Friday, September 25, 2009

How to Survive Life in an Office

In honor of the Ten-Key Ninja beginning her life as a grown-up this week I have compiled a bit of advice from those who have been a grownup or who have at least been playing the part for a while now....its certainly not an exhaustive list but none-the-less not ill advice. Good luck sugar!

1. Realize that office work is 75% socialization. AKA– the more people like you, the less likely you are to be fired or actually have to work hard. Actual "work" should take up no more than 6 hours of a 40 hour work week.

2. Things get boring, and you can really only spend about 3 hours a day on facebook or reading my blog so try to entertain yourself. A favorite is to page yourself over the intercom. A second favorite is to play “Funky Town” over the intercom. This is only recommended when your boss is out of the office (i.e. no adult supervision), and after a period of at least three months at your job.

3. If you decide to pull a prank on someone in your office, expect retaliation and have something in mind to retaliate for the aforementioned retaliation. Note: someone's shit will probably end up in jello, just hope its not yours.

4. Have multiple stacks of paperwork on your desk, but be sure they are neatly arranged. This will give the appearance that you are very busy and important– but not messy.

5. Walk quickly through the office and rub your forehead from time to time to give the illusion that you need to be somewhere to solve a very important and difficult work problem.

6. Have candy on your desk. People like people with candy. It’s just simply a fact.

7. Make secretaries happy. They are the best friends to have in the office and the worst enemy. Find out what they like and bring them it as a gift (salt, booze, people magazines, etc--maybe thats just my office) and tell them that the place would fall apart without them (its usually true).

8. Do not be the ink that the company pen is dipped in or the pen that does the dipping.

9. No one likes an office “Cliff Clavin” (for those of you to young for that reference think of our friend "Look, Imperial"). You do not know it all, although you may think you do. You may think that no matter what the topic you have a life experience or story that is funnier or more true than anyone else in the office. This in fact may be true, but you’re the new kid and you should act accordingly and keep your mouth shut.

10. An office party is a great place to show your co-workers the more fun and social side of your personality. Have a cocktail or two but don’t tie one on (you will get talked about the next day) and if you don’t have a fun or social side to your personality, hang out with Accounting.

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