Oh, the weather outside is weather...

Its beginning to look, or at least feel, a lot like Christmas and a lot like my vaca is coming to an end...but what a wonderful vacation it was. This year's turkey day was spend with The Gray Lining and Patty Cakes, being that I actually live where we choose to spent the Thanksgiving holiday The Gray Lining and Patty Cakes agreed to make my vacation feel more like a vacation by spending 2 days down in Key West.

The Duo arrived in FMB at about 11:30pm last Saturday night and Dramamine in hand it was off to jump the boat to Key West at 7 Sunday morning. The ride down was fairly uneventful but as always KW was home to the making of memories and the scene of stories meant to share.

Lucky for The Gray Lining and I, Patty Cakes did not learn until day two of the trip that there are no open container laws in KW, but that didn't stop us from partaking in a multitude of adult beverages beginning about a half hour after we stepped foot off the boat. The libations began at the Schooner Wharf Bar where Michael McCloud was playing which always makes for a nice afternoon. Begin fresh off the boat and not able to check into our hotel room Patty Cakes found it necessary to visit the bathroom at the bar...wherein he found a nice little surprise awaiting him on the toilet seat. This would not have been a problem except that this trip to the bathroom was a necessity. What to do, was the topic of conversation for most of our afternoon. The Gray Lining said the obvious answer was the let the wait staff know, Patty Cakes didn't want to ruin our waiters afternoon so that option got vetoed. My solution- take one the plastic forks provided for our meal, get my sharpie out of my bag, write "Turd Fork" and "Turd Removal Device- Patent Pending" on it, and give it to Patty Cakes to 'nudge" the turd off the toilet. I apologize if anyone is or was eating as they read this, but if you know me, then you know that poo is not ever an inappropriate topic of conversation. I can't help but giggle when I think of the person who cleans the bathroom finding a fork, with poo on it sitting next to the plunger that reads "Turd Fork". Priceless.

Of course time was spent at Tiny Bar and we hit up the normal touristy destinations such as the Southernmost point, according to Key West, we did not get to visit what Patty Cakes actually thinks is the Southernmost point, a big metal tower that he believed was further south. In the blink of an eye the trip was over and it was back on the boat home to fmb for Turkey Day. The boat provided for some entertainment in the form of people watching. We played a game we called "Drunk or Boat?", it basically consists of watching people try to walk and deciding whether their poor balance was brought on by the boat or by the booze. Additionally Patty Cakes came back from the bathroom at one point with tp hanging out the back of his pants which was awesomely hilarious and spurred this little gem---A: "Don't worry Patty Cakes, it happens to the best of us." The Gray Lining: "Really?" A: "Well it happens to the best of us that it happens to."

Turkey dinner was fantastic, and The Gary Lining and Patty Cakes are sadly back off to the blistery north. All and all, it was a great vacation and I will patiently await Thanksgiving dinner deliciousness and a visit from my family next year.

You know what I love more than beer?!? Festivals of beer!

You know you drink a lot when three separate people text you to tell you that the Beer Festival got rescheduled.

Winner, Winner, Turkey Dinner

I am about 36 hours away from the arrival of The Gray Lining and Patty Cakes for the Thanksgiving Holiday, and if this year’s visit turns out anything like last year’s visit then anything I might possibly post on the interweb would probably be incoherent. So…I figured I would go ahead and give a pre-emptive Thanksgiving post.

Giving Thanks for Power Hour

Dirty-Sierra-Nevada-Hoodie giving thanks for beer pong and A giving thanks that Dirty SNH is light.

This is the 2nd Thanksgiving that I will be spending with The Gray Lining and Patty Cakes, at least the 2nd one as “adults”. We had a fantastic beach holiday last year and decided to make this a tradition of sorts. I know this tradition will probably fade over time, or at least change to some degree when The Gray Lining and Patty Cakes have a gaggle of cupcakes (cupcakes is what The Gray Lining has decided to call their future children, consequently I almost had a heart attack when talking to The Gray Lining on the phone the other day after she told me that she and Patty Cakes just got done making cupcakes…. I recovered after I realized she was talking about those of the baking variety). But until tiny versions of The Gray Lining and Patty Cakes come along for me spoil, I will cherish the small tradition that we have.

The Feast was Glorious! (above: damn yankees don't know that the kind of coconuts that grow on our tree are the ones you don't eat)

I will say that this holiday will be spent without the 4th member of our little tradition, Dirty SNH. However, he will be fed-exing us “one (1) sandal to complete the pair that was left in A's garage and one (1) bungee cord that is not currently mangled in a bike chain.” to complete our holiday. I suppose a back story on that would be helpful---Last year the sea was angry one night…or perhaps Dirty SNH was angry at the sea, nonetheless at about 2 am after a day and night full of drinking he decided to throw his flip flop into the ocean. The other flip flops remains, to this day, in my garage without it’s fellow. Moreover, a bungee cord was severely mangled by a bicycle chain on a late night trip to waffle house. When told this story was quite fuzzy, but it involved a box cutter and no hash browns.

Dirty-Sierra-Nevada-Hoodie proudly displaying his favorite attire.

Part of our tradition includes going around the table before dinner and sharing what you’re thankful for…so, here is (not an exhaustive) list of what I am thankful for this fine Thanksgiving.

• My momma~ She rarely wears FUBU anymore but she’s still the most rockin’ 60 year old I have ever met. I’m lucky to have a momma that cares about me so damn much and one that I can stand enough to let her live with me for months on end. I’m thankful for her every day.
  
• Tux Sassy Pantalones~ She is my baby and my fuzzy alarm clock. I always find it amazing that I can so quickly love a kitten. It takes me years to trust and love another person but something about a fuzzball just turns me to mush.
  
• My ‘family’~ This year I got the brother I had always wanted in Patty Cakes ;) and next year I will be adding a sister to my family by way of the Flewis nuptials. My family seems to get just a little bit bigger every year. I guess, I’m just one of the one’s lucky enough to have friends I can call family.
  
• Thanksgiving dinner ~ I am thankful for you and all your deliciousness. I love you deeply and let’s not forget your sides, oh and your desserts, I adore them as well.

As I said, this list is no where close to exhaustive but I've been very busy and important trying to get everything ready workwise so our tradition can continue this year...back with more tall tales in about a week. Until then, its off to try to drink ever beer in Key West and FMB for A, The Gray Lining, and Patty Cakes.

You can try to raise them right...

Becoming a parent today is daunting subject. In this day and age you have to worry about drugs, sex, violence on television and in video games all while working to make ends meet and put food on the table and a roof over their heads at the end of the day. The simple act of bringing home a newborn can be scary as hell.

I leap head first into motherhood, well actually I didn't really make the decision myself. It was a bit of a surprise to tell you the truth! :O

I came home from work one day thinking only about packing for an out-of-control trip to Costa Rica and found 2 pounds of fur sitting there waiting to call (or meow) me 'mom'. Just like most moms it took me less than two seconds to fall in love. After the initial shock, smiles, and snuggles...it hit me. There would be many sleepless nights to follow as she got used to her new surroundings, and I would have all the worries any mom has...will she make friends, will she make the right choices , will she be able to follow her dreams...the list is endless. I'm a natural worrier, so the role of mom came very easy to me.

Since Tux came into my life I have tried to raise her right...teach her to be good to others, not fall victim to peer pressure, to love her sister Angel. I have given her time, attention, acceptance and love. All in all, I believed I had raised a good natured, well-balanced cat.

Much to my dismay I opened up the America's Finest News Source, the Onion, today and in the local news I faced my worst fears when I saw this....

Zach Brown Band, Ribfest and Natural Selection

The bad news is that it’s Monday, the good news is that I had a great weekend that was topped off by a trip to St. Pete to see the Zach Brown Band. The show was fantastic and if you ever get a chance to go see them I wouldn’t recommend passing it up. That in it’s self would have made for a great weekend but to add a little cherry to my country music cake the show went down at Rib Fest.

There was food, and by food I mean meats covered in bbq sauce as far as the eye could see. We settled on “Desperado’s” delicious bbq for several reasons 1. Awesome song. 2. Medium line- probably means good food, but I wouldn’t have to wait so long I would end up covering the Kissy Faced Booty Shakers arm in bbq sauce and eating it instead. 3. They’re bbq sauce was dispensed out of big Gatorade coolers, that’s just awesome. In the medium sized line we devised a plan of action, divide and conquer. I was to get a full slab of ribs, the Kissy Faced Booty Shaker was to order up half a chicken, and Sweet Little Baby Doll JT was going to round us out with a huge pile of pulled pork. Orders were placed and it was off to the Gatorade coolers to cover our respective meats in the sauce of our choosing. Sounds simple enough, had our first stop not been the beer tent. Beer cup held soundly by my pearly whites I managed to snag not one but two types of sauce. What happened next was disgusting. I ate at around 1:30 and wasn’t really hungry again until about 10pm, it was a massacre. You know what is awesome about ribs?!? They are their own fork.

In the end it turns out our selection process led us to picking the 2nd place finisher in both sauce and ribs so kudos to Desperado’s and kudos to us!

There was also pre-show entertainment in the form of people watching. We arrived early to get a prime spot for the show and as the day went on people worthy of watching filled in around us. A favorite was the redneck just a few spots away from us. He was there for a nap and the show.

Words can’t describe this gem so I won’t even try. I’ll let the picture say as many words as it wants to. What I will say is a just a little something about natural selection. Natural selection is a gift that just keeps giving. It’s hard to tell if it’s just that inbred genes aren’t all that strong, or if the lack of boot and tack stores on every corner are making it harder for this “breed” to survive in the current environment. Maybe it’s a combo of the two, but whatever heritable traits that I and all the clean, educated people possess that are making people like this one tooth wonder slowly but surely disappear I’m a fan of. Evolution, I heart you, you’re favorite.

And you thought rum only made me make bad decisions...

So, like all great ideas this one began with rum...well to be truthful it probably really began with mass amounts of beer since this story really began a while back...but that will all make sense in a bit.

This Friday evening began like any other, well not quite like any other because it didn't begin with a glass of sailor sitting on the beer shelf in my shower---sorry, I digress, back to the point---on this particular Friday I am planted firmly on the couch, glass of sailor next to me and a dvr full of this week's best television. With No Longer Easy E commandeering the television and weeding through this week's episodes of Oprah, I've been forced to find other ways to entertain myself, thus the rum induced great idea (and you thought rum only made me make bad decisions).

So I'm thinking, I have rum, a phone, and a computer. There are a plethora of options here. I can drunk dial, drunk text, drunk gmail chat, drunk facebook chat, see how much rum my computer can absorb before dying, see how much rum my phone can absorb before dying or....I can finally share with the world something that has brought me so much joy.

You see, over the course of the past several years I have shared cocktails, heart to hearts, laughter, beers, life stories, tears, and more cocktails with a friend I hold close to my heart, Intern. I have woken up after many of the nights filled with all the aforementioned things wishing I had it all on video or at least just audio recorded so I could laugh till I cried all over again. I don't have any A/V records of those nights but I do have the next best thing...I have several saved voicemails that I received when my friend and I had a thousand miles between us.

Is it all making sense now?!?...tonight began with rum....but those messages ladies and gents, those began with beer...mass amounts of beer consumed by none other than my favorite future doctor.

What follows is a message from Intern transcribed exactly from my voicemail. It has brought me happiness on days I've found myself a bit down, and made me laugh so much I would swear she was right next to me even though we were states apart. I hope you enjoy just as much as I have :)


"Coach, I have alcohol poisoning. (moan followed by a long pause) I dressed up as Sally O'Malley last night and did a lot of kicking, stretching and kicking and then I puked in the parking lot and then I passed out hugging the toilet when we got home. I woke up the morning in a tank top and my desert rose pants. (long pause) I wore my dance pants (dramatic pause) CAUSE I LIKE-A TO DANCE! I featured the camel toe. I made out with like three guys last night....allegedly. I think I'm still drunk. Alright, good talk." ~Intern

I want to punch him in his pre-pubescent douche beard

Driving to work this morning I heard something disturbing. Spencer and Heidi wrote a book. It’s called “How to Be Famous: Our Guide to Looking the Part, Playing the Press and Becoming a Tabloid Fixture”. I didn’t know Heidi could read, let alone pen a book. Spencer is obviously the brains of this twosome--- but smart enough to write a book, I’m still struggling with that thought process. What’s more disturbing than the two of the world’s dumbest and most annoying television personalities writing a book is the fact that that they will probably sell a million copies of this book. With chapters like ‘How to grow a pre-pubescent douche beard and have it photographed’ and ‘Planning multiple weddings’, I can even see why people might run out and drop $19.99, I mean I am way too often tempted to purchase celebrity smut in the grocery line. Despite my love of everything borders and everything celebrity smut, I for one won’t be contributing to their 3rd wedding fund by purchasing this turd in paperback form.

A's Yearbook

In an effort to help you get to know the wonderful individuals that are daily players in my life and in this blog, I thought I would introduce you to them ‘yearbook’ style.

Class Clown

My BMF (Best Male Friend)

I met My BMF about two and a half years ago through SLBDJT. I was introduced to a married very calm version of My BMF, but he very quickly turned into a single erratic version of My BMF (personally I adore the latter of the two). My BMF moved to FMB and lived there for about a year before meeting and falling in love with Katrainwreck and they are currently expecting “Little A” next summer!

I will spare the readers the tales of My BMF’s single life and his army of skanks out of respect to the future Mrs. My BMF, but I will say that the year he lived on FMB provided me with a lifetime’s full of ridiculous and hilarious memories and a friend I will have until the day I kick it.

His ADD combined with a pure kid-like happiness for life’s simplest things make everyday an adventure, whether you’re having a hooters hotdog, making an ass out of yourself at a themed party or dumpster diving. If I were to ever have surgery I’m confident I could forego the anesthesia and just have him there to talk and distract me and I wouldn’t feel a bit of pain. For that, My BMF I award you “Class Clown”. Congrats.

The 3rd Annual Amazing Race Fort Myers Beach

This weekend was the 2009 Amazing Race Fort Myers Beach, an annual event in its 3rd year. For those of you not too familiar with the Amazing Race, it is a two hour photo scavenger hunt that requires teams of two to make their way around Fort Myers Beach performing sometimes difficult, sometimes hilarious, and sometimes just plain silly tasks. The winner gets nothing but bragging rights and a buzz but it is always a great time and has allotted many of us the opportunity to see parts of the beach we otherwise wouldn’t or just plain don’t take the time to normally appreciate.

Here’s a little sampling of this year’s tasks:

Got Game....play a game at the new arcade.

(As it turns out the new arcade was not open but that didn't stop Sweet Little Baby Doll JT from showing he's got game.)

Read all about it...find the Island Sandpaper and check out the back page girl- get a stranger to recreat the scene and pose.

Motion of the Ocean...Hula hoop out in front of Hooters

Get a Leg Up...Find five people to join one of your teammates in a chorus line-high kicks and all!

And a personal favorite....

I like mine "All the Way"...order a hash brown smothered and covered and if they don't have that, enjoy a beer at the Surf Club's new location.

The winner was crowned (that was A & E by the way!), and the party continued at our house with rounds of survivor flippy cup and beer pong. Needless to say this old lady was in bed by 10, and Sunday was spent recovering from an Amazing Amazing Race Fort Myers Beach.

Dear Florida,

I've spent the past week working in the blistery north, Maryland to be exact. Before I left my boss went on and on about how great of times he had spent here taking classes. You name it he said it--the beautiful campus, the local drinking establishments, the fall colors, the people. Honestly the way he described it you'd think I was off to Disney World or something and for the most part I was looking forward to my trip despite the fact that Maryland happens to be about 40 or 50 degrees colder than sunny florida.

Heres what I didn't take into account.....my boss has two screaming children and a wife who nags him.....I DO NOT.

I love my life, I love my friends, I LOVE my DVR, I love playing softball and volleyball, I love my bed, I LOVE warm weather. This place is his escape, I don't need an escape, my life is sweet as hell and I don't know why I left it to go freeze my yaya's off and sleep in a twin bed everynight in a dorm room. Sure, its a resume builder but eventually I'm going to run out of room on that thing anyway right?

So....

Dear Florida,

I am sorry if I take you and the joy that you bring to my life for granted. You are favorite. Oh, and if you get a chance please let the people that fill my life with happiness know that I love them too. I appreciate it.

Best Regards,

A