Cone of Uncertainty

Baby Watch 2010 has officially kicked off. With a due date of April 26th Southwest Floridians, or at least those who will be affected by Hurricane Little A, are closely monitoring any and all activity related to her birth. The National Baby Watch Service has issued the following advisory.

Do you own that tuxedo, or is it a rental?

Its really hard to believe its been a year. I've heard people say time flies when you're having fun, I've heard people say time disappears when you're blacked out, and I've heard people say it was over in a the blink of an eye when talking about their vacation, but I've never heard someone refer to time spent nursing scratches, cleaning out litter boxes, and mapping out covert trips to the bathroom so you can take a shower just once without a 8 lbs of fur joining you, described in a similar capacity. I guess I'll be the first.

A year ago, Tux(edo) Sassy Pantalones came bounding into this world and a short two months later she became the apple of my eye, the Hall to my Oates, the other pea to join my pod. Tux has her moments that make all her annoying traits fade quickly away and if you are ever lucky enough to be the first person to pick her up right after she wakes up from a cat nap and enjoy the 30 seconds of love you get before she realizes that someone is holding her, you'll know just what I'm talking about. You'll forget about her lack of tact that leaves drop-you-with-one-sniff poos uncovered in the litter box, and focus on how she picks up her stuffed sheep and carries it around with her, even when that stuffed animal was as big as she was. You'll forget about her drinking from the bathroom sink at the exact moment you need a sip of water to rinse the toothpaste out of your mouth, and focus on how funny it is when she Criss Angel's you just as you are spitting out your toothpaste into what was an empty sink onto what is now a toothpaste covered kitty. You'll forget about the terror you see in your overweight cat Angel's eyes as Tux enters 'attack mode', and focus on the two lbs that your overweight cat Angel has lost from all the wrestling matches and how much easier she is to pick up and how much less you have to tell her that 'big is beautiful'.

Time flies.

Happy birthday my sweet Tuxedo baby!

Paging Doctor Intern

Never again will I have to wonder if it’s ok to take random drug with alcohol, discovering what a pill I found haphazardly in my medicine cabinet with L6785J etched in it is actually for will only be a phone call away, and the phrase “I’m practically a doctor” will only come from my mouth. Pigs have flown, hell has in fact installed an ice skating rink …as of 5pm Friday, our little Intern became a Doctor.

It’s ok to be scared, we are talking about this girl….


Yes, the one who let me cut her hair after consuming an entire pitcher of daiquiris, the girl who loves McChickens so much she will even eat them after they have been dropped in sand, the medical mind who diagnosed herself with an alcohol allergy only to find out she actually somehow caught her dog’s skin condition, and the person who replied “Soil.orlgimpxldimsup” to this text I sent her Saturday night after her 14 hour graduation celebration “Just checking if my fav hot mess is still alive. I don’t require actual words, any type of response will do".
Congrats, Doctor Intern. I’m so very proud you went from practically to actual. I love you!

Physiologically impossible, I think not.

New project....Sneeze with my eyes open.

Unexpected gifts make my heart smile...

I'm wearing $17 socks. Quite frankly I'm a bit frightened my feet will get used to this type of treatment and revolt against my usual 50 cent socks.

My worst fear..

One of my worst fears is that during my daily checking of People of Walmart I'll see my own picture there. I'm pretty sure I've already been on Texts from Last Night.

Now Accepting Applications

Back from a blogging hiatus, with a tale of my weekend…or at least what I deem to be the highlight.

Sunday was spent laying in my bed, periodically adjusting my position as to avoid pesky bed sores, until around 4:30pm. Stop looking at me with those judging eyes and that judging mustache and allow me to explain….Sunday is a day of rest, a day where Jesus encourages individuals such as myself to remain in a semi-coma like state for a period of 24 hours. Moreover, it was Easter, a day celebrating Jesus’s resurrection. …thus I felt it necessary to not only rest, but also out of respect to also avoid brushing my hair as Jesus’s locks were surely amiss on this day as well.

I’ll get to my point, this particular day of rest was spent watching an inordinate amount of television, and somewhere around hour 6 I saw an advertisement for Paris Hilton’s British Best Friend. I’ll give you a little glimpse into my head here: A to herself: “Hmm, I want a British best friend”. Herself to A: “If you had one you’d find their accent irresistible and spend your days uncontrollably saying yes to their every request”. A to herself: “You’re right, the accents mesmerize me and I don’t want to end up doing a British person’s laundry”.

I’m not sure if my longing was for a British best friend or just knowing full well I am shortly going to be lacking in the friendship department and for someone as co-dependent as I am this can’t be good. So…I will not be accepting applications for my new British best friend, or even for a new best friend but I will be accepting applications for a new friend… And if you happen to have an accent and your application is approved, please don’t ask me to do your laundry.

Friend Application

1. Name:

2. Nickname:

3. If I choose to make up a nickname for you, as I most certainly will, do you have any names that are strictly forbidden?

4. Gender:

5. Age you are: Age you feel like/tell people you are:

6. Twitter name:

7. Tweet something really nice about @stillsandsyntax , bonus points if it’s about my hair. What did you tweet?

8. What is the latest/earliest that you will accept phone calls/text messages?

9. Fill in the blanks: “Hey, A, I really _____ your last blog! It was absolutely _____!”

10. I'm hungry, will you fix me a hotdog?

11. I can't find my pants. Where do you suggest I look?

12. Road trips: Pro or Con?

13. International vacations: Pro or Con?

14. Describe my weekend hair in 3 words.

15. Complete this sentence: Naps are _________.

16. Essay question: You do or say something that you wish you could take back immediately. It is one of those times where you are so happy a lot of people aren’t around to see you do or say it. But I was there. A week later you read about it on my blog, in detail, with several fabricated embarrassments added. How do you react?

17. If I were to say to you, “Have I told you the story about the time I wore an adidas jacket as pants?” would you reply with (Please note: Chances are high that I have told you this story at least ten times):
A) No, I don’t think you have. Here, give me a moment to make myself comfortable so I can give you my complete and undivided attention.
B) Oh yeah! You have! I love that story! Will you tell it again?
C) Not the f*cking pants story again! Can’t you let one week go by without telling that stupid story?

Once you are completed please post this in the comments section. Each application will be given serious consideration and a final decision will be made in 2-4 weeks. Thank you for your interest.