Whirly Like a Champion Today

Admittedly the north wasn't nearly as blistery as I anticipated. It did snow, but by that point in the night I had my beer coat, managed to throw a couple snow balls at the intern without falling, and generally enjoyed it.
The cold, windy weather that followed the next day I generally did not enjoy but thankfully most of the day was spent inside recovering from whirlyball.

I don't think you can go pro in whirlyball, but if you could I would try. My dad always said he wished he would have raised us to be amazing in a really obscure sport like trampoline because inevitably everything will be an Olympic sport one day. If whirlyball ever becomes an Olympic sport, I will start watching the winter Olympics for more than just curling.

This 'sport' is amazing. Picture basketball, mixed with lacrosse, played while inebriated...in a bumper car. Sound stupid? Yes, yes it is.


So the ultimate goal is to get a whiffleball into a hole in a backboard more times than your opponent. Other goals include not pissing off the crackwhore who is 'refereeing' your game, and not losing any digits or appendages. You know how when you go on a fair ride or to the amusement park and they have a multitude of signs and workers that say "keep arms and legs inside". This rule was probably created after someone at insert name of large amusement park here stuck their hand out of whatever 'vehicle' they were riding in and it got ripped off, the one handed man in-turn sued insert name of large amusement park here and is now a kajillionaire. Despite that, in whirlyball you are encouraged, nay, required to stick your limbs out of the bumper car to retrieve the ball. Keep in mind, at no point do you sign a waiver releasing this place from responsibility for your limbs. I don't understand it, but I didn't question it.

Here's some tips in case you get a chance to go play.
1. ALWAYS whirly like a champion.
2. Be prepared for more than a few bruises from your hips jamming into the side of the car and/or your legs jamming into the steering 'stick'
3. Pay more attention to the game than the photo ops.
4. When not playing, be shufflin'...everyday.
5. Leave with a nice buzz and all your limbs.

It's gettin cold in here...let's put on all our clothes

It's off to the blistery north for me this weekend to celebrate Ten Key Ninja's birthday with some Whirlyball (updates on that when I return). Turns out, it's been some time since I've visited during the winter months and I know people can develop allergies so I'm crossing my fingers that I haven't somehow developed Cold Urticaria. I imagine I'm good to go though as I've never had an allergic reaction to an ice cold beverage or the lovely ocean water on a "winter" day. What I am not looking forward to is the ice. I hate ice, it's hard and slippery, and I am clumsy. I think we're even going ice skating, which to me is like paying someone to fall and hurt myself. Ice is just water that won't let you go swimming in it. Generally, I'm not a fan, at least when it's outside of my glass. Back in a bit!

Just hope it's not cold enough for this to happen

Bleck

My BMF and I were at dinner the other night and we were talking about families on television who were excited to spend the holidays together. I suggested they didn't exist in real life, complete with a reference to a conversation with Momma about her preparing to head off to the big family thanksgiving get-together and how I swear I heard a gun cock in the background. Now in reality that sound was more likely that of a beverage being cracked open, which brings me to the topic at hand. Tis the season....for cocktails.

Cookies and milk get left for Santa, White Russians for Momma. Getting liquored up goes hand in hand with the holidays, because if you can't get that warm fuzzy feeling from spending time with your loved ones, maybe a bit of nog with a splash or ten of rum can do it. Rum...I love rum. You know what I don't love...vodka. I hate vodka. When I drink it, I wake up and literally fell as if my skin is too small for my body. You know that scene in Men in Black where the alien is wearing the Edgar suit, yeah...its like that.

I feel like vodka is what they pour in people's eyes to make them talk. Yet, every shot that tastes good has vodka in it. Explain that to me? The only possible answer is, life isn't fair- A sentiment I heard from my parents on numerous childhood occasions. Vodka is unlike other alcohols. Take jager for example, it tastes like black liquorice. Did you ever notice what's left in the bottom of a jar of jelly beans? The black liquorice ones...cause they taste like shit. So, when you take a shot of jager your body knows it has ingested poison, because your taste buds tell your brain that you have just drank something that tastes like ass. Vodka is evil in that way, it tastes of nothing, thus takes on the characteristics of what it is mixed with. And shot ingredients taste like candy....thus vodka tastes like candy...and all the sudden I wake up feeling like I'm wearing a dry clean only A suit that had been inadvertently tossed into a dryer filled with rocks.

Happy Holidays, be sure to mind your P's and Q's

A Very Skype Christmas

The stockings were hung by the tv (its swfl, we don't really have chimneys) with care, we were all snuggled in our beds, with visions of waking up without hangovers in our heads. Christmas this year reminded me yet again why mine is a wonderful life. This year I stayed south to avoid the blizzard like conditions the yanks have been experiencing as of late. I was invited over to a friend's house to celebrate the holiday and quickly accepted the invitation after learning that their Irish lineage was not taken lightly and that Christmas Eve would be much like the Christmas Eve of my developmental years.

Over the years I've learned that its quite a gamble to partake in other family's Holiday celebrations. Several years ago we got the call that Christmas was canceled due to a snow storm that blew in just two days before Christmas. This left The Gray Lining and I over an hour from my parents house with no plans for the holiday. This was the first time I accepted an invite from a friend, and what I swore would be my last. It may not seem that terrible, but being stuck in a snow storm with the an friend's extended family watching home movies for 6 hours was far from the Christmas I knew and loved...our kind of Christmas meant beer stayed cold outside on the porch, pool games were played, at least one person went to midnight mass with a buzz, and undoubtedly my dad (this only happens once a year) got poop faced and reminded me that the ability to drunkenly ramble about topics no normal person discusses was in fact hereditary.

Since that time I have went back on my pledge to avoid spending Christmas with another family out of lack of other options, always thinking that this time around it would be fantastic. Sometimes I despise my optimistic "the glass is half full of egg nog" attitude. After my last optimistic Christmas attempt (The year I call "A Very Jewish Christmas") you would think I would have turned down the invite as quickly as it was delivered, but alas I did not and for once it worked. Thank you to my adoptive family this Christmas, for making sure my glass was never half full but always full, for the laughter, for bearing with me even when I thought my mom had finally lost it and just wrapped stuff she found in the house to give me for Christmas, but mostly for inviting me into your home and making my 'home' feel not so far away.

After my very Irish Christmas I got home just a quick as holiday traffic would let Bruce drive to skype with the family as they opened presents. No one in my family had ever used skype before which made for an interesting experience...for the first 5 minutes they either did not have a microphone hooked up or they had it muted. I realized this, they did not. Once we finally got sound going Momma felt it was necessary to put her mouth directly on the microphone to speak to me, or if I could get her to back away from the computer she insisted on yelling. I tried to communicate to her that I could hear not only her if she spoke at a normal volume but also every person in the room whether they were 2 or 10 feet away. My attempts at communication were thwarted by my inability to talk over her. Over the course of the two hour skyping experience I got left alone to talk to the wall by everyone in my family twice, got taken on a walking tour of my childhood home (as if it were the first time I'd ever seen it decorated for Christmas), and sang a Christmas carol so my dad could do a sound check.

In the end, despite technical and Momma difficulties, I have a feeling skyping will become a regular thing at the homestead. In years past I have called the fam on Christmas as they've opened presents but there is little replacement for being able to see momma's eyes well up when she opened my gift, or see The Gray Lining stick her tongue out when Momma tells her to quiet down so she can talk to her favorite. My apologies to all that have asked for not video taping this skype experience, I'm sure it would have gone viral in seconds and momma could have been famous...but then again I'm not sure the world is ready for that.

I hope you and yours had as wonderful and merry Christmas as I did.

It's Santa!

SLBDJT telling Santa what he wants for Christmas

All I want for Christmas is...

• Tuxedo to start covering up her dookies in the litter box
• the coordination to actually use my heeleys
  
• a waffle maker
  
• a white IU hat
  
• a Flowbee
  
• Taboo
  
• blue bamboo sheets, queen size
• extreme lipo dissolve
• a new domino set
  
• Easy E's balls in my mouth, I can't get enough of her delicious balls
  
• a Roomba
• the book "Seven Gothic Tales"
  
• a winning IU b-ball season
  
• Flavor Flav to learn how to use his claws
  
• someone to stain my entertainment center for me
  
• a merry day for those I love most

I'm not sure how my Christmas list will play out this year, pretty sure I'm not getting a flowbee, or a roomba but a girl can dream can't she? I am fairly sure that The Gray Lining got me a cat, which means that I need to find someone, fall in love, and get them to move in pronto according to my very own non-scientific, non-research based theory that the maximum allowable cat to person ratio is 2-1. You might be thinking, easier said than done- you would be correct, especially considering I have just recently warmed up to the idea of potentially dating. A year ago saying the word 'dating' would have been very quickly followed by just the tiniest bit of vom. I know, I had the same reaction to the thought of dating as most people have to two girls one cup. Don't judge. Typing the words "love", and "move in" just made me a little queasy, so to The Gray Lining, please take note that nowhere on my Christmas list will you find "another kitten", or "become a creepy cat lady".

Whatever is on your list this year, I hope it finds its way under your tree, and if you're like me and one of the boxes is meowing maybe forget to open that one. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good stiff cocktail. All of mine this wonderful holiday season :)

I just wanna stay warm...and still be able to type

One of my co-workers told me I looked homeless today.....

As a side note, I'm pretty sure its going to snow in SWFL today.

Have a jolly holly tacky christmas...

Some may remember last year around this time when I talked about our work Christmas party and how in the naughty elf ornament exchange I was bamboozled and ended up with what was quite possibly the most heinous ornament I had ever laid my very own gleaming greens on. In case you decided to have your own life in the past year and don't seem to remember the finer details of mine here is a little reminder.

This year we went with the theme of tacky ornaments, after last years ab workout from laughing so much. One of my favorite co-workers and consequently the same girl who purchased the giant glittery ball last year did not disappoint and of course I once again ended up with her ornament. I think it will go marvelously on the tree next to last years 'prize'.

Once upon a prevening monsoon...

Florida weather never ceases to amaze me. Yesterday morning on the news the weather man, um I'm sorry the Meteorologist, provided some technical weather explanation involving wind and several contradicting hand motions to me and the rest of the viewing public. Here's the thing, I don't really require the aforementioned hand gestures, nor do I need to know what type of pressure system is building or breaking. What I require and what I heard thanks to my keen ability to block out the dull and mundane is "blah, blah, wind, blah, blah, its not going to rain today". Clearly the absence of a prevening thunderstorm, made me just as pleased as punch, a bit because lightening storms are not awesome in my line of work and tend to keep me here past normal business hours, but mostly because I lack good vision and driving home in inclement weather is not a joy of mine.

I think yesterday the meteorologist may have accidentally made an upward hand gesture when he should have made a downward hand gesture, because at about 10 till 5 the skys opened up over our sleepy little town and dumped some buckets on us. Amazingly enough, had I worked 3 miles to the north, south, eat or west of the building I actually work in, I would have thought that weather man really knew his stuff...but alas I do not. I made a mad dash out of the building hopping, unsuccessfully i might add, over puddle after puddle, jumped in my car and assessed the damage. Wet shoes, wet socks, every square inch of my drivers side was rain spotted. It was almost as if the rain was not coming from the sky but being shot out of a giant squirt gun as the horizontal rain peppered Bruce's drivers side window. I drove home white knuckled, butt scooted up to the front of the seat so I was sitting about as close to the windshield as Momma, squinting out the white lines and hugging as close to them as possible. Ten minutes later I began to see the sunshine Florida is famous for and I was able to ease back into a normal, more comfortable driving position, or what my momma calls, 'laying down while driving'. It occurred to me at this point that in the 2 years and 11 months that I've owned Bruce, I haven't changed the windshield wipers. Being the detective that I am I deduced that this is in fact the reason the rain is not so much wiped from my windshield when I drive, but more smeared across it.

One quick stop at Walmart later and I not only purchased a couple new blades but also learned that these should technically be changed every six months, or at the very least once a year. Who knew. The weather man says no rain today so I don't know if I'll get to try them out but you never know.

A Resolution Worth Making

As we begin a new year many of us set out to make changes in our lives, or a “New Years Resolution”. Many resolutions deal with stopping a bad habit, or deal with improving one’s health in some way, perhaps by way of diet and/or exercise. Throughout the years I’ve made many a resolution, but it always seems that life gets in the way or at least I accept that as a viable excuse for not competing what I set out to do. This year, I’m making a commitment to do the impossible, hell I may even go beyond that to the place where the possible and the impossible meet, to the possimpible. This year I WILL make my resolution last more than 2 weeks.

Now I haven’t done any actual research on this but I’m practically a doctor so we’ll call this an educated guess. With roughly 6,692,030,277 people in the world (obviously this changes by the minute), about 50% make a New Year’s resolution. So basically, when the ball drops a total of 3,346,015,138 resolve to make a change. Well, perhaps not exactly when the ball drops, 3,346,015,138 people probably make out with a stranger when the ball drops but sometime the next day when they wake up from an alcohol induced haze they resolve to make a change. I’m basing the 50% on a number of confounding variables, for example: those kids on tv with the flies all over their faces probably have more to be concerned about than stopping biting their nails. Out of that number I would say roughly .00001% actually stick to their New Year’s resolution (somehow I feel like I’m being generous here), a total of 33,460. So essentially what I am saying is that in 2010 I will be one of the 33,460 people worldwide to actually stick to their New Year’s Resolution.

In closing I would like to wish each of you luck in joining me as a part of that elite 33,460, and showing the world, or at least 50% of it, that nothing and everything is possimpible. Challenge yourself this year. Wishing you and yours the Happiest of New Years!



Oh, I almost forgot to tell you what my New Year’s Resolution was….In 2010 I WILL take more naps.

This is why I live in Florida..

Now that the Christmas holiday, all the bustle, and visitors have been and gone I just wanted to provide a brief synopsis and let you know how I made out with my “All I want for Christmas” list.

Christmas Eve is one of my favorite nights of the year, right behind any night that includes a theme party and my birthday of course. I guess this is because it has always been the night when my family got together to celebrate Christmas (Christmas morning was usually reserved for sleeping in and as we got older for nursing a hangover). I remember my huge catholic family all coming to our house for Christmas Eve and how it was one of the few times a year that my dad would uncover the pool table in our family room (never understood that but it made that night all the more special). As I got older I remember being the ‘bartender’ mixing up Tom Collins cocktails for my Momma and my aunts (and usually an extra one for me and The Gray Lining to sneak off and drink somewhere). I complain quite a bit about the cold weather that I grew up in but there is a certain amount of convenience and country charm to being able to leave all your beers and pops out on the porch to stay cold for drinkin’ (damn right I said drinkin’ and damn right I said pop, I'm talkin' about the country after all!).

While I grew up loving Christmas Eve in the blistery north, there is in fact a reason I moved here….year round summer. Ok, perhaps it’s not summer year round, those who don’t live here might tell you there is no season change, but when I woke up this morning I did the same sprint to the shower to get under the warmth of the hot water just like I did on cold northern mornings. My Christmas Eve in the past couple years has been a true Florida one, it has been spent around a beach bonfire, enjoying great food, and great friends, plus…I don’t have to sneak my Tom Collins or any other cocktails anymore, which is ver nice.

Christmas day was spent traditionally, opening presents and as it turns out those I hold dear did a pretty good job with my Christmas list.

All I want for Christmas is...

• my cat to start covering up her dookies in the litter box


• my arms/hands to be injured and after they heal to suddenly be an amazing guitar player...rookie of the year style. That would be absolutely funky butt lovin (that's for you Ten-Key Ninja)


• an IU slanket - CHECK!


• a personal chef


• a Flowbee (for the Wayne's world fans a Suck Kut)


• to win the lottery, i'd settle for a scratch off winner


• black bamboo sheets, queen size SEMI-CHECK


• extreme lipo dissolve


• snuggle coupons - CHECK


• No-Longer-Easy E's balls in my mouth (cake balls you dirty minded people) - CHECK


• a Roomba


• an IU football jersey - CHECK


• a winning softball season for "I'd Hit That"


• the deed to a beach house


• a Buckingham Blues Bar t-shirt


• for my best to acquire Michael Buble's best swimmers


• cards from my favorites far away from where I am - CHECK


• board games, board games, and maybe a couple more board games - CHECK


• a pair of Heelys, and a gift certificate for my ER deductible following their first use


• a merry day for those I love most and a merry day for me surrounded by those I adore - CHECK
  
  

For those items I didn’t come away with, there’s always my birthday! Merry Christmas to all, and to all peace out!

All I want for Christmas is...

• my cat to start covering up her dookies in the litter box
• my arms/hands to be injured and after they heal to suddenly be an amazing guitar player...rookie of the year style. That would be absolutely funky butt lovin (that's for you Ten-Key Ninja)
• an IU slanket
• a personal chef
• a Flowbee (for the Wayne's world fans a Suck Kut)
• to win the lottery, i'd settle for a scratch off winner
• black bamboo sheets, queen size
• extreme lipo dissolve
• snuggle coupons
• No-Longer-Easy E's balls in my mouth (cake balls you dirty minded people)
• a Roomba
• an IU football jersey
• a winning softball season for "I'd Hit That"
• the deed to a beach house
• a Buckingham Blues Bar t-shirt
• for my best to acquire Michael Buble's best swimmers
• cards from my favorites far away from where I am
• board games, board games, and maybe a couple more board games
• a pair of Heelys, and a gift certificate for my ER deductible following their first use
• a merry day for those I love most and a merry day for me surrounded by those I adore

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good stiff cocktail come family time ;) Merry Christmas Eve Eve and Happy Holidays!

Take 30 Boozey Bears and call me in the morning

Caught under the mistletoe!

This weekend started off unlike any other, meaning that it did not start with a cocktail in the shower. My Friday was consumed by helping the Kissy Faced Booty Shaker pack for her move which turned out to be not all that bad considering I did acquire 2 pieces of furniture (which I did not have to pick out of someone’s trash, score!), and making “drunk gummies”. “Drunk Gummies” or “Boozey Bears” as I like to call them are basically vodka soaked gummy bears. The recipe goes that you take a jar of gummy bears, fill it with vodka just below the top of the gummy bears and leave them overnight to sit and soak up the goodness. I was told this is an alternative to the jello shot and perfect for your lazy party thrower. Being that I am in fact a lazy party thrower I forewent the jello shots and made up a batch of “Boozey Bears” for our Ugly Christmas Sweater and Pajama Party Saturday night. After that it was a night cap or two and off to sleepy town I went.

Saturday morning I was up and at 'em to pick up My BFF from the airport for her weekend escape from cold Hotlanta weather. We spent most of the day being lazy, opening Christmas presents….molly did come away with a sweet IU slanket...



and of course preparing for the Ugly Christmas Sweater and Pajama Party. Friends came, drinks were had, games were played and a lot of Boozey Bears were consumed.

My BMF, MY BFF, and SLBDJT

That's Holiday Spirit

My BFF, I adore her

No-Longer-Easy-E and The Future Mrs. My BMF

One thing was learned about Boozey Bears, they stick together and you’re going to eat 10 if you try to pick up just one, so unless you like blacking out I might stick with jello shots. But if you do like blacking out, give Boozey Bears a try, they were everything that I was promised before making them. That being said, if I ever make Boozey Bears again it might be a good idea if I wrote a will...you know, just in case

Boozey Bears!

It adorns my tree

Yesterday I attended a work related holiday luncheon. Once a year all of my counterparts in the area get together to share what works, what doesn’t work, and to have a few ears, who actually can truly understand, listen to what ails ya work-wise. The holiday luncheon obviously includes lunch and a naughty elf ornament exchange. Essentially everyone brings a wrapped ornament and each person draws a number. Your number indicates in what order you get to pick your ornament. #1 has to start with a wrapped ornament but #2, 3, 4 and so forth can either pick a wrapped ornament or steal one from another person that you like. Last year I drew #1. In the end I left with the “worst ornament”, or so I claimed it to be. This turned into a big joke between the person who brought that ornament and me. This year I got #7, out of 8, so I was pumped that I might leave with one of the best ornaments!

It got to my turn and I stole an ornament from another girl, this particular ornament had already been stolen several times and what the pick of the litter…it said “1 day of coal, 364 days of naughty. I pick the naughty”, perfect for me right? I thought I was solid as the person who had #8 is more of a fan of cutesy ornaments than funny ones. Well, I could not have been more wrong, she stole that funny ornament right out from under me. (Did I mention the person who drew #8 is the person who brought the craptastic ornament that I ended up with last year?) I was left with the only remaining wrapped ornament, as I opened it laughter erupted, I am not the proud owner of an 8” glittery Christmas ball.

As it turns out the whole thing was rigged and I was intended to end up with this monstrosity as #8 was going to steal anything I had and leave me with the Christmas ball. All in all, my smile muscles got a huge workout and it was decided that next year we will have only one rule…only bring tacky Christmas ornaments, and then nobody and everybody is a winner. Nice!