair! in social situations.

You see, about a year and a half ago I cut off nearly 15 inches of blond hair. The result of that cut was the glory that is bestowed upon the eyes of those who interact with me each day. Since the cut, and going back to my natural darker hair color I have noticed quite a few gray hairs coming in. They are patchy at best and I keep them around because they make me look distinguished (and I secretly believe the old wives tale that if you pull one out that two will come back in its place). I’m sure genetics play a factor in the graying of my hair and I do look exactly like my Momma but I can’t seem to get a definitive answer from her on when she actually went gray. I believe two factors contribute to her inability to be able to answer this simple question. 1) She made the decision to start coloring her hair blond at the age of 19 and continued to dye it until about 6 years ago. So, what actual color was under that dye at age 30, 40, or 50 is a question that no one can answer. 2) Momma drinks.

I’m figuring I have about 5 to 7 years to still be able to call on Power of Awesome Hair! before I have to say goodbye to a piece of me that makes me more confident than I’ve ever been. But hey, at least I won’t get caught checking myself out in any and every reflective surface I pass by anymore. There’s always a silver lining ;)

Let’s just hope the silver lining isn’t around my head too soon.

Photo from Halloween preparation...this year I'm going as a really old version of myself (aka: Momma)

That just happened

We have an entire file cabinet drawer for toys in our office…

Oh, you need a plastic grenade for your presentation this afternoon? No, worries. Giant ink pen to write that proposal? No need to run out and get one, we have three. Got some time between meetings to do a little toning? No need to hit the gym, borrow our exercise band.

A's Yearbook

In an effort to help you get to know the wonderful individuals that are daily players in my life and in this blog, I'm introducing them to you ‘yearbook’ style. Hope you enjoy!

Best Dressed:

No-Longer-Easy-E

I met No-Longer-Easy-E in grad school at IU and eventually moved down to FMB with her. In school No-Longer-Easy-E was always the first to be up for a party or a trip to the bar so naturally her and I made fast friends.

While the average 7 year old is a fan of the wet-willy, No-Longer-Easy-E prefers the dry-willy. She finds it to be less gross and ultimately a lot creepier. I do not think I attended a graduate-level course where No-Longer-Easy-E’s finger did not find its way into my ear canal at least once a week. As a side note: she is correct, it is less gross and absolutely creepier. I have had fleeting thoughts that my success in grad school may be directly attributed to my professors believing I had torettees syndrome (due to me violently shaking and jerking away from No-Longer-Easy-E every time she dry-willyed me) and feeling sorry for me.

Above: No-Longer-Easy-E caught in the act...

classic dual dry-willy

No-Longer-Easy-E and I have been roomies for three and half years, she has broken our hammock (ask her about it, it’s a great story!), been a wonderful step mom to Tux, and is no stranger to fashion. She is best known for owning several tiny vests and summer scarves. For that, No-Longer-Easy-E I award you “Best Dressed”. Congrats!