There are times in my life that I wish I had a tape recorder constantly running so I could remember the ridiculous shit that comes out of the mouths of both myself and those I hold most dear (Consequently there are times I’m sooooooooo very happy that this isn’t the case). Well, this weekend I didn’t have a tape recorder running but I did have a half a bottle of sailor jerry and several bud light limes coursing through my veins and one friend who was quick to text herself a “gem” that came out of my mouth.
Now, I’ve been known to say some pretty far-fetched things after the consumption of the aforementioned amounts of deliciousness but this one I will stand by and I will ask you, the readers of this dandy blog, to confirm my thoughts--- which I’m confident you will.
The statement was as follows (or at least as follows by the person typing it--who had herself consumed the other half of the bottle and several beers)…
“So many more people know who Spencer Pratt is than God.” – Inebriated A (likely said with a slur and a country accent)
This direct quote was included in a conversation which consisted of me claiming that people knew more about the life of Spencer Pratt than they do about God, and that people spend more time reading perez or people than they do reading the bible. I sadly admitted this was a truth in my life and I’m here to put you to the test. Below you will find two popular bible verses and two questions about the life of Spencer Pratt. I would like to see who can answer the most questions- without google or use of the interweb of any kind. In reference to the verses- you don’t have to be spot on but a general idea of what that bible verse says would be great. Ready, set, GO! Prove me right, and the kissy-face-booty-shaker wrong.
God:
John 3:16
Philippians 4:13
Spencer Pratt:
How many weddings have Spedi (Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag) had?
Why is Spencer Pratt no longer friends with Brody Jenner?
I’m rooting for ya big guy but I think douche-beard is gonna take this one.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
How to Survive Life in an Office
In honor of the Ten-Key Ninja beginning her life as a grown-up this week I have compiled a bit of advice from those who have been a grownup or who have at least been playing the part for a while now....its certainly not an exhaustive list but none-the-less not ill advice. Good luck sugar!
1. Realize that office work is 75% socialization. AKA– the more people like you, the less likely you are to be fired or actually have to work hard. Actual "work" should take up no more than 6 hours of a 40 hour work week.
2. Things get boring, and you can really only spend about 3 hours a day on facebook or reading my blog so try to entertain yourself. A favorite is to page yourself over the intercom. A second favorite is to play “Funky Town” over the intercom. This is only recommended when your boss is out of the office (i.e. no adult supervision), and after a period of at least three months at your job.
3. If you decide to pull a prank on someone in your office, expect retaliation and have something in mind to retaliate for the aforementioned retaliation. Note: someone's shit will probably end up in jello, just hope its not yours.
4. Have multiple stacks of paperwork on your desk, but be sure they are neatly arranged. This will give the appearance that you are very busy and important– but not messy.
5. Walk quickly through the office and rub your forehead from time to time to give the illusion that you need to be somewhere to solve a very important and difficult work problem.
6. Have candy on your desk. People like people with candy. It’s just simply a fact.
7. Make secretaries happy. They are the best friends to have in the office and the worst enemy. Find out what they like and bring them it as a gift (salt, booze, people magazines, etc--maybe thats just my office) and tell them that the place would fall apart without them (its usually true).
8. Do not be the ink that the company pen is dipped in or the pen that does the dipping.
9. No one likes an office “Cliff Clavin” (for those of you to young for that reference think of our friend "Look, Imperial"). You do not know it all, although you may think you do. You may think that no matter what the topic you have a life experience or story that is funnier or more true than anyone else in the office. This in fact may be true, but you’re the new kid and you should act accordingly and keep your mouth shut.
10. An office party is a great place to show your co-workers the more fun and social side of your personality. Have a cocktail or two but don’t tie one on (you will get talked about the next day) and if you don’t have a fun or social side to your personality, hang out with Accounting.
1. Realize that office work is 75% socialization. AKA– the more people like you, the less likely you are to be fired or actually have to work hard. Actual "work" should take up no more than 6 hours of a 40 hour work week.
2. Things get boring, and you can really only spend about 3 hours a day on facebook or reading my blog so try to entertain yourself. A favorite is to page yourself over the intercom. A second favorite is to play “Funky Town” over the intercom. This is only recommended when your boss is out of the office (i.e. no adult supervision), and after a period of at least three months at your job.
3. If you decide to pull a prank on someone in your office, expect retaliation and have something in mind to retaliate for the aforementioned retaliation. Note: someone's shit will probably end up in jello, just hope its not yours.
4. Have multiple stacks of paperwork on your desk, but be sure they are neatly arranged. This will give the appearance that you are very busy and important– but not messy.
5. Walk quickly through the office and rub your forehead from time to time to give the illusion that you need to be somewhere to solve a very important and difficult work problem.
6. Have candy on your desk. People like people with candy. It’s just simply a fact.
7. Make secretaries happy. They are the best friends to have in the office and the worst enemy. Find out what they like and bring them it as a gift (salt, booze, people magazines, etc--maybe thats just my office) and tell them that the place would fall apart without them (its usually true).
8. Do not be the ink that the company pen is dipped in or the pen that does the dipping.
9. No one likes an office “Cliff Clavin” (for those of you to young for that reference think of our friend "Look, Imperial"). You do not know it all, although you may think you do. You may think that no matter what the topic you have a life experience or story that is funnier or more true than anyone else in the office. This in fact may be true, but you’re the new kid and you should act accordingly and keep your mouth shut.
10. An office party is a great place to show your co-workers the more fun and social side of your personality. Have a cocktail or two but don’t tie one on (you will get talked about the next day) and if you don’t have a fun or social side to your personality, hang out with Accounting.
Things that are Awesome
The Loud n Clear Personal Sound Amplifier
You can discreetly listen to other peoples conversation and it looks just like a cell phone bluetooth! AWESOME!
It has been alleged that this was to be my birthday present from Sweet Little Baby Doll JT so we could sit across the bar from each other, listen to other peoples conversations, and then talk to each other about other peoples conversations “discreetly”. I will happily accept this gift this holiday season because I really do want to be able to hear a pin drop all the way across the room.
My Hair
It makes me taller and its wind tunnel resistant.
But not in the morning.
Or when its really humid.
You can discreetly listen to other peoples conversation and it looks just like a cell phone bluetooth! AWESOME!It has been alleged that this was to be my birthday present from Sweet Little Baby Doll JT so we could sit across the bar from each other, listen to other peoples conversations, and then talk to each other about other peoples conversations “discreetly”. I will happily accept this gift this holiday season because I really do want to be able to hear a pin drop all the way across the room.
My Hair
It makes me taller and its wind tunnel resistant.
But not in the morning.
Or when its really humid.Grey’s Anatomy
Yeah, I know I’m about 5 years late on this boat but this show is awesome. Its my new crack, I can’t get enough. I’ve lost sleep, social interaction, and many hours of daylight trying to play catch up. In a word: Love
Its fluffy sugar.
Yeah, I know I’m about 5 years late on this boat but this show is awesome. Its my new crack, I can’t get enough. I’ve lost sleep, social interaction, and many hours of daylight trying to play catch up. In a word: LoveCotton Candy
Its fluffy sugar.Pictures courtesy of: asseenontvnetwork.com, ibeatyou.com, infobarrel.com Spanks!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Its not Festivus but its going down anyway...
I would like to take this opportunity to air my grievances.
1. To the person who took my orange highlighter off my desk. You are punishing everyone. I have every intention of taking my candy jar and the remainder of my highlighters and placing them in an undisclosed location. Everyone, or at least those who partake in candy from my jar (that's what she said) will suffer. Please return my highlighter preferably with a note of apology at your earliest convenience. To some an orange highlighter isn't a big deal but in the world of A, orange highlighted items in my calendar indicated non-work related activities, and I would like to be able to schedule that time into my life.
2. To the Black Eyed Peas. will. i. am.----your name is William, hell go by Will if you really want a nickname, but will. i. am. is quite simply ridiculous. apl. de.ap. ---- i do not know what your name actually is, or how you came uo with apl.de.ap but i hope you fall. I have no desire for you to sustain a serious injury but i hope you scrape your knee, and perhaps tear your very likely already fashionably torn jeans. Taboo, I'm not sure which one you are so if you're not the one with flat-ironed bob then you're name is ok. I enjoy the board game Taboo and perhaps you are named after that. Fergie, you are fine. The world is a cruel place but 'hot' people are allowed to get away with more, so you can keep your nickname. In summation, will.i.am. and appley dap, suck it...Boom boom pow bitches.
3. To my baby Tux. I realize you are a morning cat, but i am not a morning person. 6am is not an acceptable time to wake up. Please make an adjustment to your sleep schedule.
4. To the mosquito in my car last night. I'm not sure of your interweb access situation but if you are reading this I hope someone smacks you and you die. I haven't even found all the places you bit me.
1. To the person who took my orange highlighter off my desk. You are punishing everyone. I have every intention of taking my candy jar and the remainder of my highlighters and placing them in an undisclosed location. Everyone, or at least those who partake in candy from my jar (that's what she said) will suffer. Please return my highlighter preferably with a note of apology at your earliest convenience. To some an orange highlighter isn't a big deal but in the world of A, orange highlighted items in my calendar indicated non-work related activities, and I would like to be able to schedule that time into my life.
2. To the Black Eyed Peas. will. i. am.----your name is William, hell go by Will if you really want a nickname, but will. i. am. is quite simply ridiculous. apl. de.ap. ---- i do not know what your name actually is, or how you came uo with apl.de.ap but i hope you fall. I have no desire for you to sustain a serious injury but i hope you scrape your knee, and perhaps tear your very likely already fashionably torn jeans. Taboo, I'm not sure which one you are so if you're not the one with flat-ironed bob then you're name is ok. I enjoy the board game Taboo and perhaps you are named after that. Fergie, you are fine. The world is a cruel place but 'hot' people are allowed to get away with more, so you can keep your nickname. In summation, will.i.am. and appley dap, suck it...Boom boom pow bitches.
3. To my baby Tux. I realize you are a morning cat, but i am not a morning person. 6am is not an acceptable time to wake up. Please make an adjustment to your sleep schedule.
4. To the mosquito in my car last night. I'm not sure of your interweb access situation but if you are reading this I hope someone smacks you and you die. I haven't even found all the places you bit me.
Friday, September 18, 2009
The world is your oyster…..
Being that this is my first post on a blog that is sure to become a NY Times best seller and eventually a major motion picture I didn’t want to disappoint so I looked to someone with wisdom beyond her years…The Gray Lining. She offered this advice…"The world is your oyster; the world is your Frada bag." After immediately becoming concerned about who I turn to for advice, I realized this advice is just about all I had so I’ll go with it.
First off, lets define "Frado"- Faux Prada; What Momma and No-Longer-Easy-E’s dad refer to as something they’ve purchased on the (shhhh!) black market. So essentially The Gray Lining and No-Longer-Easy-E own what their respective parent’s believe to be "black market" Prada bags. Now, I’ve never smelled a real Prada bag, namely because I’m too poor to have ever held one, and also probably because I don’t typically smell purses, but I’m guessing for that type of money they might smell like cotton candy, or at least like leather. Frada however, in the true spirit of "you get what you pay for" apparently smells like a dirty V. So in essence, the advice I received from The Gray Lining is "The world is a dirty V". What that means I do not know, but if I had to interpret and ultimately recover some sort of substance for this post I would go with this--
The world is tricky, but there is probably a solution to every problem. Maybe you just need to organize-clean things up, maybe you need to only invite the right people in, or maybe you need to turn to someone wiser for some advice sometimes.
Welcome to the world of a country girl who lives in a beachy house, I hope it doesn’t stink.
First off, lets define "Frado"- Faux Prada; What Momma and No-Longer-Easy-E’s dad refer to as something they’ve purchased on the (shhhh!) black market. So essentially The Gray Lining and No-Longer-Easy-E own what their respective parent’s believe to be "black market" Prada bags. Now, I’ve never smelled a real Prada bag, namely because I’m too poor to have ever held one, and also probably because I don’t typically smell purses, but I’m guessing for that type of money they might smell like cotton candy, or at least like leather. Frada however, in the true spirit of "you get what you pay for" apparently smells like a dirty V. So in essence, the advice I received from The Gray Lining is "The world is a dirty V". What that means I do not know, but if I had to interpret and ultimately recover some sort of substance for this post I would go with this--
The world is tricky, but there is probably a solution to every problem. Maybe you just need to organize-clean things up, maybe you need to only invite the right people in, or maybe you need to turn to someone wiser for some advice sometimes.
Welcome to the world of a country girl who lives in a beachy house, I hope it doesn’t stink.
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